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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Hello all, thank you so much for the kindness. I really really appreciate it and I really mean it. If anything the anxiety brought me good is meeting you all.

I had a refreshing day yesterday. I talked to one of my close friends who lives in the town I'm going to move to. I told her everything and she listened and took it all in for me. I feel really excited now to move down. I've realized that I was such in a different zone when I am going through anxiety. I had my parents with me and I was isolated from the world. Now I feel eager to go back out again and see all the things I can do. I feel like maybe I was just out of place as a wife for living with my parents again and not my husband. I feel like the puzzle pieces are going back together. Things have not patched up with my husband yet, but I am hopeful and feel that he just needs some more time to see if I am really me. And this sort of goes for myself too... I want to see if this is really me. Panic attacks are scary... death is scary but I feel like leaving things undone is scarier and I feel this eagerness to challenge. I know my husband and I are stronger than this... and I will find out soon enough if I made a mistake or not. And then I will learn something from that either way. Life is good.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 778

Oh Miki you really are going through the mill at the mo .

. Birdie and Breanne are making alot of sense i know . I have never gone through what you are so i have no wise words . I so want you to feel happy , you are trying your hardest to make your husband happy . It really should go both ways . I know you said you said some things that you regret ( been there) but we well i have when i feel desperate and scared too . Yes i did regret the things i said and felt awful the usual but he wasnt innocent he said stuff too . We both 'forgave ' each other time and time again . Thats when i was younger . Now i am so much better at biting my tongue and keeping the bad words in !

Here for you as always my friend

Take care CDx

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Miki,

I think that you really need to focus and concentrate on making yourself feel well, and happy. It sounds like you are going through a rough time, both physically and mentally. Have you been taking some time for yourself?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 101

Miki-

Really feeling what you are saying. You remind me so much of my own feelings at one point. It is worth the work, taking good care of yourself, being kind to yourself, giving yourself a break, realizing you are such a valuable person. Find the joy in a moment and don't wait for someone else to bring you joy. Maybe make a list of things that bring you joy and do one of them.

Keep it simple and enjoy your day! Thinking of you!

Birdie

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Birdie, Breanne, Cornish Dee, Diva- Thanks so much for the beautiful words. You guys are the bestest.

I woke up early again... I feel like I'm most happy when I'm asleep. Once I wake up I feel like my insides are burning. I was really dizzy today and yesterday. I feel so numb. But I keep pushing... I get afraid if it is all worth it, but I don't really have anything else to loose. I called an apartment today so we can move, and I had to check my husband's phone for it and came across his phone list of recent calls... it listed his ex girl friend from way back when. That pinched my heart a bit.. but I feel so numb that it's like whatever. And I told him I saw it. He didn't care... we don't really talk much... he's so distant... everything ends up pissing him off. I feel like it's really killing me. I want to work on it.. that is what my heart wants, I want to move down and work things out with him... but the thing that stops me are these nasty physical feelings... I feel so fatigue and exhausted. I feel dizzy and I have migraines and my shoulders are so tense. I feel like vomiting. But I believe that if I do challenge this, I will learn to accept myself and come to terms with myself, whatever the result may be. I feel like I am doing a good job for a person with anxiety and in my situation and I've come a great long deal already... I don't regret a thing I did... small things I wish I new, but the fact is that I didn't until it happened. I did my best, I always did... and I can't hate myself for that. I just want to really make sure if my body can or cannot handle the stress and I think I will find who I really am after I attempt it. Thank you all for reading and being such great support. I couldn't do this without you guys.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello Miki,

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. I think with anxiety it is easy to doubt not only yourself but also everything else! I tend to do that oo and have to work hard to keep that in check. I did want to echo the others in saying that you need to accept yourself the way you are and be with someone who you feel accepts you too. You deserve to be loved just the way you are! You are great.

Anyway, sorry I have no wise words for you. all I can say is you are in my thoughts and please let us know how you are doing.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 778

Here here ! Miki have all my faith in you and here for you as well .

CDxxxxxxxx

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Miki,

You have so much wonderful advice, words of wisdom, and support here for you. I think dazedmom and birdie are right, you need to be accepting of yourself, and be happy with yourself, and you need to keep the faith!

Stay strong, and know that we're always here for you

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 101

Miki- I can really relate to what you are going through. I have been in a similar situation with a husband that did not understand. I agree 100% with Dazedmom!!!! You have to be accepting of yourself , the good and the not so good. He also has his good and not so good and we all have to accept the others. But not devalue yourself. I get that he wants to do all these wonderful things but you have your own wonderful things to do like care for yourself and focus on healing. And that is important too!!!!! There is no easy answer but how ever things work out you will be ok and things can be wonderful for you.

I hope this isn't to forceful but this is a topic I can get very passionate about. I have to go to work now but I hope things get better for you.

Birdie

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Hello all, sorry so many posts, but must vent.

My mom and his mom talked today. His mom told my mom that his aunt had told her about stuff they talked about... and there was a point when I asked him if I can live with him in his town and after talking with me he told his aunts, "Why she even asking!!? We're married." I'm glad that he's said that but also it makes me realize how I didn't have faith in anything. I really hurt him bad. I always was never confident enough in our love and the doubt just keeps making it worse. I really need to have faith in us. Anyways, that's it. Thanks for reading.

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