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Bursts of anger

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Thank you for your insight Ashley. When I think back about the goal to set boundaries with dh, I can't even remember what boundaries needed re-setting. So, yes... I need to be more specific. What are SMART goals again? Specific, Measurable, A...?, R...?, T...?

The thought of doing any of the examples you gave me makes me feel uncomfortable and queasy in my stomach. Soooooooo... I guess my first goal this week is to figure out with myself what boundaries I want to address with him (remembering to make goals behavioral and positive) and then setting a specific time to talk about them with him.

This should not be so hard to do. Nevertheless... it feels HUGE! He's a safe fellow, I don't know why I feel so scared to ask for what I need. Missing my liquid courage right now

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

How are your goals coming along ~m? They all look great. If I were to tweek one goal it would be the boundaries with your husband. Only because it is a little vague. Goals work best when you can know exactly when you achieved them. For example, Have talk with husband on November 5th. Or find 5 concrete things my husband and I can do this month to solidify boundaries. Always try to make goals behavioural and positive. So if you work on goals with your husband don't say something like respect my boundaries this month or stop criticizing me. Say goals like, make dinner three times a week or give me a back rub once a week. Hope that makes sense!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Awww... I like that Ashley... pride and control. I had not thought of it that way, but it seems to fit. I do feel proud of myself. An odd emotion to have coming out of inpatient treatment... nevertheless, I do feel good about the changes I'm making. There IS also a sense of control. Makes me think of the Tai Chi classes I took twice a week while in the hospital. I really took to the precise, slow movements which produce a real sense of controlled power, serenity, and strength. I was amazed at how long those feelings lasted after a class.

I'm not sure how to answer your questions about celebration. Not my strength... celebrating. I do plan to honor and care for the changes being made. In the long term, I guess that means staying sober, managing my depression, and staying balanced.

In the short term (this week), my goal is to:

Regularly attend AA

Meet with my Sponsor today

Meet with my Therapist tomorrow

Find a Tai Chi class to attend

Reset personal boundaries with dh

(while not feeling guilty about it)

Do something FUN everyday!

I think I'll start with finding something fun to do!

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi ~m!

Great post. Everything made perfect sense to me. I am so impressed that you are feeling those tough feelings now. Yeeesh that is tough and drinking or using some other unhealthy coping mechanism can seem like such an easy out. It really is a huge deal that you are facing this head on. Awesome work! It also sounds like you are feeling better because of it. I hear a lot more pride and control in your words - do you think that's what it is or is it something else? Either way. BIG CONGRATS!

So how are you going to celebrate this giant leap forward? What do you think is important to focus on now?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Hi Ashley! Even though it's been two months since I last posted on this thread... It makes me smile to read our conversation. The honesty with which I wrote feels good to read and the support and direction from you makes my heart warm and helps get me right back on track. Good questions are timeless that way... yes?

Some random comments:

I love where you say it's all about the journey: Balance and authenticity requires constant maintenance... there will never be a point when you think, "Ok, I am as balanced and authentic as I can be".

I usually....No. Let me say... I used to address the lack of balance and authenticity as MY DEPRESSION. The very large, scary, powerful, dangerous darkness that lurks constantly just below the surface waiting for any signs of weakness to destroy me once and for all. What an empowering change of perspective to see and address the depression as a lack of balance and authenticity ...in my life ... at the present time. Something I need to be aware of and be caring for all the time. Not some dragonlike monster out to get me.

Does this make any sense? It feels really big and different, but I don't think I'm explaining it very well.

As for the anger and fear... it was a build up of things. In hindsight, I can see that my relationship with myself and with my husband got out of balance and I started to feel helpless and hopeless. Not allowing myself to feel either anger or fear as they came I just kept pushing everything down and when I couldn't keep it down on my own, I poured alcohol on top to keep me from feeling anything "negative".

The numb is gone now and I'm having to feel my feelings in real time. It's tough. I won't lie about that. It is intense. But... I can do it. I can feel angry. I can feel sad. I can feel lonely. I can feel afraid. Funny thing about those tricky emotions, is that when I allow myself to feel them... it's like walking through them while knowing I will come out the other side with understanding and a clear plan of what to do for and/or about the situation which caused the emotions to raise up in the first place. It is like... well... yes... a journey.

A journey... not a destination.

I never thought I'd every get a handle on anger, sadness, or fear but I am doing it every day. Yes, every day... that part sux, but I also know it won't always be every day. Practice doesn't make perfect, but it sure does make subsequent trips seem shorter and easier. I guess I'm building emotional muscles and increasing emotional endurance. It feels pretty good.

This sure seems to prove the truth of what you said with regard to being sucked into the terrible darkness of depression actually being part of the healing process.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

You did do that. I was there, I know.

Those questions could take up hours and hours of counseling so take your time. If you want, perhaps you could start a thread describing how your good days look. We might be able to help you examine those good days and find the important bits. But no pressure, just a suggestion.

Balance and authenticity requires constant maintenance there will never be a point when you think, "ok, I am as balanced and authentic as I can be". You'll always be working on it. But it's the journey getting there that's important I think.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

All good questions which have kept me busy this weekend. Still processing and trying to pinpoint specifics. This will be my goal for the week is sorting it all out. The most powerful realization from this discussion is that life was good and balanced. I did that. If I did it before, I can do it again... perhaps with more thought and purpose.

Thank you Ashley for letting me know that the support here continues... no matter how often I fall down. It's both comforting and inspiring. I feel like the folks here keep me accountable. As if it really matters what I'm thinking and doing each day toward finding balance and authenticity... that balance and authenticity is not only possible but to be expected! Sheesh! No pressure.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Oh ~m, I loved reading that! That's the kind of life I see you living. That's what a thoughful, considerate person like yourself deserves. So let's focus on how to get you back there. And ~m if we have to keep talking you back to your authentic, balanced self then we will just keep doing. Each time it will get easier. Remember, this back and forth is completely normal. Don't ever let yourself lose hope. Ok let's keep going! How were you able to stay motivated and focused then? What around you was different? How were you being different? What are some concrete things you were doing then that you are not doing now? We are trying to focus on small behavioural changes this time. Many little changes of being can really add up!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

What was happening before when I felt excited and hopeful about life?

Pretty much since Fall of last year, I had been feeling more balanced and grounded. Had conquered most of my social anxiety and agoraphobia... was enjoying greater freedom within myself and out in the world.

My husband and I were doing great in couple's counseling... getting closer than ever. Had a new grandchild but was able to set better boundaries with my daughter so I didn't get overwhelmed with too much babysitting. I was keeping a promise to myself to do some sort of artwork everyday. Made progress with exercising regularly and changing our eating habits with healthier choices. Husband and I both lost weight and had better check ups at the doctor.

In the beginning of this year I managed to keep my balance and positive focus while processing a resurgence of PTSD symptoms which brought new triggers and new memories. Both my dh and I got through the anniversary of our son's death with sadness and grief but not the utter re-devastation of years past. We had to stop our counseling because of insurance issues, but managed to maintain the positive relationship habits we had learned together.

Good stuff! I was feeling balanced and capable.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi ~m,

Sounds very frustrating and painful! Even sounds hopeless at times. I'm sorry you are going through this. I did see a big ray of sunshine though, you said you did have hope and excitement at some point. This is important! It is part of the healing process that you get sucked back in to the dark... I know that sounds crazy but it's true. Learning to fight through this takes time and often it will seem pointless but you have to keep fighting. Let's focus on when you felt excited. What was happening then? What were you doing? What was different?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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Bursts of anger