Today was a good day. I went the whole day with no panic attacks.  I had a little bout of anxiety but nothing that caused me to much discomfort.  I refocused my thoughts and energy on the positive.  Just the thought of my husband possibly getting a job gave me a boost.  What would normally put me in a attack was not my main focus. At work today I allowed everything to go in one ear and out the other.  What a good feeling.  And to top it off when I got home the house was clean and there was a prime rib in the oven.  And even better my husband got the job....The job might only be a month or so but its a start.  After supper I had a relaxing bath and just went in to la la land.  No racing thoughts even tho my mind tried to go that way, but they stopped. I have tomorrow off from work and I plan to read up more on what this sight has to offer. I feel I have made a huge break through.  Focus on the good thing in life. And regroup when things go wrong.

 

I'm not cured but boy do I feel good

Colleen

Colleen,

 

Thank you for opening up, answering questions and explaining your experience so thoroughly. So you are saying that this whole situation has been going on for some time and you have lost most of your control over it. It seems as though you have put quite a bit of energy into dealing with this situation and have yet to see a resolution of any sort. Now that you've placed all the details of this situation on the table you can start to narrow the focus of how you will cope with it. Given the circumstances what is your desired outcome?  Go through the program at your own pace and continue to use this site to post and ask questions.

 

We are here for you Colleen!

 

Hi Ashley,

 

I will try to explain.  There has been so much stuff that has taken place that i will try my best to sum it up.  Every boss has a boss.  When you work as a management team you back one an others decision's whether you think they are right or wrong.  This is what they call a team so I was told.  But what I wasn't told was were does one go when the team or team member meaning my boss and another assistant manager are out to get you.  Five years ago I was promoted to my position by the VP of the company himself.  Trust me this has never happened in the company before.  I live in a town 18 hours away  from our Head office.  We see the big bosses about once or twice a year only.  When I first meet them we hit off right from the start.  I was running a department at the time that was new to our business and grew the sale through the roof.  I was noticed by my piers and by the VP as well.  When I step into my new position at another store I was seen as a threat even tho I had no clue on how to manage a store this big.  Thats when it all started.  Telford and Cathy are the names of the individuals who put me through hell.  They tried to break me to quit with how they scheduled me and treated me.  Everything from telling me to  ****n cut off your hair thats was his wording or wear it up because you need to lead by example.  I work in the food industry but in a office and not in contact with any food preparation. What they asked of me was not what was expected by another female manager in the company.  I spite of what they said, I did cut my hair.  FIRST MISTAKE on my part.  Now they knew they got me.  I didn't realize at first what the game was all about and was just following direction.  I'm not nieve but I have to comply with direction so I thought.  So after many different head games and the verbal abuse I toke for two years I finally got the courage to phone HR from home.  I was very tearful when I spoke to HR to explain the ongoings of my work issues with my boss and the other assistant.  I had asked that he would not mention the phone call but to verify my store with the other assistant Tom who I spoke to and witnessed a lot of the harsh treatment.  Well I guess he had to follow this matter up fully and to speak to Telford to write him up under unprofessional conduct.  It was a write up and he was still my boss so guess what, things at first seemed fine until it started all over again but worse.  He held my job over my head all the time even tho he couldn't fire me only HR can.  But Cathy told me that being a newbie you just aren't grasping the job and maybe your our not ready for this position just yet.  If I didn't need the benefits for my daughter medication which runs approx. 1700.00 a month I would of continued my fight.  I backed down and made sure all my Is were dotted and all my Ts were crossed, they had me.  I meet with HR in person and was pulled a side, I guess the staff had seen how thing were and was phoning him on my behalf asking why is nothing being done.  Cathy was the ring leader and had a bad hate on for me because I was placed in this store to take over her job and she was assigned another job.  HR finally did something about it, they moved her to another store.  Well this just made Telford even madder.  He cant forget or forgive even tho it was the staff that came forth.  I feel if I keep quite he will bury himself or someone will bring him down.  I need my job and I only wish I could just pick up the phone and tell HR everything.  Or tell Telford to back off or I will fight him tooth and nail and only one of us will come out with a job.  The gamble is to risky he has been a manager for 25 years with this company verses my 4 years. So is this a waiting game or a mistake on my part by not putting up a fight.  Fighting is something that I panic the most about.  Watching and hearing my parents fight was a memory I don't want to relive.  My marriage has had some  really scary  moments that involved a lot of that as well until recently my husband sought help for his anger.  That is a totally another chapter of my life that no one truly knows.  I can put on one hell-of-a  poker face and make things look fine.  Thats were it all stems from.  Its called secrets that I don't want my family to know.  Ive been with my man since 14 years of age.  My family truly loves him so do I but we have secrets that hes not proud of.  They know some of the story since they know he had went into counselling and is on medication now but thats about it. Its hard to tell my story cause it goes all over the map and maybe hard to follow.  Outside of work and my marriage I do stand my ground and don't take ****.  But when I'm to scared to fight I back down and  stay quiet and coward in a corner to avoid the unthinkable.  One of your questions was what would I look like if I stood my ground.  Well I can tell you I have gone toe to toe in your face so they say to get my point across.  But to people that  I wont have repercussions with that would affect my life and the way I live it.

