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thoughts that provoke attacks

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi again Peace,

This is all part of the healing process. It will take time to get used to this new way of being. You have had these thoughts and behaviours for so long so it is normal for it to feel a little foreign at first. Be patient with yourself and post often!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Hi Ashley,

Thanks so much for responding! I am learning that journaling and thought challenging works. It is definitely tough at times when the new anxious thoughts come and I have difficulty trying to challenge some of them. The constant doubt and questioning is a problem, but I will keep at it. I think it just feels strange not panicking over certain especially disturbing thoughts and that's why I began to question the reaction. When one of the biggest fears is going crazy and hurting someone you love, it seems strange not to recoil in absolute terror and panic when the thought comes and that led to the fear of it being bad. I will continue to work with this new anxious thought.

Thanks so much for your support :)

Linda

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Peace,

It is normal that once you start challenging anxious thoughts more anxious thoughts come to the surface. Stick with it and you will see results. It will take time and hard work but we will be here to support you through it.

Not being anxious when thinking scary thoughts is ok. If you are not anxious when thinking something does not mean you want to do it. It could just mean that logically you know you will not do it so you are not anxious. Try to use the challenging anxious thoughts worksheet to see the validity of anxious thoughts.

It is great that you did not get anxious this time when thinking these thoughts. What did you learn from this?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Ok, I have yet one more question...This morning was rough as usual, but I did the journaling and thought challenging things and started feeling better a little while ago. Now I know there are many people who have had experiences with being afraid of being around knives and stuff for fear they would hurt someone. I've experienced that as well and just a few minutes ago I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit and my mom and son were there. I started having the usual scary thoughts, but did not panic over it. The thoughts kept up the whole time and just continued doing what I was doing, but then, and this is probably ridiculous, but I have to make sure, I started to think that because I wasn't panicking maybe it was bad. Maybe it meant that I wanted to do it and was no longer afraid of it. I'm going to drive myself nuts over this without answers. I am hoping this is just the result we hope for...that when the anxious, scary thoughts come, we do not react with fear and panic.

I appreciate anyone sharing their knowledge or experience with this. Thank you

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Hi Vincenza,

Thank you for your comforting and encouraging words. I am in fact feeling better this evening and you guys have been such a tremendous help. I have been quite weepy lately and am crying with joy over finding this site :) I was so discouraged when I realized there were no support groups in my area, nor any anxiety specialists. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a site like this.

I do have one more question...from what you guys know about this anxiety beast and how it feeds on our greatest fears, would it make sense that since my single most greatest fear is something happening to my son or me doing anything that could cause him harm, directly or indirectly, it could explain these stupid repetitve thoughts? I also find it interesting that when my panic first started, which I'm assuming was the result of immense stress and anxiety at work and school (and years and years of other nonsense), my fear was that there was something medically wrong. Then when I had those things ruled out I became panicky over the mental aspect...afraid of going crazy, losing control, etc...Then when those things were dispelled somewhat, this thing with my son started. Get rid of one thing and up pops another. Man, this anxiety stuff sucks!!! I am getting quite fed up. Do you think it helps if we get mad at it? lol

Thank you again for your wonderful support!

Linda

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Thanks so much, Davit. You are very kind and your insight is so helpful. I'm feeling a bit better now and I will definitely get to work on the journaling. I've always used writing as a release in the past, but I've had no desire with this panic stuff. I do, however, realize the importance and helpfulness of it so I am going to make the effort.

I have also been following your suggestion regarding replacing the negative with the positive and it seems to have been helpful today. I've also been practicing what Claire Weekes taught about catching the "first wave" of panic, accepting it, and not feeding it and allowing it to get worse. It can be exhausting when one has to do it every five friggin minutes, but it is worth it!!

Thank you again, Davit. I am so glad that you made it through the bad times and I think it is wonderful that you are on here helping and encouraging others. It is incredibly inspriring to me.

Linda

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi peace18,

It's perfectly fine to vent here and I hope by writing out your concerns that you are feeling better this evening.

I agree with Davit to journal to get the thoughts out of your head and then try to identify where you think these thoughts stem from. They are illogical and not what you truly feel for your son so its understandable that it would cause you anxiety and fear.

