Well... it is slow going but definitely working. And, yes, I do believe it to be a very basic core belief. I hate to use another food analogy, but it's like a good cut of beef which is finely marbled throughout... shame is marbled throughout my entire system. It's affected everything. I'll address one issue and be making progress and then BAM! shame cuts me off at the knees. Like everything else we've learned to challenge with CBT ... a lot of the shame dissipates when confronted in an assertive manner. I tend toward being very passive and just giving up or else very aggressive, angry at myself for allowing the shame to get me again. I feel so much shame about feeling shame... can't win. Except now all that is beginning to change.
One example is that when I post something on this forum and do not get any sort of response, I immediately go into shame mode... Nobody is answering because what I wrote is so stupid or rude or out of context. If I post to encourage a member and then they don't show back up... then surely it is I who chased them away and ruined everything. I "speak" and people either ignore me or run away. Shame, shame, shame.
When I stop and question that shame with confidence (not hating on myself or lying down in defeat) ... well, the shame gets embarrassed and weakens... it just doesn't hold up. There are many reasons people respond or don't respond to each others' posts. Most, have absolutely nothing to do with the poster. Lives are complex. I know that I am welcome here on this site. And that I'm not stupid or insensitive (for the most part). So feeling shame about sharing with the group and wanting to run away and erase myself from the forums is just not justified.
I still feel the shame... new topic... new shame... there is so much! But challenging it is working. Hopefully it will be like challenging the anxiety and fear and the whole process will get easier, simpler, almost automatic. Thank you so much for asking ... and listening ... and believing :)
