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Took a Hard Fall

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

I am sorry perhaps I should of not started this thread I did not mean to upset anyone that is the last thing on earth I would want to do. I think what I was trying to convey is that I had this disorder ten years ago and it lasted about 16 months then again at 45 and it went a year now at 50 its back {it seems like almost a "five year cycle for me doesn't it?} and its almost a year this time.

I notice at fifty its harder for me to "bounce back" Two things are different, I am older and I am in peri-menopause and its making it harder to get better, plus the health anxiety is just raging, its probably just a coincidence that I got physcially sick at 50 {the two bouts of broncitis, the ovarian cyst bursting and then the blood clot, all in seven short weeks} and I just fell apart, it could of happened at 48 or 49 or after, I just got into the mindset that I am aging and things will get worse and I know I must get out of that mindset, through its very hard for me, I have had very bad luck with doctors and therapists so far with this.

I cried today for awhile, my husband made a comment he said "you think you are better and functioning better but you are not" that was harsh and really depressed me, I thought that with almost a month without a panic attack he would give me more positive affirmation, he explained that yes the panic's have decreased but I still "worry and nervous and anxious"} which yes I know is true, but its hard to for him to understand when he does not suffer from it, I am hoping "those things" go away too along with the panic's, its going to take more time through, how I wish anxiety depression and worry could be shut off like a light switch but it does not, other than this site I have had little or no support, so I have suffered alone a lot, but is anyone EVER worry free? I mean life is stress and worry and I do not think anyone does not have some worry or issues, doe they? I am trying so hard to recover, but worry and nerves run rampant in my family, and I am trying to break the cycle.

If I depressed anyone with this thread please forgive me, I hate to upset or hurt anyone and if I did it was unintentional, I am so very sorry. Maybe I opened up too much and let my feelings flow out too much! I will try not too worry about aging and I will try to start thinking that there are good years ahead of me, not just death and sickness, because I do NOT want to think or live like that, thank you all for you're help.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

So true... of course! If I could, I would go back and change the death of our son ... I surely would... but focusing so much energy on that wish was exhausting. Things don't necessarily get better or worse... but they certainly do change. You can count on that one. We do what we can with what we have and I'm pleased with where I am mentally (this is better now than it has ever, ever, ever been ... thanks to this program). I've also become more accepting of my physical limitations... feels good not to beat myself up all the time. I highly recommend it

Red ... what are you hearing and seeing that is disturbing? Now I'm worried about you! Have you addressed your concerns with an Health Educator?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Putting another spin on things - is there really a best time of your life anyway? There seems to be ups and downs in each phase as far as I can see. I had some good times when I was younger but I also had some pretty bad times too. I would not want to go through the bad times again. However, I've pretty much always been an optimist and look forward to the future - sometimes it's gotta be better than what you just went through. Sometimes it is mental fatigue, sometimes physical. I think Davit meant physical fitness as when you were younger so you can better participate in physical activities when you want, any time you want.

Is this part of my life better than the past part? Yes and no. The being happier part is much better, the physical, well, who wouldn't want to stay in their 30's? I loved my 30s. I was very fit and active. Emotionally though, I was unhappy and got divorced.

I am sooooo looking forward to all my new experiences. I am going to make the best of what time I may have left on earth, no one knows how long we have anyway. right?

Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I just assumed that stress and anxiety aside you all had normal lives. No one has mentioned chronic diseases such as Arthritis or diabetes. I'm also thinking Debora was talking more physical than mental since I got the impression she did not always have this problem. So I meant physical or health wise.

Now me, I'm aging prematurely and not even a fraction of the person I was at thirty. And I became a recluse at fifteen and although alone the next fifteen years were the best I had. They are gone except in my memory. If not for anxiety I would be a different person now. If I knew then what I know now I could have stayed in a high paying job and been some one. I actually am glad I didn't. Between fifteen and thirty or so I had physical strength, good health and peace of mind except when I had to deal with town and people. You would not recognize me then. I probably would not even talk to you. I would still be living that life if the town had not closed and I had not become disabled. The next fifteen years were mediocre with me making adjustments to accommodate my disability with anxiety finally spilling over into constant panic attacks as I was forced to deal with a life that is foreign to me. The last ten years have had periods of total hell and I would have ended it a few times.

