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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 13

Hugs4u

Caregivers are and will always be angels on earth. It takes such heart and passion to do that. I think it is the most under appreciated job in the the western world.

Way to go making me google a word: Milieu I had no idea what it meant! Thanks for the vocabulary stretch! Now I do!

I also wish I were more resilient, I find that a little backslide, can send me into a tailspin and I feel as weak and helpless as when this all started... then some good days come and hope returns...

I am totally surprised how many anxious thoughts forms I filled out in the last 24 hours Jeez! My mind is doing overtime! (and not in a good way!)

Heal thy self. :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 13

Hello Davit, It is Heal-thy-self : )

I really enjoy helping others and sometimes I get out of balance, I thought the name would help to remind me... The Ativan had been going on for 2 years....off and on usually 1/4 to 1/2 mg daily, somedays none. I am not looking forward to the taper, but I know the trouble. What were the feelings that were worse on the Ativan for you? If I am feeling the same way a switch would be in order. I see you post often and you are always so positive and helpful. I am glad to see that. Thank you for replying to my post. PS Love the photo with the horse! It looks like a heavenly day there!

Heal thy self :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Healthyself,

I like your name, since it shows optimism, and a long term plan or destination or state.

I've tried a lot of stuff, and had some wonderful people who believed in me through my personal growth journey.

Cbt is forward thinking and you sound like you'll soak it up complete that journey.

As I drove through a huge university campus as a Pepsi tractor trailor backed up its party supplies for new students, I felt sad because I wasn't emotionally equiped to be part of that milieu for most of my life. Once I was offered a job as a dishwasher at the university I wanted to attend. I made some headway later in a school that allowed me to pace my study, as I struggled with the elephant in the room.

When those dreams pop like balloons, what I find left is caregiving responsibilites and there are no career considerations as I perform the mundane, unappreciated work that caregivers share daily, quietly and just suck it up.

My BP is great. I just wish I was more resilient...but no one's perfect...let us know how you're doing.

You'll have time to enjoy life and a family, it sounds.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Healthyself

Welcome to the site. CBT does work and you sound willing to give it a shot. As a former Ativan addict I have to recommend you ask your doctor for a different benzo if you are going to do it long term. Benzo's will make the CBT more acceptable but Ativan has problems if used more than a month that could make you worse. (personal experience) I had a very hard time breaking the dependance of Ativan and I hate to see anyone go through that.

I'm curious, is it Healty-self or Heal-thy-self. Could be either but sounds the latter.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Healthyself: Welcome to the site and the program. You sound motivated, that's a good first step. You have to want to heal and get better. Some people don't want the challenge of getting better, or find it too difficult for many reasons. Keep the faith and believe in a better future.

Sunny

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 13

Hugs4you,

Thanks for the reply and the support.

I do have a question for you.

How are you? It sounds like you have made it through some rough stuff and have come out the 'other-side' I would like to hear about your experience. We are all one after all, and if you can, then I can. RIght? We are all made of the same stuff... I just need to find the stuff to be free. :) I hope your BP in under control now! That is such a hard disease because most of the time you feel just fine, the motivation for taking the meds is very low... I believe (with my entire heart) that there is no damage that can not repaired, maybe not to the original form... but I have always had a thing for tape :)

Thanks again for the support.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 13

Samantha, Thank for your reply. I love the question about how committed I am, at first I thought WTH? I am on the website albeit fairly anonymous talking about how scared I am and what brought me here, and then I thought longer and well, reasonable question. I have has panic attacks and fear of dying for 2 years. Trying to rid myself of them for about a year, then accepting myself and the panic (my new guru) for the last year (with the help of a therapist). But here's the thing, every time I get progress and have a back slide it really freaks me out. I retreat. So the thing that would keep me from moving forward is the thing that has me here. FEAR!!! Fear of being this way forever, scared, limited and ick. So my commitment is high. I have tried many ways, talk therapy, hypnotherapy Chi gong, meditation and ativan. They have all helped in some ways, I am not in the fetal position in bed fearful to stand up, like I was in the beginning. I had a nanny who i would have follow me driving further and further each day... she graduated college and got a 'real job' :)

But, I have not tried a program like this. I am pretty intense and tend to do everything by the letter. I am a good follower of rules. But I am also fearful of dying and I have not yet convinced myself that my fears are unfounded. In fact I am expert of coming up with reasons why my fears are.... false exaggeration appearing real.... I get it intellectually but my feeling are not in sync with the monkey mind ( and WOW these monkeys have skills!) BTW, yes I am clear that we all die, from what I can tell we really don't get to pick how.... (well most of us don't) and I would like to live more before I push up daisies.

Thanks for the questions and the support.

Healthyself.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hello healthyself,

The program does help, take it one session at a time and work through it at your own pace. It does take time and energy but the hard work will pay off. Know that you are not alone, we are here for you.

It sounds like you have a few goals set for yourself and you know that direction you'd like to see yourself go. How committed are you in reaching your goal? Whatever your first step is, can you think of anything that might stop you from doing it?

Samantha, Health Educator

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Yes it's "freakin" hard! It's great for you to reach out...keep in touch...it's painful to think of how hard it was for me at the beginning, or along the long path to what seems "normal" now....keep in touch, and good luck with this programme.

I can't speak to meds, since I had an aversion to them, but paid for it in the mainstream medicine way, by not managing my blood pressure properly, and the career and personal collateral damage...

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 13

Anxiety: Started after my mother dies 6 years ago.

Panic attacks: Started after my own near death allergic reaction.

Fearful of: Dying of allergic reaction to just about anything now.

Trouble with it: Now I break out in hives from stress, and think it is an allergic reaction: Awesome.

Limitations: I hate being alone, I am so afraid I will have an allergic reaction (BTW severe allergic reactions and panic attacks feel incredibly like one another) and not be able to get to the epi pen fast enough or I will die in front of my son who is 4 years old.

I do not drive anywhere but the store and work with limits me to about a 10 mile radius and on some days that is utterly panic stricken drive. Just writing this down is causing me to tense up!!!

Eating is a challenge, since my anaphylaxis I have learned I am allergic to shellfish and aspirin (both of which I ate and took for 39 years)

I practice medicine for a living and I am trying to help people get over what I can not seem to do! Awesome again!

(Good news when I am work , everyone know what to do!)

I feel like a stuck miserable failure most of the time, but you would never know it, i am quite skilled at smiling and playing it down.

Good News: 1/2 mg Ativan sometimes 1/4 mg gets me through the day. I never dosed up and just sucked it up when things got bad with the symptoms because I am aware of the withdraw issues with higher doses and figured I have enough problems. (never took SSRI's I breast fed my son for 3 years and the research is weak with breastfeeding and SSRI's so I chose not to) I was unable to leave my house 2 years ago alone at all, my husband drove me to work...and that is all I did. Now through meditation and much work with a therapist I am able to get myself to work and eat more.... But I am so far away form the person I would to be.... I want my freedom back!

I hope that I will be able to overcome this so that I may help others overcome their issues with panic and anxiety. I also want to drive alone in my car without feeling freaked out and pulling over on the freeway crying thinking I am dying! What a concept!

I hope someone here understands how freaking hard this is and how much energy goes into this crap every freaking day! I just want my freedom back!

Signing off,

Healthyself

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This sucks.