Thanks for the support and input this morning..I agree these are normal feelings and I will work my way through them. These is going to be the ultimate challenge and a real test of what I have learned here..
As for a solution I don't have many options at this point..Major surgery which is going to be very painful and take months recover from. This is the only way to diagnose my condition, if it is malignant than they have saved my life and if it was benign I have lost a kidney and will still live..Or I can choose to do nothing right now and do what they call watch waiting and hope that I do not wait to long..So there are really no easy answers here..Its a flip of the coin..roll of the dice..and these are decisions only I can make..My son thinks it is a no brainer and I should have surgery. These are quality for life issues as I see it..I am very afraid of the surgery and what my life will be like after that as I am sure anyone would be in my situation...So for now I have a lot of thinking to do but first I am going to try to let my mind take a bit of a rest for awhile..I think this is what I need right now..I am not going to die today or tomorrow. I just want to enjoy today..Thats what really matters..
All these feelings are normal and probably most of those feelings are pretty healthy right now. Although I know hearing that doesn't make it any easier. I see lots of hope. I see your strength and a possible solution right around the corner. Keep fighting through this and being gentle with yourself. This will pass.
Things were pretty tough going today..Lots of anxiety and lots of pain with this exposure..They were not able to get a tissue sample which is not good..This part is over now. Now on to the next exposure. Lots of feeling of anger and sadness tonight..feeling hopeless right about now. Been told to rest for the night. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day..
Well today is the day..another big exposure..I guess it's good I have been working on exposure for a long time here.
I am still having a hard time reading here..Hearing the C word used so casually all the time is a bit hard to take..
Especially when you are faced with it for real...It does provoke a lot of negative feelings for me and isn't all that great for the my anxiety either..Maybe it would be better if I quit reading here for a while..to much insensitivity..
I am still looking for those positives..Today I called and scheduled my biopsy. It it is setup for tomorrow. So I am making some progress..As for the fear it is there..They told me to bring a overnight bag just in case. I hope I will be able to get the help I need if I go through with this surgery. It will take me several months to recover. I really don't want to have to fend for myself again this time..I don't think I could do it again..
I wanted too write you. I am praying for you and thinking of you. I would of wrote you earlier but I was sick and I did not think I would be too much of a help. I know whatever you decide it will be the right decision, you have good doctors and information and I know that goes a long way. I know I am not really good in these kind of situations, I am always afraid I will say the wrong thing since I am not in a very good place myself, but Red I am praying for you and I know just by reading your last post you have found strength, I know you are strong, and I do understand what its like too be scared. Ashley said it so well so well.
The support group sounds like a great idea. I am sure you will get a lot out of participating in it.
Red, you do not have to fight the fear. It is ok to be scared.We will be here to tackle this with you no matter what.
But remember you have a choice on what you want to focus on. I must say I think it is beautiful that you contacted your son and were able to open up about a few things. That is certainly something extremely positive that came out of this difficult situation. What do you think could be other positives you could pull out from this hard situation?
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