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Rough night.

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Rough night.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 150

Thanks Gene,

My boss emailed me back and told me that he was simply worried about me, and that when I come in tomorrow, we can discuss keeping part-time work for now. Which is a relief, because it could have gone either way...

My financial problems just now are causing me most anxiety. I quite simply don't have enough money to survive the next 10 days until i get my small paycheck for the 2 weeks of work I will have done. Which means I will now have to go and borrow more money from my mother.

I don't think she minds. She's certainly got money saved away and it's not affecting her to loan me some until I find my feet, but it's the aspect of pride which really hurts. I'm a very proud person and not only do I not like asking for help, but I feel it makes me look less like a success to her.

And work, too. I went back quite suddenly, without time to prepare. I'm not sure what exactly I would have done to prepare, but I just felt as though when I was doing it, I was throwing myself in to the deep end. Maybe that's why after 1 week of part-time work, I was fretting so much about full time. After all, it was the stresses of my previous jobs which lead to me suffering panic attacks in the first place.

I just feel so heavily burdened at the moment. If I was on my own, then perhaps it would simply be depression - but I have my little brother who is staying with me to think about too. He depends on me. And if I can't work, I can't bring in an income to feed us.

I may have really tackled my anxiety, but I still have quite a negative mindstate which I need to change. I have to force myself to think of returning to work as a positive step. My normal instinct is to see it as the anticipation of my downfall again...

What I really think I need is a release. Something that I can do to get rid of stress.

Just now, I have 'distractions'. I play video games. I read a lot etc. But they are all to distract my mind from worry, not release the stress that comes with the worry.

Does that make sense?

It helps to vent, too...

I really do know that this was a simple blip on the radar. I feel OK today. I built the panic attack in my head last night. Almost challenging myself to have one. And it came. And I dealt with it. I think I just wanted to know that I still could cope with it, should it ever strike again.

It's amazing how your mind automatically goes back to your way of thinking when you had that first panic attack. My automatic thoughts were that my heart was going to give up, but then I realised how irrational I was being and just let it lead its course.

Although I am now starting wonder if I would benefit from therapy...

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 187

Hi Darkblue

I can imagine how you must be feeling. That really sucks. Remember you still have the tools that you used to defeat panic in the first place. Months between a PA is amazing and you should be 100% proud of yourself.

I sometimes feel the way you do when I have a PA after say 2 weeks of no PAs. So I know where you are coming from. Stress of all kinds will heighten your anxiety levels but that doesn't mean that you cannot handle work. Don't downplay the fatigue, stress and worry. They will play a big part.

You do deserve to be free from panic! That isn't arrogance. I am sure this will just be a blip in the radar. The fact that you do not fear PAs is what really counts. Your PA lasted only 2 minutes.

I often have PAs while I am trying to sleep. It's quite easy to stress while you are lying there with nothing to preoccupy you esp when you have allot to do the next day. You could call this a reaction to life stressors and not a sort of endogenous PA.

Dark take care. Well done on being at work. I am sure your boss will understand. Keep us posted.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 150

I had a panic attack in bed last night. It was probably about 12am. I was very tired and worried about my first day of full work today.

I had a 'revelation' moment, where I could see everything in my life that was wrong and going downhill fast. I felt as though the floors had opened up and were swallowing me in. I was freefalling into the dark depths of panic. I had all the same feelings and sensations as when I suffered my last attack, some months ago.

I'm sure fatigue, stress and worry had it's part to play. But it doesn't stop me feeling so bitterly disappointed at myself.

I truly thought that I would never have another panic attack. I have done so much to get rid of them. I had the arrogance to assume that I deserved never to have one again.

I missed work this morning because I physically couldn't get out of bed. I slept very little last night.

I just got in touch with my boss to apologies and explain to him what happened and that I'd like to continue part-time work for now restarting tomorrow - but he is well within his rights to fire me.

I thought going back to work was a good, positive step for me. But last night I was very suddenly daunted by the prospect of working 9am - 5pm again. It suddenly seemed like an impossibility that would surely lead to me returning to panic oncemore.

The irony is, the panic attack was horrendous, but I didn't mind. Still after all this time, I'm still not afraid of them. It lasted probably 2 minutes with a racing, pounding heart. My eyes blurred and couldn't focus. And I flooded with fear. But I knew what it was.

I wasn't waiting for a heart attack or an aneurysm. I knew it was a panic attack and I just relaxed myself, rode the wave and came out the other side very soon after.

I just don't want them in my life. But that's unrealistic.

I'm disappointed in myself.

And more than anything else at this point, I'm waiting for my boss to get back to me and really am very worried about what he might say.

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Rough night.