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Can´t Live Like This Anymore

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 49

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to take a quick moment to say thank you to everyone who has replied to my original post. All your wisdom, personal insight and encouragement gave me that boost I really needed. Well, since last Wednesday (when I originally made this post) a lot has changed and that's because I'm making things change. For example, I've been so "comfortable" in this shell that I've made for myself that I've almost forgotten what anxiety and panic attacks felt like, crazy I know. So whenever I'd be in a situation that I know that I wouldn't like, and that I know would bring on anxiety I'd ignore it. Well not anymore! In the last 5 or 6 days I've been facing my anxiety and fears head on, but it sure isn't fun. My anxiety and panic haven't been this bad in FOREVER but then again I know that things will get worse before they get better. I just have to keep at it. I have to admit this is all very frustrating yet very exciting too.

Thanks again everyone :)

Spartan

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

Spartan,

I've been away for a bit some I'm catching this post a little bit late, but I still wanted to chime in. Your post was an emotional one for me also, probably because I can truly relate to how you felt. Like Juanita, I had to hit rock bottom and mess up a lot of things in my life before I really could commit to the decision to take the bull by the horns and do whatever it takes to overcome this anxiety. I'm also in my 20s and was reduced to not working and barely leaving the house. It's been four months now since that worst point and I am making progress and slowly gaining my life back. I was worried at first that it could easily slip up and I could end up back to square one, but I realize now that it is a long and sometimes difficult process, but the result of all that hard work is that I'm building a strong foundation for myself so that I can recover from this for good. There are too many things I want to do in my life to be limited by panic attacks, and once that motivation really strikes you, you are heading in the right direction.

Keep us posted; we're here for you.

Teebs

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi Spartan,

I'd give you a big hug too...and tell you its ok...I had to "hit my rock bottom " before I really made up my mind to change myself....I was so tired and pissed off at myself for always messing up my employment due to my anxiety that this past spring, when I started having panic attacks at my new job, and could'nt walk the hallways I cried and cried, and then decided that I was going to get help.....no matter what.... I think we've all been there! Maybe your love of concerts will be the driving force for you! You can do it!

I've gone over this program at least 3 times, and like Sunny says.... have gottten something new each time.

You are so young....you have the power here to rid yourself of your panic..and imagine all those concerts you will be going to! This is your time !

Here for you, Juanita

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 221

Hi Spartan,

If I could, I would give you a big hug! That sounds like a rough night.

I echo what Queens06 has said. Work through the program slowly, at your own pace. Be patient with yourself, and in time you will be able to return to the concert venue.

The situation has fuelled something in you, so take that energy and channel it into healing. You will emerge from this victorious!

Helena, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 44

Hi Spartan,

I can relate to how frustrated and upset you are. I've been there too. What you need to realize is that you have realized what you need to do! That, in itself, is an acommplishment. We have all been there. There are days where I feel that I am ok and days where it takes me by surprise as well. Just remember that we are here to support you. I think if you work through the program slowly you'll realize that you'll be able to go to the venue again. Actually, I would ise your anger and go back sooner than later... be pissed off! Anxiety is not fun, but it won't hurt you. That's the most important thing that I have learned. Be Kind to yourself, give yourself a chance and know that your not the only one. Good for you for posting. You can do this!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11213

Hi Spartan,

I had tears in my eyes reading your post. I can really hear how frustrated and even devastated you are. What you are feeling is completely understandable. I was so impressed by how quickly you came to the conclusion you did though. You are so right. Let this experience motivate you.

You deserve to enjoy these things and you will! That moment and these emotions happened for a reason. It sounds like it was a horrible experience and I hate reading about how upset you were. I wish I was there with you to help. But in the end I think this experience was a positive and you needed to experience these very real emotions. All of your fears were very real. Let this moment motivate you to continue to work on this. What a great opportunity for exposure work and for bonding with your husband - concert therapy!

You can get to a point where you never have to feel that way again. What will you do next time in a similar situation?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Spartan,

Good for you on making the decision to start working the program again. Its good to see you posting...This is a very positive move on your part and I want you to remember to give yourself credit for making the decision to start doing the work. Thats right you made the decision to start working on the cbt program again and that deserves a reward. Its so important to reward yourself for all your accomplishments. Both big and small. Like if I get showered and dressed and leave the house I feel I have accomplished a great deal that day. Its takes a lot of steps to do those 3 things.. So in my eyes if you go to a concert and stay for any length of time you have accomplished a great deal. It takes many steps to be able to go to a concert and I see this as a success not a failure. Now that you are working the program again I really think you will be able to stay longer at the next concert.....Just keep working the program slowly but surely and you will get there.....Oh Yea and don't forget to give yourself some little rewards along the way.....