 

Tip of the iceberg

Colleen

 

I am glad to hear about your husband!  That's very good news. You will have to keep us updated!

 

I am surprised that you say talking to HR has caused you problems before. In what ways?

 

I was sorry to read the story you wrote about your childhood neighbors.  Some people can be so ignorant.  However, I did find your post very interesting to read.  You seem to be very self analytical and insightful and that is a very useful skill to have.  You said one very important question that I would like to hear the answer to, "why do I allow them to do it to me?"  Really think about this question and I would like to hear your answers.  Also, how do you think you would look if you were a person who did stand up for yourself and was assertive?  How would you act? What would you do? And how would your life be different? Take some time to think about your answers.

 

 

 

 

Things maybe looking up.  My husband got a call to go see about a job starting possibly tomorrow. This could be one problem solved.  I was thinking in the meantime how I can solve my work issue and why I cant speak up.  I hate being judged because this stems back to when we meaning my sister and I were little.  Our father was an alcholic and your mother was a workhaholic.  We fended for ourselves, and didn't have much.  Our parents divorced when I was 6 and I was the youngest of four girls my oldest sister being 13 at the time.  Our neighbours which we were told to always respect and to address them as MR. and Mrs Jones had told their children which were are friends to not hang out with the stupid Smith kids down the road thats being us.  Till this day that still haunts me.  I had heard this first hand when my neighbour was speaking to her daughter and didn't realize I was around the corner.  Ididnt realize Mrs Jones thought of us that way and that hurt horribly.  Its one thing to be teased at school on how we looked because we had no choice but wear seconds hand clothes. But to have someone that you looked up to and respected  have this out look on you is another story.  I feel I alway need to prove myself in everything I do to show people that I'm not the dumb or stupid kid down the road.  Life has been really tough  and I have gone through some major stuff.  Every tragic event in my life I seem to keep a piece of it with me that just cant shake.  I guess if I try to ignore a situation it will just go away.  I need to grow a back bone and stand up for myself and not worrying how I'm gone to  make the other person feel.  I'm a sensitive person who doesn't like hurting other peoples feelings.  But why do I allow them to do it to me I guess is the question. 

 

Its gotta get better

Whats different is the fact that my panic attacks have been hard to control.  Before I even know it I'm in one whether it be driving or just in mid conversation with someone. I normally put a candy in my mouth and suck on it ti control my breathing which normally always helps.  I'm not on any medication for my panic attacks I have just been dealing with them on my own.  In the past I would have horrible attacks that would prevent me from working or going in to public places.  The funny thing is that I work with the public and have had this job for 22 years.  I over think everything, my mind races all the time.  Someone could be talking to me and my mind is still going.  I guess that is whats different I have an  issue controlling my racing thoughts.  A lot has to due with my boss and his moods.  He is the type who talks before thinking and says some pretty harsh things.  I don't know from one day to the next what kind of mood he will be in.  I wish I could just have the courage to speak my mind to him.  But of coarse thats something that I cant do.  My husband is out of work and I am the provider for the family now for the past year and a half.  In telling him off so to speak could probably be not a good thing.  I could speak to  my HR at head office but in the past that has bit me in the ass.  I do believe he will sink himself because he speaks to others this way as well.  This stress of work totally consumes me and how I think and the stress it causes is what is bring back my panic attacks. I know theres an answer out there to solve this issue but I have been unable to find the right fix to correct this.  I would just love for him to get fired or for me to find another job.  I make very good money and I would hate to have to move on tho.  My job is stressful for I am a assistant store manager of a very large store with 270 employees who come to me before him because he is so unpredictable in his moods.  I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.  That why I said GGRR...  Thank you for your support I feel I can share my problems and how it physically controls me. 

 

Colleen

Hi Colleen,

 

Have you started working through program yet? Please do so it will be a big help to you.  What is different now? You say normally you can control the panic.  What is different now about your life and how you feel?

 

see my blog called,The to go person.  Colleen

 

I am I need of calmness.  My fear or panic state is getting the better of me lately.  Normally I can control it because its mind over matter.  My body is not allowing me to brush things off.  I have to get in control or my blood pressure will send me to my grave.  Work right now is the issue.  I would explain but where do I start.  GGRRR...

 

Colleen