I guess I need a pep-talk. I have an appt tommorow, well I guess today its after midnight, with my nurse-practioner and I do not want to go! I hate any kind of appt's. I know I have to go because its been over four months and she must see me and to refill my medication, everytime I have an appt I dont sleep well at all and its a mad dash across town because my husband pulls in the driveway and I am waiting and he drives fast to get there, just getting there is a panic so rushed.
I guess the real reason I dont want to go is because I am not healed yet, last time I saw her she was shocked at my demise and even said "you are a wreck a complete total wreck" which of course was true but I wish it would of been left unsaid, it really set me over the edge, made me worse and was not helpful at all! Also she brings my weight up, I had lost weight last time I saw her because I was hardly eating because I was so bad at the time, about 20 pounds she did not notice she said, and this time I have not gained but I dont think I lost, I have been eating for health and nutrition more than losing weight.
I SO hope it goes well and nothing is said too upset me or drive me back down, I am so worried about having a car accident on the way there and my son, who had a problem the other day, will be by himself at a baseball game, should I cancel? I am a wreck just thinking about it, I am afraid I will have a panic attack before I go, last time I had a big attack before I went, it was one of my worst ones it lasted almost a half an hour, I hope she sees that I am trying, that is why I hardly go to Doctors because I walk out feeling worse than when I walk in, my therapist said "just walk in with a smile get your're meds and leave" Should I not tell her that I am still feeling fear and worry and depression? I should be honest I think, she does not get the health anxiety I do not think. I hope I can make it without an attack and I hope it goes well, I begged her for a phone session, I would pay her of course but she "must see me" and I cant hear that I have not lost weight, because frankly this disorder attacks tall, thin, short, heavy etc......all kinds of people! and I am not there for that reason anyway! I have been dreading this and putting it off for months and now its here and I have to deal with it, and I so hope it goes well and I can get help, last time it was so bad I cried for a week, why is it SO hard for me to find good decent professional help for this??
Please hope and pray members it goes well, I cannot cope with a setback now. How I hate going to appointments!
