I feel as though I'm groping around for the exit from a pitch black room littered with obstacles. I don't even know for sure that there is an exit or if I'll know the exit if I ever find it, but I'm too stubborn to give up hope although I'm extremely frustrated. Any advice or empathy would be greatly appreciated.
Since 1999, when I first went to my doctor for help, I've been on Zoloft, then Paxil, then Effexor and now an Effexor/Wellbutrin cocktail. Three different doctors and a psychiatrist. The drugs all have an effect on me, just nothing that has actually been helpful. But the doctors simply tell me that I need a higher dose, so we increase and increase until I'm taking the maximum recommended amount, and then they shrug their shoulders and look at me as if I'm being difficult on purpose. And then they say that it's just a matter of finding the right medication and prescribe a new one.
I've asked about therapy and they offer it themselves -- a form of talk therapy that goes in circles and accomplished very little. I still don't know if dealing with the after-effects of the emotional abuse from my ex-husband is the same as dealing with the burnout from my work is the same as dealing with the depression. I also can't remember the last time I awoke refreshed from a good night's sleep -- I know that sleep disturbances are a symptom of depression, but depression is also a symptom of sleep deprivation -- does it matter where my depression stems from or whether or not the chicken came before the egg?
At the moment, I do the research and diagnosis and tell my doctor what I want and she signs the referral forms or the prescription or whatever. I have no idea whether I am doing the right thing or what I'm missing, but my doctor doesn't seem to be able to find anything wrong with my requests. Whether that's good or bad, I don't know that either -- I hate having to work in this pitch black room, but I don't know what else to do. There is an extreme shortage of doctors in Toronto, and nobody I know knows any good doctors who are taking new patients.
I'm really, really tired of feeling depressed.
Confused
