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Life before depression

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Q,

I have been suffering from depression and it`s side effects since I was three so, like yourself, I don`t really remember a time before being depressed. The times when you did feel good are not you trying to convince yourself, they were good. The major problem is that suffering from depression makes you question ever feeling good or even ok. Our memories are affected by our state of mind. Therefore being depressed means you usually only remember the times you felt depressed or you super impose those feelings over happier memories.

What I try to do is to write down when something good happens so I can reread it later when I don`t feel as good. You could try keeping a journal or write in your blog here. Another great tool that the site gives you is the mood tracker. Since our moods can fluxuate over the day, you get to record your best hour and what you were doing. The daily activity tracker is good as well. It can help you recognize good times and separate them from more challenging times.

This site is a great tool. Use all of it and do the homework and you will start to feel better. You will.

Rowsie

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Hi Q ... things can get better and you have found a good place for the journey.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi verysadinlife,

Welcome to the forums. You have found a great site to express your thoughts & emotions as well as receive genuine support from other members. Having hope and continuing to move forward is the key to overcoming difficult times and memories of the past. You are right to bookmark the good times. They will far outnumber the bad, especially when you acknowledge even the smallest details that bring you joy.

Do you keep a journal to record your thoughts? What are some of the good times you've had in the past week?

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2

Hi everyone.

I can relate to furgittit a lot as I also can't really remember a time before my depression. I was about 10 when first started feeling the symptoms so remembering before then is really hard. I know logically that I was happy as a child and felt all the emotions that go along with that but I can't seem to really remember what it was like. I also know that I must have felt some joy or happiness at times over the years but it is a real struggle to put my finger on those moments and believe that was real and not just me trying to fool myself.

I have to have hope that things will get bettery and try to bookmark the good times so I can remember them in the future.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Hi greg_c,

I think that is a great way to look at it. You have a lot of great things to look forward to and time spent thinking about those things is great use of your time vs. possibly worrying about things you cannot change anyway.

You know its right in line with a part of the online program which offers techniques to challenge worries (session 11). If you feel those worries start to coming back take a second to look over this part of the program (talks about setting aside a regular time each day to do all your worrying, etc.)

As always, thanks for sharing...let me know if any of those techniques help.

Jason, Bilingual Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 71

Hello furgittit and everyone else.

I've been thinking about this since I posted it. I'm not that concerned whether the feelings I can't remember are good or bad, it's just disturbing for them to be missing. However, I've decided that if they don't come back, it will be an opportunity to make sure all the feelings I do end up having from now on are as positive as possible.

It'll be like having both my savings account and mortgage wiped out, and not knowing if I lost or made money. I'll just assume it's for the better, and move on.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Life before depression, I don't think I have ever not been depressed. There were sporadic moments of happiness as a child, which I remember (first memories are around age 3). I remember sporadic moments of joy, but generally I remember the loneliness, sadness, don't belongness (my own word), anger, frustration, anxiety and the desire to just be loved. I remember the feelings, I remember the reasons behind the feelings and I do not always think this is a good thing. Sometimes I wish I could be more like my sister and not remember all of this, she seems so happy to live in ignorant bliss, while I have the torment of all of the memories. When she wants to know something about our childhood, she calls me, because she remembers nothing before she was 12.

So sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

Life before being diagnosed with depression, BPD, anxiety and OCD etc. just makes more sense now having a label to put to the thoughts, memories and feelings. It doesn't change the fact that these things happened, and it doesn't change the way I felt before today.

If it is what you want, I hope you eventually remember your feelings associated with your memories. It seems quite important to you. Striving for something is a good way to keep going.

Take care greg_c.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

I have been dealing with mental illness since I was a teenager, for over half my life. So it is hard for me to answer this question. But I have had periods I can't remember and periods I can. I have had times where I felt nothing and times I felt too much. And now, I think I am having a period where I am me. I really think this state you are in is temporary. Hang in there.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Hi Greg,

I have to agree with Sally, initially I didn't remember feeling anything prior to, was just numb and empty. I was diagnosed with Major Depression in 2004. However, I did start to feel again and my feelings are more obvious now than ever before and that's both what some would label the good and the bad emotions. i.e. I laugh more when something is funny, I cry more when something is sad. I can recall how I felt "before" but didn't for a while. I always remembered how I functioned before - more productivity, more involvement, more social, etc and I mourn for those things sometimes. But remembering how I felt before - it came back. Don't push it though (my opinion), let it happen on it's own.

Hang in there.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 121

Hi Greg,

For me, it seems to be temporary. I have only been hit with depression for about a year and a half (and had never experienced it before). While I was in the middle of it, I don't remember feeling much of anything. I felt like I was in a sort of stasis, waiting, but waiting for nothing. I also felt hopeless, very sad, and trapped. I think, when I look back on how I felt before the depression, everything was colored with intense negativity. I only remembered the worst. I also remember feeling very numb all the time.

Recently (in the last month), I have been doing much better (thanks to finding the right med). Now I remember the past with a more balanced view. I don't remember being very happy or sad, but I have always been very "even" and not very emotional my whole life, just sort of ok all the time. So my recent memories of the past reflect that.

I think I am more emotional now, since I am feeling better, than I ever was in the past. Maybe it is because I had all my emotions blunted and negatively tainted for the past year. I am so relieved to have them back.

So, I guess my point is: it will most likely be temporary!

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Life before depression