So I got to thinking, I've been agoraphobic for a long time, and had anxiety even longer. What happened the first time you really challenged the thoughts? And what happened the first time you challenged your attacks?
I've tried several times to challenge my thoughts, all of them only this year. I've failed more times then I care to count, so I won't....anyhow, here are the 2 major fights:
The first time, I had this sheet of paper, which I got from my first therapist back in February. Don't have the paper right now, but I'll post what it said later in this post because it points out exactly how I challenged it. Anyways, I was in my car, driving from one work spot to another, and I just had a PA. Had the typical aftershocks for agoraphobics, began thinking everyone hated me, etc...then I went through the steps on the piece of paper, and I tried to change my mind to something else. A song was playing, "Jack Johnson - Go On", I just began making my own lyrics to the song. The song came out terrible, but it took my mind of for a few seconds. Then I went straight back into my anxiety. Figured I failed, but I kept trying anyways with this same technique. It kept giving me a few moments of peace, but as always I went back into anxiety and feeling like I failed...I felt like I was sticking my finger in the hottest part of a fire and trying to convince myself it was cold! Like I was an idiot for even trying.
That first time challenging it felt like such a failure, and so did the countless amount of times I tried to do the same thing for WEEKS after. But I kept trying just because I had to do something, and I didn't know what else to do. Little did I know at that time, it was helping my next step...
The way I dealt with my first attack, was after doing the above for about 2 months, hadn't had a PA for 3 weeks! I was talking to a friend at work, and felt it coming on. Tried as calmly as I could to stop the attack, but it happened anyways. Right there, mid conversation with my friend. The attack just started, and I thought to myself...it's happening, duck it (with an "f"), I'm going to let myself feel whatever I feel, react however I react, and just make note of it. I felt all excited inside, my mind was racing, felt "tingles" all over...I couldn't concentrate on the conversation, so I did a quick-cut answer "cool, well I gotta get back to work, take care". Then did a panic rush to my desk, decided I wanted a cigarette then began a Scooby-Doo panic rush around the office with the same friend...went to go outside, saw my friend and panicked again did a quick change in the direction I was heading...she did the same for some reason, probably a reaction to my actions...we both did this same thing at least 3-5 more times as we kept running into each other for some reason. Rofl, we must've looked so damn strange doing that. Finally I somehow made my way outside, had a cigarette, and reflected on what I just felt. The a strange feeling happened, I became exuberantly happy, because I got to see what an attack was like. Then posted the (shortened) story on this here board.
I've come to the conclusion that, you just gotta be like that kid that is learning to ride his
bike, but crashes 100 times before he gets to travel the distance of
one measly cement block on the sidewalk. Then try 100 more until you travel the distance of 2 cement blocks. Don't give in, no matter how much you want to, no matter how hopeless everything is.
Hell, be the that brat little kid that says
nothing but "No" to what anyone says, and keep saying "No" to every
one of your thoughts. Sounds and feels crazy, but really you're not,
you're fighting for your right to be free. Free and able to do what
YOU want. Free to feel good, free to feel happy, free to feel...whatever
you are feeling, and let that be the end of it.
