My name is Laura and I suffer from Anxiety and Depression. I've posted a bit already, but never really made a proper introduction. So here it is.
I have had this "illness" as I am learning that it is an illness, for probably most of my life. Not sure why, but here it is, and I've been trying to deal with it, in whatever way I can my whole life.
Maybe it's stuff from my teen years that started it. My sister 4 years older, got sick with Chrohn's disease when she was 16 and I was 12. She was very sick in the hospital for 6 months, and then at home sick for another 6...the first time anyway, at the same time my grandmother was in a nursing home. My Mom worked and when she wasn't working she was either at the hospital, nursing home, or exhuasted...I am the youngest of 4 kids, my oldest sister had moved out already, and my brother who was working and living his own life, and my Dad.
In those days, it was the kids that did the "chores" and I was the only one home, so I did a lot around the house, making sure my Dad and brother got fed, did the dishes and vacummed, bathrooms, etc. after school, before I started on my homework, I can remember my Dad and Brother and Sister complaining if the food wasn't perfect, and teasing me. I also remember feeling very alone, and like I wanted my Mom. I missed her, and I was sad. I didnt go out after school, I didn't do sports, or have fun time with friends. As I got older, it continued along those lines as my sister was in and out of the hospital. I felt invisable, and remember trying to do everything I could just so my family would say something nice to me, or to feel loved. I'm not saying they didn't love me, I know they did, and they do, I just wasn't a priority, after all my sister could have died.
As I went through my teen years, I started hanging out with kids that smoked and were not the "good" kids, and I started rebelling, I started smoking at 15, and although I was never a bad kid, I did some things that were not "good". When I was 17, I got myself into a situation where I was date raped, I blame myself because I should have known that he wouldn't take no for answer, and even though I fought, I was weak next to him. I didn't tell anyone, because I was scared I'd be blamed, and I didn't have the kind of relationship with my parents that we could have discussed that sort of thing anyway.
Well, I would eventually have to tell them, because I got pregnant from that, and there I was 17, and I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I initially thought about abortion, but I was too far along, and I finally broke down and told my sister. And then my Mom. My Mom told my Dad. I never discussed it with my Dad, we just ignored it. Even when I was big as a house, we didn't talk about it. My Mom and I decided that it would be best to give the baby up for adoption, and at the time I thought that would be best for everyone. When she was born, I changed my mind. I wanted to keep her, at 18 with no skills, just graduated from high school a few weeks before. I knew I couldn't impose on my Parents to keep both me and a baby at home, and they weren't offering. I felt trapped, and I cried for 10 days straight, That was how long you had to wait to sign the adoption papers. After 10 days and seeing no other alternative, I signed the papers.
I tried to move on with my life, but I always felt that I had something very important to me, my baby, taken away from me. I was too weak to stand up and say no, I will not give her up, but I didn't. Never wanted to be a burden.
I gue
