Hello,
I'm not sure if this qualifies and it's not a total sucess but it has been a good thing for me. I went to church yesterday, by myself. It was a church I'd never been to before and it was a good experience. It has somehow calmed me down.
I did have major anxiety about going and it was all I could do to walk out of the house, get in the car and take the 5 minute ride to the church. Several times I thought about giving up and staying home, but didn't. I wanted to turn around once I was on the road, bur didn't. Once I got there there was a man outside arranging a sign so I felt obligated to stay and not turn around. It took everything I had not to have some sort of a breakdown as I kept getting to the point of crying at every turn. I did have tears fall and needed to wipe my nose several times, but avoided totally breaking down.
The Pastor spoke on how we react to hardships and adversity in our lives, talk about relevant! I realized that I've been having a big pity party for me and failed to look at the more positive side a trial can bring. I am now in a stange place anxiety wise. I feel anxiety but before I go all out panic it seems to hit a wall of calm and backs down. (Not perfect everytime, I'm still shaking) This is much better than I had been.
My husband seemed affected by the fact that I went - I think he was waiting for the cop out again. Even the fact that I said I was going the night before seemed to affect him. Surprise? I don't know but he's been notably trying, at least since Saturday evening. Sunday he kept showing up where I was and hanging around, putting more effort into connecting. I felt like I did less trying. (We had talked on Saturday before I made my decision to go on Sunday and I called him out about a few things, mentioning that whatever things he needed to work on should start to be addressed. I let him know that I had become tired of feeling like I was the only one putting effort out.)
I don't really know if these are successes or not. I do know that my ability to function is better and that I want to get better. I don't know whether it was the things I said to my husband that caused the change but it seemed to be more the fact that I picked up and went to church. I don't really understand his reaction except maybe it signaled a positive change to him. All I know is that I feel better and that's a good thing!
Thanks Depression Center for this site and to the members who've been listening to my whinning. You've helpful in giving me new insights and helping me think through this stuff. I hope to be able to post more successes but I also understand that this is just a first step (trying not to raise my hopes too high) Sorry such a long post!