Your friend,

Red

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Good morning Spartan: Congratulations. You're thinking, what for I just had an awful, worse day of my life, experience. Because this is an opportunity for a brand new fresh start. For realizing that you have to do the work and practice what you read and learn. This is a good first step. Why do you think you procrastinate? What did you get out of procrastinating? a safe but false haven perhaps. It is hard work to challenge negative thinking. You are right when you say you are young and have lots of exciting things to do such as concerts. I would like to suggest to start again from the beginning. Do the homework faithfully and practice the relaxation techniques every day, pick a time when you won't be interrupted, same chair, bed, or lying on the floor, whichever place you choose, it's up to you. Maybe this time when you study the chapters, something will really click for you. I've done this program at least four times. Each time I learn something new for myself which might address another area in my life. We are holding your hand through this and support you. You can do it. Keep the faith.

Your friend, Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Sparten.

I know the rule here says not to say "I know what you are going through" But I do. I know the anger, and the pain, I know the hopelessness. I really do, I'm not just saying that.

You are right it is your fault If you didn't put in the time. I have said it before, this is the hardest simple thing "you" will ever do. If it was easy there would not be so many sufferers.

That said, focus on the word "simple." It really is simple when you break it down to it's simplest component. The program is twelve weeks. But most of us spent years getting it down right. Some do get it faster, but just like degrees of panic there are degrees of cure. So don't be surprised if it seems to be taking forever. It will happen.

Again you are right you have to put in the time, over and over, Journalling, convincing and reinforcing that thinking, till you want to puke. And working on the coping so you can handle the exposure, so you have a way to deal with the crowds. I'm not saying you will be panic free, I'm saying you will build the skills you need to turn that panic into excitement instead. You can learn to ignore all the triggers. Having had a panic attack and recognizing it you can never go back to a time before them, but you can neutralize them so they have no effect. They will always be in your memory what you want to do is learn how to not recognize them and this takes time and work. I am proof it works, so are others. For me it was probably two years, mostly because I did not have this program and these people to help.

I know this is tough love but it is love all the same, we are here for you, even if only to stand by you in your struggle. We will cry with you and laugh with you and celebrate your triumphs too no matter how small. We are here with you. You have to do the work but you do not have to do it alone. Keep posting so we can be there for you.

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 49

{I know it's long...but if you have time please read and offer some insight. Thanks.}

I have no one to blame but myself. Today is quite possibly the worst day of my life.

I was at a concert tonight, my favorite band in the entire world actually and they finally came to my city. My husband and I saw them 4 years ago in Minneapolis, so we've been waiting a while to see them again. I was so excited for months, and today especially - I spent hours getting ready, and I was fine until we got to the venue. I was so excited about the concert that I totally forgot about my anxiety interfering with this day. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've never been more angry and upset...honestly, never. My husband wanted to stand at the front but I can hardly stand being in a room with more than 20 people, so that was out of the question. I told him I would stand on the side and watch. So I did as he and my two brothers and our best friends rocked out and then I started to feel worse. I tried so hard to stay and just focus on the music but then I had a full blown panic attack. I didn't have a cell phone, car keys, bottle of water, or my husband - I was alone in a room full of thousands of people. I couldn't take it...I managed to "swim" my way to the front of the crowd just to find my husband so I could get the car keys so I could go home. He looked...really sad, disappointed almost I guess because he know how excited I was about this event. But he let me go anyway...

So as I type this right now they're all still there at the venue enjoying quite possibly the best concert I've ever missed. Some of you will say a concert big whoop, no big deal. Well, to me it is a big deal. My husband and I grew closer together as we were dating years ago because of our love of music; and when other people our age would be going out to the bar and partying we'd save up our money to go to concert after concert after concert, and collect memorabilia and such.

How can I continue to live like this when I can't even do the last thing that I love to do? I've been reduced to nothing, I don't even think I can call this living...I'm barely surviving. Nothing has ever phased me before this like. Because of my anxiety I've lost friends, jobs, basically my "life". Yes I'm still alive, I'm just not the same person I used to be...not even close. I used to be that girl who'd be at the front of the concert with literally thousands of people behind her with not a single fear about it. Now...just thinking about going back to the venue is making me nauseous. Nothing has ever stung like this before. As I was driving home by myself I cried...I cried so hard I thought I was going to puke, and I pleaded with God to just let me be normal. Why do I have to be like this? Why can't I just be normal and do the things I love to do? Or used to love...for that matter.

I get it now...I really do. As I was bawling my eyes out on the way home it finally clicked, I get it now...I have to work at this. No more procrastinating. No more lazy days of lying around and doing nothing. No more excuses. I am the world's biggest procrastinator, and now I've felt the full sting of that trait. I thought I was comfortable in my little "comfort box" or my apartment as everyone else knows it, but really I'm 23 I can't be stuck like this forever. I have so much life to live and there's no way I can just sit back and watch...especially because I remember the way I used to be.

I could keep writing...but I wont. I've never felt more anger and rage at myself for giving up on one of the most exciting days of my life. As I was walking out I wanted to blame my husband for letting me be there alone, but I realize now that I have no one to blame but myself...

Spartan

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Can´t Live Like This Anymore