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Having short conversations with people


pbetterman
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3 years ago 0 pbetterman 1 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Hello Agua,

I feel exactly the same as you... When I knew nothing about anxiety this was by far the hardest to bear.
Some situations are harder than others, going to the gym for ex. is very hard for me... All the "macho poses" quickly get me into fight or flight mode... I also compare alot to the times I was not feeling this way.

I am a man, and talking to other men is harder for me than to women... I started doing exposure work with women... Just giving compliments to beautiful women on the street... Than on shops, then starting small conversations... Do you know what happened? I actually did go on dates with some of these women... I still feel alot of fear doing this, but when I talk to my friends about it, they say they would feel to, if they were doing it...


The main thing is that I feel I am gradually losing the fear of sounding stupid or being rejected by this women and this is substantially reducing my anxiety approach...

My next step is to start practising small talk with men... I think it will be tougher for me, but its worth the effort ;)

My advice to you is do it focusing on the process and not on the results... Try doing it in a different city or area that you are. It will be easier in the beginning if you think you will probably not see this person again.

And I agree with you, in some periods its good to train accepting the silence and being present to the feelings you´re having in that moment.

Hope This Helps!
agua
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5 years ago 0 agua 60 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Hi, I already did for years your suggestions, and I think I became an expert. I can camuflage my problem, and start a short talk. A lot of times I ask questions, to keep the conversation in the other side. 
But after years and years doing that, I get to conclusion, that is too tiring to do it, since I´m doing theater with people and don´t get any joy doing it. And I´m not being spontaneous.
These days, I´m trying to relax and have a conversation only if I´m feeling not anxious. I think is better to accept the way I am, because I wan´t to have joy talking to people, even if it is 3 seconds of conversation. Although I know the risks I´m taking, because people could ask "why this person talk so little?"
 I wan´t to discover a way to relax and create empathy with persons, as a starting point, but not making theater. So that I can gradually be more confidante, can be myself. At first, I hope people accept me as a person who don´t like to talk too much, I take more time to trust people, I don´t know why.
Ashley -> Health Educator
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Hi Agua,

I think we have all felt like this at some point. It can be tough to talk to new people. Small talk certainly is a big challenge, especially when anxiety gets in the way. When we are anxious we often stay self focused, we think about how anxious we are, how silly we look with nothing to say, etc. To break this habit keep challenging yourself with new social situations. The more you do this the more comfortable you will get. When in the social situation also try not to think about your anxiety but think about the other person or people you are with - get curious about them. Ask them questions. This technique works great because often when you ask the questions the other person has to do most of the talking. With the more questions the ask the quicker you will be able to get to know the person as well. 


To get you thinking, Can you give us a recent of example of when you had to create small talk? Reflecting back, what were some questions you think you could have asked in those situations?


Ashley, Health Educator
PanicGurl
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5 years ago 0 PanicGurl 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Agua,

I'm sure we have all gone through this at some point in our lives. If I start a conversation with someone it is rare and random. At the gym, you could ask if they had a good workout, dance class- compliment an item of clothing or ask where they purchased it. I most always use the weather as a conversation starter if I try to start a conversation. Another recent example; A neighbor man was walking his dog late evening. First time dog has ever approached me. I said to Dog, well aren't you friendly this evening and noticed the mans dog looked different. He answered for the dog saying yes, she is very friendly. First time man has ever spoken to me or me to him. I then asked, is this a different dog?  He replied with yes, and continued with conversation that his other dog passed away and he got another one. We ended up having a 10 minute conversation about his dog. 
agua
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5 years ago 0 agua 60 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
When I´m with new people that I see for a short periods of time (like at the gym time, dance classes, etc...) I´m not able to develop a short conversation about irrelevant issues like people normally do. I can not concentrate, I get with my thoughts paralised. I like very much to be with this persons but I become embarrased because I don´t speake practically nothing.
Next, when I´m alone, I become very sad with me, because I could not interact with that person. That problem let me unable to develop new friendships, so I´m a very alone person.
I tryed to exposure myself with more social events, because I know is lack of practise. But I can see the same person 100 times, and I continue not interacting. I still haven´t finded yet the key to unblock that problem.

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