The last week I have felt myself going way down. Before I found about the surgery and I was not very good thats for sure but this has sent me so back I cannot believe it, I feel any progress I made is out the window, sometimes I feel like I cannot go on another day, all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep so I can forget about my life right now and the future surgery that terrifies me, I cant even pick up the phone to make the appts I need, I have seen two doctors, one ER room visit, my nurse, and a ENT doctor all in five weeks! And I am so tired of going to medical doctors that do not seem to help nor care, you would think after all that I would be a little better, its so discouraging, but I cannot just stay in bed because this is NOT going away anytime soon.
My husband is furious with me I think he wants to leave me, I dont blame him, I want too leave me, in a matter of speaking, he pretty much says there is no hope for me, I have lost all self control and strength and he does not want too be bothered, he has always been my rock and now he has turned from me, I know what he is thinking because I overheard bits and pieces of his conversation with his Mom on Easter Sunday, he pretty much said "I had to deal with her panic and depression and that was hell now this surgery and her health" I do not blame him for being mad, I have fallen hard and cannot seem to get up, I just wish he would not be so angry, it hurts the situation and makes me feel worthless and weak, more than I now am.
How am I going to pick up the phone and make these calls? It terrifies me, I have too go under general antheisia, and as I told everyone about my Mom not making it, and I have really no one to help me thru recovery, I dont want my husband with his anger and hostility helping me, and there is really no one else, all these tests and then I fear something else will be wrong.
I am so tired, I hope this tiredness is just depression and not a heart problem or anything. I am hoping and praying within the next few days I can get the ball rolling, the ENT seems to think it should come out, and I know it should the wheezing from the vocal cords are scaring me. I am trying to get the courage by reading other forums, like Sunny and her experiences, Carmies positiviity and hope and Red's courage what she needs too do and Bren and her situation, I only hope I can, I had a full blown panic at the ENT and I dont want that again, and I guess the main fear is not living thru surgery and leaving my son.
I think my son and this site is what gets me thru it, its so hard to live when you think you are dying everyday.