When I say CBT works I am not just making noise and treating this site like a chat room. I am proof it works. If you do it and if you do it right it can cure most things and give relief at least to the things it can't.

So that is my life. I'm sorry but I am 60 and will never have that sort of good life again. Mentally yes but health and physical, no, not a chance.

So can you tell me that you honestly did not have better years than you are having now. If so then I am very sad for you. Because although I did not have a good life by others standards I managed to enjoy much of it strictly by attitude. I guess you could say I was doing CBT and didn't even know it. Life is what you make of it. I understand now more about how the mind works. I know more about anxiety and its disorders than you will ever need to know but then I have friends with major mental diseases and it has helped me to understand them.

There are no short cuts and no magic bullets even though medication seems like it.

Mentally because of my ability to do CBT and stick with it life has got very good. But it is work and will never be over. It will become routine and I won't notice I am doing it, just like I did those fifteen or so years of my life when I was living the best years of my life.

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

I have a growing concern about the health and welfare of some of our members as things come to light here...This could just be anxiety on my part I do not know..I will have to use the 10 question list to challenge the anxious and negative thoughts I am having about all this..Something just doesn't seem right to me..I will have to wait and see how things develop before I can make a decision about what I am hearing and seeing here.

Red....

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Indeed! So glad you both are there for each other.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Just agreeing that is how I feel about my own life. Other ppl have different experiences and feelings and that's ok too.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Amen Red! I agree 100% and could not have worded it better (or even as well)!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

I feel I must step in here and throw a different spin on things..I really don't feel that my best years are behind me like Davit suggests..He may feel that way about his own life but I do not feel that way about my life..
If I had to look back in retrospect on my life I would have to say my worse years are behind and the my best years are now and yet to come. I know I am not as young as I used to be and can not do what I used to and I do not look like I used to look either but there is no way I would want to go back to the way my life was before..I do not yearn for it at all..

I am finally enjoying my life like I have never been able to before..I am grateful for what I have and am now able to relax and enjoy it...

I think we all have to decide in life what do I really need to be happy. Will more rooms make me happy or will I injure myself beyond repair and not be able to enjoy it. Do I really need a bigger or new house to be happy. Do I need to move. I have thought if I could move where I had more space I would be happier. My partner and I have talked about this a lot over the years and we both agree now that as time has gone by that we don't need all the things we thought we needed before to be happy and enjoy our lives... Life is not always greener on the other side.

Red.....

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Davit,

I hope you are doing alright with the withdrawal I have been thinking and praying for you. My grandmother had several staph infections in her legs and she always got better, she always had bad legs and lots of health problems but she lived till 90!

I was thinking about what you said about "my best years" If there is ONE thing I have to do now is to convince my big thick stubborn brain that I am NOT dying yet and I have more happy years ahead of me, I know easier said than done. I think what was really bad for my family is my husband fell apart physically and I fell apart emotionally at about the same time, normally when one was sick the other was fairly up and picked up the slack now I feel there is noone to pick up the slack, we really have nobody to help us in a emergency, my mom-in-law is 88 yrs old and she of course could not help, I worry who will take care of my special-needs son if something terrible happened to my husband and I at the same time, I hope that does not sound negative but too me is a real fear, my younger sister said she would take my son but has changed her mind which has really, among other things, caused a rift between us, sometimes I feel so alone and scared and I try not to be.

Maybe its not death that scares me maybe its I am afraid I will have a heart attack or stroke or get cancer and fall apart, I use to think my husband would stand strong but lately with his health problems and his distance and indifference to me during my panic I dont have that comfort anymore, anotherwords if he could not even handle panic attacks and depression how on earth could he handle and help me through cancer or stroke or heart attack? Would he "check out" like he did with my panic? I would like to think not, I do realize he has his own health issues but I know I would help him, I just hope my marriage and family can survive, I think it will, but sometimes I get so afraid of the future, I think I have let go of the past, which is good, but I want to live in the precious present moment but I am getting stonewalled about fears of the future, does that make sense, I know I should not "trouble trouble" I wish I could tell and train my brain that way, hopefully CBT will help as time goes on, its helped the panic and depression but I wish it could make a dent in the health anxiety and fear, thats gonna be a biggie I think for me, I so want to enjoy life again. You and Sunny give me hope to hear all you're plans together is so great and encouraging and positive! Please tell her I said hello, and let me know how you and all are doing.

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Took a Hard Fall