Some one I knew very well just died and it has set my dragons loose. They are flying around pointing out my own mortality. I will cage them up again in a bit but first I want to look at it and show myself it has no relevance so that when I cage them they stay caged till the next time some one close dies. This is a normal feeling for some one my age, it will go. At least there is no panic. This works because I know it works. I know it works because my therapist pounded it into my head that it works and I believed her because she would not lie to me. Yes it works. I am proof of that. And it works because I believe it works. "I truly believe"
I had tried to forgive people before who had hurt me but it never stuck. it found its way to me, or i cleared the path for it to come is truly how it felt, even if that sounds spacey or ethereal. it wasnt'. it did have to have a cleared path and it did show up. so i wanted to put that out there again because i know a lot of us struggle with forgiveness.
i agree with you the forum has been wonderful. the program is good. i think i had a workbook that covered the same territory before. but i didn't hear anyone say "this will work". seeing that said over and over here is what i think did it for me so far. i brought some faith and again, cleared a path so i could see if they were right. and they are. the way i think is slowly transforming. hooray.
A few years back, I read somewhere to be the change that you want to see. One thing that bothered me was that my mother never hugged me, never was demonstrative with her love, no touching, no hand holding. So, every time I saw her, I hugged her. At first she hugged a little but pushed me away. It felt like rejection. However, I kept doing it and after a couple of years, she liked it. Same thing with flowers. I love flowers but my husband at the time never sent me flowers. So, I sent him a rose at his office, for no reason, no special occasion. I did this about three times. He got kidded by his colleagues, they wondered what he had done to deserve those roses. Later on, for a birthday gift, he made sure that the local flower shop sent me a bouquet once a month! No kidding.
So happy for you that the program is working for you! I have read some of your posts and noticed how the people and the program is having a positive effect on you, great work. I too found relief in a very short period of time. For me by far it is the people of the community who have lifted my hope the most. I am not knocking the program, it is great but takes time whereas the forums give you an immediate lift. The positive energy and soothing words of others is amazing! Its great to share and help each other. Good for the soul!
Thank you for empathising. I see you too had it rough through childhood like many of us, but I'm glad you have found space for forgiveness and moved on, well done. I know it could not have been easy. I too have moved on but there is still something that niggles at me now and again, but I am confident that I may find a solution given time.
Hi Cleo,
Thank you for your kind words, means so much.
I definitely understand how it changes your attitude towards your own family. I too have the mindset of being better than my folks and never to let my family come to harm. I suppose out of a really bad situation we learned a lot of negative thought processes but the silver lining is the positive ones that we learned indirectly.
So glad that the program is working for you Cleo and yes we are here for each other, I love this site!
I am sorry that you had such a miserable childhood, and am very impresed of how well you are doing now! You have your own family, and you see how wrong your parents were, so you're not going to repeat that cycle! wow! that's great!
I had too had a very volitile neglectful childhood , not as physically abusive as yours but still not safe. I vowed that I would be better , guarantee my kids a safe loving home and I am doing just that. And since that was my main focus for the last 20 odd years ...my youngest is 18...I'm in a role-transition, I think my anxiety stemmed from my younger years too... I have almost forgiven my parents...my father died young, I only speak a few times a years on the phone with my mother...maybe thats avoidance...but it works for me! The emotion I generally feel towards her is pity. She is a lonely, bitter old lady now, and I vow ....again! not ever to be like that! Her guilt trips no longer have any effect on me..that's her baggage.
I've been doing this program since April...it has done wonders for my panic..and it can help you too! you are not alone, we are all here together.
We havn't met much here yet - I am new to the group and in week 1 of the program which is helping immensly already in terms of my day to day.
I read your post about your childhood and I wanted to also say that I'm sorry you had to go through that. I really am. No one should experience so much fear as a child.
It is hard to understand why anyone mistreats anyone else. Two years after coming to the realisation that I was no longer a child and didn't have to put up with being neglected anymore, some empathy for some of these people who had hurt me came over me. I mention the time frame because throughout the 2 years, I really wanted to forgive them but couldn't. Gradually, I managed to actually think about life from their perspective when I was young. What they were struggling with. how alone they probably felt. And I find this hard to write because this is no way indicates that i think what they did was right. not at all. I do not use their behaviour to model my life after which means I have to unlearn lots and learn lots as an adult i should have learned as a child. They didn't address their dragons and passed them on to me. but somehow, i found my way to a bit of empathy and it has grown and has slowly been taking over the anger i have / had towards them.
I do not know exactly how that empathy finnally found its way to my head and heart but it did. There was nothing different or special i did the first day I felt true empathy for them. I think i was brushing my teeth actually when i first felt it for real. It had just sort of gradually crept up. Maybe it was partly because I was able to compare the resources i have at my age to what htey had (so much less) at the same age. but I don't know. All i wanted to say is that even just saying that what they did was wrong took me over 20 years to do. And that probably was part of the process of letting go of it. But it is definitely not something easy to do and not something i want ot make light of. that forgiveness is a process over time. thats all i know for sure about it.
Peace4all: No one has a perfect life path anyway. Some worse than others. Sounds like you are on a wonderful, loving path right now. Go easy on yourself, go at it at your own pace. Only you know when you will need to push it or take it easy. This program will help you get there and the group, of course. We love you too.
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