Ok, last night was a rough one. At least I am pretty sure I know why it happened... See I was having fun with my hubby just chatting and hanging out and I really pushed the enveloppe n my bedtime. Suddenly I just felt really bad, like bed was a must immediatly. I looked at the time and it was past 4 am! I just felt terrible. So I went to bed but by then it was a bit too late and I had the worse panic attack I have had since last JAnuary... I took some time in the bed to let it pass but it just wasnèt and I felt like it was getting worse. In my head i did a lot of thought challenging so that my head would stay as calm as possible while my body freaked out on me. But eventually it just felt like too much so instead of letting it get out of hand and ending up in the emergency room, I put in motion old mechanisms I felt would work to control the situation. First, I got dressed, It seems I feel more confident with a full set of clothes on, then I went and made up the couch to sleep on (it seems, I feel more secure on the couch , who knows why)and I told my husband what was going on. He was very nice and supportive about it. So I went to lie down on the couch. I also, ended up taking another clonazepam. I usually take .5 a day but I have the right to take 1 mg so I did. That made me feel a bit sad tho, I kind of wanted to take care of this on my own, but after a while I just wanted it to go away fast!
I am really trying hard to see the positive in this and not se it as a set back. What makes me feel like it was a setback is that i did not stay in bed and might have undone some of the work I had done to feel safe in bed....Also, I ended up sleeping away from my hubby again. I decided to get back to my feeling safe in bed exposure work today so there is as little damage done as possible... Another thing that feels like a setback is that I took and extra pill. I was doing really well at tapering off my meds and taking only .5 mg. That really makes it hard for me to feel ok about last night.
On the other hand, some things make me feel like this is nt a setback. 1- I did not end up in the emergency room. 2- I did not have to ask muy hubby for "hand holding" or call my mom so she help me calm down. I took care of myself on my own. I didnèt even call the local helpline like I would have before. I really did it on my own and ended up falling alseep on the couch then transfering to the futon.3- I am the one who figured out what I needed to do to feel more safe and thus be able to relax. 4- I waited a good hour before taking the extra pill, I actually took the time to way my decision but decided that the extra pill would allow me to sleep which is what i needed.
So all in all, it was ok, I took care of myself and managed to go to sleep. Having to take an extra pil and changing locations irk me tho and makes me feel like i could have done better. But all in all, I think I did well.
Thanks for letting me talk all this through and vent. You all have a nice day!
-Diva
