Iovine,
I wanted to resond to your question about setbacks. Every setback is different. Some feel mild, and some feel like they have come back with a vengeance. While you're going through it, it may feel as bad as the first time. This is because you are in the middle of it and your memory of the worst one may have faded.
However, I can tell you, that once you've found your way out, your recovery is faster after setbacks. Just this weekend I had the same feelings that you describe below. I felt alone, desperate, and hopeless. Yet, I persevered, told myself that I would cling to whatever hope I could muster, and wait for tomorow. It is now Wednesday, and already I feel better. So, in 3 days, I got back to a point that took me weeks when I first had a PA. As a matter of fact, I felt so good, that I decided to drink a Coca-cola. This was a bad idea since it made me a bit anxious, but at least I can laugh it off today.
One of the things that I did was to resume my routine - shower, get dressed, go to work, eat my meals, keep my appointments, go to my kid's functions, etc. It was extremely difficult to do this. Just thinking about it gave me terrible anxiety the night before and the morning of. However, by resuming my routine, I was better with every step. I wanted nothing more than to call in sick and stay home, but that would have made me feel worse. That first step is the hardest. But, it is necessary to recapture your confidence and to have the anxiety diminish.
Sometimes, you have to take it on faith alone. This weekend, I could not imagine feeling better, so I had to take it on faith (and experience) that I would come out my funk. Yes, the possibility of a relapse is there, but you now know that 1) there is a way out of it; and 2) you have gotten out of it before. So, work on building your confidence so when a setback hits, you are better armed to deal with it.
It sounds like you've had rough patches where you think that you're going to end it all. You need to talk to someone if you are having those feelings. It may very well be that you're upset because you don't want to hurt yourself, but the lingering thought is so upsetting and seemingly unshakable that you almost start to believe that there is some truth behind it. Either way, make sure that you talk to someone.
God bless, and hang in there.