This post is the 3rd one dedicated to express what I am learning from each therapy session.
Yesterday it was a different day for me because on the previous night I only slept 2 hours and my anxiety levels reached high levels that I did not feel for a long time. I arrived at 7pm at the consult with the therapist and started the session.
We started talking about the possibility of being with a bipolar disorder since I have many symptoms associated with it. I told that I went to my doctor this week and the medication was changed with a mood stabilization and a anti psychotic. Previously I was being medicated with antidepressants but it seems 3 months on the antidepressants made my anxiety levels much worse. Both my doctor and therapist told me that even thought I am experiencing mood fluctuations it can not be concluded yet that I could have a bipolar disorder since what is called the "manic" symptoms is situational and derivate from concrete factors, do not came out of the blue. Moreover, the antidepressants were clearly making me more anxious and affecting my sleep and should be abandon.
My therapist told me that because of my perfectionisms and being so exigent with my self, not giving me any time to rest my mind, caused me this levels of anxiety. The depression come later, because as I am not able to relax, my body try to adjust these prolonged anxiety periods with a depressive one.
I discovered an interesting thing about myself. My family thinks or expects that I am a very organized person and I never challenge this with them. But looking to myself and and my true personality I do not feel like a extreme organized person (I am on the middle range). What happens is that my attitudes (or behaviors) do not reflect who I am, because I try very hard to be very organized which is in contradiction with my true personality. In this way I became very anxious and even obsessive trying to be perfect and being exigent with myself, entering in the pangs cycle and increasing my anxiety levels.
I know that I need to do my activities but I should also give permission for myself to relax everyday and have a balanced life. This is not easy but I am trying to be a better person each day and do not be so thought with myself.
