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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Diva,

You are not even close to being a burden, so please don't ever think that. As for the shirt, I think you did the right thing. You avoided the situation, put the shirt back, and removed yourself from the situation. I think you should take the time to relax, and process your feelings and emotions. Then, if and when you feel ready, you should go back for the shirt. That shirt may not always have the same smell and feeling that it once did when you were able to hold your cat, but luckily, the memories of your cat will never fade.

Stay strong, and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello guys,

I am sorry to be back here again. I feel like such a burden. Even my husband indicated he thought I wasn't geting over this as fast as I should. I am so sorry.

Today, after my husband indicated that he thought my reaction was too extreme, I decided to grab myself by the boot straps and do something about it. I do not want to be a burden. He said I was a zombie and not pulling my weight and that because of that he doesn't get to have time to deal with stuff, I figured he is right and decided to give myself a swift kick in the caboose (sp?). So anyway, I started by fixing some administrative things for school. Because get this, when I came back from the vets last friday, I learned that there was problems with my laons for school...At the time I didn't really care though I must admit. But I figure come september I will care. So am trying to fight with the system... Then I did some laundry. Started a load and started going around the house to pick up any clothes that would be lying around. Going around the house is risky business for me at the moment, like walking in an emotional field of landmines...So I come upon a shirt. It was the shirt I wore the day I had to take my cat to the vets. It was the shirt I wore the last time I held Oscar in my arms. I figure it needs cleaning. Friday was a stressful day and I had it on all day. So I decide to wash it. I start heading for the washer and BAM! I start panicking! So here I am now, typing to help me settle down. I settled all of it by avoiding the situation (i.e. I put the shirt back here it was and ran here to bug you guys). So the shirt is back where I found it and I am trying to catch my breath and wait till my heart stops pounding in my throat.

I feel so stupid, it is just a stupid dirty shirt! And everyone seems to think my reaction to al this is too extreme. I am a burden to everyone especially my husband and I hate it. The presence of others should in theory make me feel better but it does not because I can tell they expect me to pick myself up and stop being such a pain in their behinds. It makes me feel so alone. I live with my husband yet I am alone. I go out with a friend, yet I am alone. Maybe they are right, maybe I am just lame.

Anyway, my breathing is getting better. I will go back to fighting the system while doing laundry.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello CD,

Thank you for your caring support. It helps more then you can imagine. Coming here and reading your replies feels like coming to see friends. I am so very grateful.

I slept ok. Was exhausted and managed to get 6-7 hours of sleep not sure exactly but ballpark about 6-7 hours. I have not eaten today yet. I do not feel hungry. I can barely manage drinking water. I try to eat high calorie foods when I do eat just to try and keep my calorie count higher. Not just junk though but like almonds and olives and avocado is higher in calories then say cucumber. Mostly if something tempts me even just a little bit I seize that opportunity to try and eat. I am just not hungry. I barely feel thirst.

Today, right now, I feel numb. An eery calmness/ numbness. All I can feel is a dim pain somehwere in the back, like my soul bleeding. I feel tired and nothing appeals to me. I can't seem to figure out if numb is better or worse. But hey, it is what it is. I just try to get from one moment to the next in one piece.

My house is like a field of landmines ready to set me off and remind me of all I have lost. I fear going to sleep and I fear waking up.

And I know people around me feel helpless to help me in my grief but their presence and words of comfort help me more then they could possibly imagine, as yours does. So thank you very much.

Sometimes reading the lovely posts people have written me and seeing how you all think I did the right thing, sometimes those are the only real moments of peace I get. It is like for a few seconds I can breathe and stop feeling so guilt ridden. So thank you al so much for your support. It really is a Godsend for me at this time.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 778

How you did you sleep Diva ? I am glad you managed some food at least . That will help you . Feel so helpless here , you are a brave lovely person .

Thinking of you CD x

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello Cd and Koneko,

I want to thank you both from the bottom of my heart for your wonderful replies. Your support means the world to me. I must admit being able to come here and rant and get nice caring replies has been a Godsend for through this whole ordeal. I really am grateful that through this forum I have you guys in my life for support. And thank you for reminding me and assuring me that I did what he needed, it helps me a lot in dealing with my guilt.

This afternoon was aweful. I had a major breakdown. I felt really panicky and sad and distraught and everything seemed so surreal. I had an aweful time keeping myself in one piece this afternoon. Luckily for me my husband came home early from work and was here to help me through. He also made sure I ate. I can't seem to motivate myself to eat at all on my own. Then he had to go to his mom so he drove me to my mom's so I would not be alone. She can't come see me since she broke bones lately. So I was at my mom's and that helped. I tink she understood how fragile I feel so she just put movies on all night and sat with me as we watched movies. Mom is great. Then she basically put food in front of me, all kind from veggies to junk to see which would make it down my gullet. I did not manage to eat a whole day's worth of food but I did come much closer thanks to her help. Right now, I am thinking of trying to go to bed. I am feeling a bit numb. I fel afraid to go to sleep though because when I relax and start falling asleep I seem to be very vulnerable to sudden bouts of panic and despair. I will take medication if I need to, I need to sleep. And as CD said, I won't be on them forever.

