This week created some major setbacks for me as I learned of a younger relative dying. After hearing the story of how suddenly she died at only 21, I was offset the entire week (as many people would be) but on Saturday night I had a major panic attack (which I have not had like that for over a year). I was sure that I was going to die just like she did and had my jacket on, shoes on and was in the truck ready to drive to the hospital to seek help. After somewhat calming down with the help of my husband I only felt depressed, guilty and scared. I hate putting him through that but when he continues to try and help me by telling me it is just anxiety and to breathe I only fight him more on it telling him I need to go (to the hospital). Its almost as though when he gives in that I start to calm down. My problem with death is not that I can't accept that it is a part of life because believe me I know all to well that it is a part of life. Its that I just cannot stomach and continue to worry about when me or the ones I love will be gone. Once upon a time I did not think about these things. I want to be a person that does not worry this stuff as much as I do.
