there were two people in teh world i trusted and one of them doesn't want to deal with me anymore. how am i supposed to build positive core beliefs when the people practicing psychological help of any kind are jokes. giving me advice and then walking away. money in hand.
problems can't be solved like this. people need to go back to living in small communities of tribes where you know the same people your whole life and they can't walk away from you on a whim and tell you you're the one with the problems when they are causing such anxiety by continually walking away. ultimately, no one feels beholden to anyone else in our culture. capitalism has cut us off from each other completely. we even pay for a facsimile of intimacy by going into counselling. someone you are paying can't care about you, you are just a client like all their other clients. if you are not born into a good family and luck out with good people in your life who have integrity, you have to be very very strong to live and find meaning in a life where relationships are not options for you. i am not that solitary or strong. i have searched my whole life for relationships . for people who stick by me and icould stick by htem. they don't ever want me and dont ever want to stick by me.
i do not know why. no one has ever told me why i am never chosen to participate in the great endevor called attachment. i go back and forth in my mind, thinking 'its me' no its them' no its me. over and over. i might get labelled as crazy one day, but i want it to be known that no one should pass judgment on me until they live without any real love that never leaves or attachment. then they can see how hard it is to live a life and be happy. i struggle and have struggled my whole life to have real love. i have been in many relationships but the person leaves as soon as i get tired of smiling and express that i have needs too. or they yell at me and then leave.
what i want is an honest conversation with someone about how to live a life where good relationshis might just not be in the cards for me. cbt ends up being wishful thinking in this case because its about how i will somehow someday find loving people to have in my life and that somehow i will magically attract these people into my life. the truth is that i don't have anyone right now and CBT, I do not know how CBT can help except to remind me this is possibly temporary. What about right now? No one knows how to help me and CBT isn't changing any of that. I am not ok alone, there are no positive affirmations i can come up with that make me feel ok with being alone.
I have not been on here for a few months. I started medication. It has helped a lot. But my negative emotions still manage to flare up in a really bad way. I"m at the point now with this healing process where everything I read , re-read from all my advice books and online doesn't seem relevant to my situation. I am hoping someone somewhere will help me find the next piece of the puzzle or the next step in the process.
CBT worked for the mild anxiety I was experiencing day to day. However I am also suffering from acute attacks of rage and feeling abandoned and terrified. Like true terror, we use that word a lot but to feel terror run through you for what feels like an eternity (usually about 2-3 hours of terror) is misery. I don't know what kind of psychotherapy I need. I have considered and tried to determine if i am bipolar or depressed or have anger management issues or what. I really don't know. All i know is that i want to live FREE of these attacks where I feel like everything has gone black, no one cares about me. The attacks come on so fast that I don't have time to slow them down or do CBT. once they have started I am in an indescribible state emotionally overwhelmed and in a lot of pain. only 2 people know i have them and neither of them know what to do when I am panicking.
I think that until i find a proper diagnosis i am going to be going in circles trying various thigs that are ultimately not stopping these attacks. any advice???
Well, I'm not a newbie but I've been quiet of late so I will take the bait Davit... you are not ugly... it's just that you be way prettier when Sunny is in the picture too
I'd like to welcome the new members but they seem to be hiding. Am I ugly, I'm certainly not silent. Maybe that is it, I'm too noisy and scaring them away. Could be I guess. Okay, I will shut up and sit in the corner till someone wants to talk. :-) Maybe :-)
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