I hope each day gets easier - let us know how you are doing.

Vincenza, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

peace.

First off this is not something that you have to fear. In my other post I mentioned knowledge. Panic attacks are terrible because of the confusion. See nothing is logical and a person grabs onto unrealistic thoughts which makes it worse because they are unrealistic and although you know it you can't stop it. You do not think your son is a jerk, you think his peers are. Now to take it a step forward you probably wonder with all the possibilities why he isn't. OKAY. Subject is open. Now comes the confused thoughts. Maybe he is. Maybe you didn't notice. Are you saying, "no way". Good. you should be. No way is conscious thought. Yes maybe is subconscious. Negative thought is always stronger. (a product of the negativity all around us in our world). You will read a lot about journaling here. It is a way of giving the positive thought the upper hand. It is a way of bringing the conscious positive thought to the front and dispelling the subconscious negative thought.

What sets off these sort of thoughts is not so important as knowing that they are illogical and have to be treated as such. But they are so strong that without something like journaling and challenging them they can seem very true.

Because they are not normal thoughts they are one of the first for Xanax to block. Don't beat yourself up for Xanax, it is only a tool.

The more unrealistic the thought the more you know it is the disorder and not you. Keep that thought in mind. By the way, I have been in an institute, it is not the answer. I still had to deal with my condition when I came out. It was a good rest though. Food isn't all that good and the beds no hell but the atmosphere and home like situation was great and I still have friends I made there. ( I got sent because of suicidal thoughts because I was in a lot of physical pain )

Keep posting, and ask anything you want.

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Hi everyone,

I've read through a lot of past posts and have found comfort and hope in them. I am very grateful for this site and I hope that I can soon help inspire others as well.

There's one thing I am stuggling with terribly right now and I am hoping that someone has had experience with it. I greatly appreciate any insight at all. I've mentioned it to two therapists in the past week and some of the things they said have actually made it worse. I had been feeling a bit better for a couple of days until that happened.

It may sound silly since I know that there are much worse things that can go through our minds, but this is effecting me very badly because it leads to worse thoughts. Ok, here we go...I have an 18 yr old son whom I love dearly. He is a wonderful kid and we have a wonderful relationship. I have never felt anger towards him or thought unpleasant things. I understand that it is normal and common for parents to feel and think things from time to time with their kids, but I just never had it happen. Part of it is defintiely because he has always just been a great kid and also because I have a lot of patience with kids. I don't get bothered or annoyed with typical kid things. I'm actually kind of a big kid myself :)

So anyway, I recently started having this thing happen where as soon as I think of my son (which is often) or see something of his, the word "jerk" pops into my head. I have no idea why this happens, I do not think he is a jerk, and it literally drives me crazy that I would think such a thing. It gets so bad that I let it send me into a massive, daylong panic frenzy. I start thinking that maybe there's some strange subconcious thing going on, wondering if I have some buried bad feelings, or that I'm going crazy and could hurt him. He is the most precious person in my life. I love him more than anything and these thoughts are killing me. I almost tried to check myself into an institution last night, but they don't take people with panic/anxiety. Last night it got really bad, I calmed myself a bit and took more xanax (which I beat myself up for) and then the word "kill" popped into my head and I almost had a heart attack.

One therapist said that maybe I did think the word "jerk" one time because I was feeling something perfectly normal and know it's just sticking because of the anxiety. That made me kind of freak because I'm very uncomfortable thinking anything derogatory about my son. Then she said that maybe I just miss him because he hasn't been home much. I really don't think I feel bitter about that because I understand that he's 18 and it's normal to be out with friends a lot. I worry, but I am happier when he's out having fun rather than being stuck in the house bored.

The other therapist asked me if maybe he reminded me of his father and that scared the hell out of me. His father was very violent and abusive. We actually had to move half way across the country to get away from him. My son is nothing like his father and I've never felt that he was, but this therapist's comment scared me into thinking that maybe I think it on a subconscious level.

I am almost afraid to be around my son right now ebcause of this and it's killing me. I don't know what to do. I've tried avoiding the thoughts, challenging them, changing them, letting them occur, but I keep getting stuck. I feel sick to my stomach. I can't eat or sleep.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just really needed to get it off my chest.

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thoughts that provoke attacks