Members,
As you might guess, the vast majority of depressed people are usually not assertive communicators. In fact, they tend to have one of the other three extreme styles (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive) because they feel that their needs and expectations are not being met in their important relationships.
Most communication experts describe four general kinds of communication style (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive). Most people use more than one of these communication styles and most people use different styles in their different relationships. Depressed people seem to have some fairly specific communication problems because they tend to be more extreme in their communication style.
Try to see which of the following communication styles describe you best, especially when there’s a dispute or conflict in one of your relationships.
Passive Communication Style
When people communicate in a passive way, they tend to communicate their belief that other peoples’ rights and needs are more important than their own. People who communicate in a passive way often let other people make all of the decisions and generally agree with those decisions in order to avoid conflict or rejection. In other words, people who communicate in a passive way may know what they need and want, but they’d rather avoid expressing their needs so they can avoid conflict or rejection.
People who have a very passive communication style can convince themselves that they’re nice and easy going, and make good friends and romantic partners. At first glance, such a person may sound like a good friend or romantic partner. However, people who are extremely passive are actually kind of difficult to get along with because they have a hard time telling you what they really want and they rarely make solid decisions. So, if you’re in a relationship with a person who has a very passive communication style you spend a lot of time trying to decide what to do and usually have to guess what the other person really wants. This can get really irritating. People want others to express what they really want, at least sometimes.
It’s also easy for passive communicators to get aggressive. This happens when people who usually communicate passively get tired of not expressing what they really need and want. Because they rarely articulate their needs, they almost never get what they want. As a result they can get frustrated and angry with other people for not knowing (guessing) what they need - and as a result of this they express their needs aggressively.
Aggressive Communication Style
When people communicate in an aggressive way they tend to communicate their belief that their rights and needs are more important than the rights and needs of others. People who communicate aggressively often bully people to make sure that they get what they want. Sometimes people who communicate in an aggressive way are just jerks. However, sometimes people communicate their needs aggressively because they fear that if they don’t force people to respond to their needs and wants, they won’t get anything in return.
Passive-Aggressive Communication Style
When people communicate in a passive-aggressive way, they say things and do things that give the appearance that they believe that other peoples’ needs are more important than their own. But this is deceptive because they are actually putting their own needs first. People who communicate in a passive-aggressive way try to get their needs met by preventing other people from getting their needs met. They act like they’re easy to get along with but they’re often communicating that they’re unhappy with how things are. They can do this by pouting, sulking and withdrawing. Sometimes they’ll express themselves by making a scene (slamming doors, throwing things, making faces, etc.). They often say things through their actions, but not through direct words.
The problem with passive-aggressive communication is that the people they communicate with only receive negative feedback about their needs and wants. Instead of directly expressing what they want, passive-aggressive people indirectly express what they don’t want. As a result, the other person in the relationship feels criticized, helpless and like they can’t do anything right. It is difficult to guess what somebody really needs and it is painful to only get negative feedback about what somebody doesn’t want.
Assertive Communication Style
When people communicate in an assertive way, they communicate that they believe that their rights and needs are important, but no more important than the rights and needs of others. People who communicate in an assertive way will express their wants and needs honestly and openly, listen to the wants and needs of others and be open to the idea of a compromise that will respect the rights and needs of everyone involved.
In general, an assertive communication style is the most healthy and adaptive style. When we’re assertive we can respect our needs and the needs of others and we can balance our needs with the needs of others. We’re not always concerned about winning or losing because healthy compromise is the goal.
Is anyone having trouble with becoming more assertive?
Let's talk about it!
Danielle - Bilingual Support Specialist
