I finally made a choice today. I've been in a relationship with someone who loves me more than I can imagine. He has a young son, and his ex is quite vengeful about the entire situation, so he is struggling to get on his feet. (Remember people: an unmarried woman in CA who gives birth automatically receives full custody of the child, thus can claim full child support if she refuses to let you see your child.)
I also have panic disorder and have had since the third grade. Being with him is a struggle for many reasons: the ex, he is not on his feet, learning to be a step-mom, learning to accept hatred from people I do not know (again, the ex brought this about), and helping him to understand me with my anxiety...
We have fought about it several times and in each circumstance, he makes it so that if we were to end things, he would suffer more. This puts added pressure on me to help him get back on his feet while helping myself get on my feet, dealing with my anxiety, learning to be a step-mom, etc etc..
Sometimes he has given deadlines of when I will get back on my feet or he will leave, and I have always told him it put pressure on me but that I was willing to go with it if he didn't watch my every move about it (figuratively speaking).
Last night was another fight. Today I make my choice. I choose me and my health and well-being before anyone in this world.
I am my priority. He has his priorities. I have mine, and, in mine, my number one is me. Why? Because I cannot be a good step-mom, a good wife, even a good worker, if I am not in my right place. I come first so that others can receive the best of me. And I will take as much time as needed to accomplish this.
I am sorry that this is something that's hard to reply to, but I needed to "shout" this out as much as I could. I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else.
And, once again, I am my first priority.
Ok, done shouting now :)