Anyway, I am rabling again. I guess my fingers are trying to help my brain to wrap itself around all this grief. There is a big whole in my heart.

My evening though did help. I feel at least calmer.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 76

He knows you loved him. I believe something that has the capacity to give us so much love in our life has a soul, whether it be as small as a snail to an elephant I personally believe it doesn't matter. I don't really know if there is an afterlife or what there is in store for us, reincarnation or otherwise. If there is then I'm sure our pets would meet us there, why not? They were a big part of our lives at one time so they should be a part of our afterlives as well I would think.

Take as much time as you need to grieve, there's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling sad but I don't think you should feel guilty. I honestly think that people should be given the same courtesy as animals rather than living on to suffer if they really are suffering horribly I think it's crueler to make someone continue to live on when they don't have the quality of life anymore.

I would take the rainbow as a good omen. Please don't feel guilty! You have nothing to feel guilty about! Your cat loved you and you loved him and he knows it, you gave him the most wonderful life any cat would have loved to live, just remember that. I think you did the kindest thing that we can do for them when they're suffering and I don't think you should feel guilty for that.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 778

Oh Diva no need to apologize at all , you are grieving ok . Im so sorry to read what has happened here . You are critizing yourself far too much my love please dont . You with Oscar every step of the way , he knew that . As for the rainbow whoah , if that wasnt a sign of something good then i dont know what is . Rainbows mean peace , new beginnings to me . Oscar just begun his new beginning i believe . He will always be with you as he was loved that much and returned that love .

So sorry for the way you are feeling as well , its awful . I just got through every hour , im sure you will be the same . As for the meds cough cough thats what they are there for . You know you wont be taking them forever but at this time you need them atm.

Here for you just yell

Love CD xxx

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

I got through the night. I ended up taking a pill at around 6 am because I could not get back to sleep and was just incapable of taking the tension and anguish any longer. Pills don't teach skills but at the moment I don't care.

Waking up was brutal. It all hit me again all that I had lost.I can't seem to eat. I don't even feel hungry. Yesterday I had a bagel and cheese, then oatmeal. Today I have had nothing. I can barely force water down. Oh and the oatmeal, wow had to eat that in tiny bites or it felt like I would gag. And I love oatmeal. My body is just feeling and behaving weirdly right now. I usually overeat when emotional but atm I just am not hungry.

I might go see my doctor to see for sleeping pills. My anxiety pills relax me enough to fall asleep but they are not meant to be taken this way and they are very addictive. I figure she could give me a precritpion for sleeping pills for 2-4 weeks only. I need sleep and yet I fear it. As such it is difficult for me to get a good nights sleep. I ended sleeping in two burst of 3-4 hours on the couch. Pills don't teach skills but I need sleep. I have also called my therapist. I had stopped seeing him since April but I think I need help dealing with this.

My heart pounds and my chest is tight and sometimes it feels like the muscles in my throat will just shut my throat down. All symptoms of the anxiety and anguish I am feeling, I know. Still feels bad though.

I have two other cats. Used to have three (Using the past tense here hurts so badly). Except I feel so mean. Theese two other cats just want to be loved and they want my attention and they want to play. And I feel completely incapable of giving them that at the moment. I feed them and give them their treats and I make sure they have water and clean litter and yet I feel so diconnected from them. Isn't it terrible of me?

Anyway, I am so sorry to be here writting these long unending posts all day and night long. I am sorry, very sorry. Thank you for your patience.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello Birdie,

Thank you for your reply. Your support means a lot.

Thank you for reminding me that I did all that out of love for him and that it was the right thing for him. I keep feeling so guilty. And thank you for sharing your experience with me.

I know this is not conventional or popular thinking with many, thinking that cats have souls and they go to Heaven. But the more time passes the more I believe it. When you are close to an animal you can feel that there is more then just a body, there is essence there or soul. Then isn't it logical that if we go to Heaven they do too? And anyway, in Heaven my cats are there in some form or other, if not it is not Heaven to me. I don't know if it is delusional or wrong thinking of me but it is a delusion that comforts me. And if I am wrong about this, well I am sure He will forgive me for it.

I am trying to get to the next hour in one piece atm. I had taken an anxiety pill. I know pills don't teach skills and that the medication can become addictive when overused but at the moment I just cannot seem to care about all that. Anyway, I ramble. I took a pill so I could sleep some. But then I woke up 4 hours later around 3:30 am. I was still half asleep trying to get back to deeper sleep when I thought that I wish that I could hold my cat in my arms and listen to him purr till I fell asleep. Then it hit me that I would not be able to do that ever again...I felt like I got hit be a train.It was like loosing him all over again. I ache all over.

I miss him.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 101

Diva,

Your message brought me to tears. I appreciate your love for your cat. We are animal lovers here at my home too. You did the right thing and I remember having to do the same thing for my dog years ago. It was very difficult but the right thing. Keep journaling and hopefully that will help you through your grief. Tomorrow is a new day and your wonderful, joyful memories of your cat will stay with you. I truly think that is why God blessed us with animals is to bring us joy. We just rescued a dog and she is so grateful for love. I know your cat knows everything you've done for her was motivated by love.

Birdie

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