I need to vent. It's been a while since I posted.
Lately I have been having good weeks, bad weeks, good days, bad days and sometimes a mix of both.
Where I was having obsessive thoughts before about dying/mortality, now I seem to have obsessive thoughts about having panic attacks and getting ro feeling worse.
My mother (Dad's second wife) was in the hospital recently for high blood pressure, and it really scared me. I started having a panic attack when I got off the phone with my Dad.
I've had several anxiety moments since then becuse my father started taking it out on me and that I did not do enough to help. This caused me a lot of grief, and my wife and I felt it was unfair.
Then I'd have to go to work with these thoughts in my head.
The result of all this is that I started to dissociate quite a bit at work and even some at home.
Then we went to visit my parents for the first time in several weeks. It's about an hours drive and when we turned the corner to their street, I had an anxiety attack. I felt like I was closed in and it scared me as I was doing ok before that. My wife made me take some deep breaths before we went inside.
But then I do now remember during the dissociation at work that I panicked when I was working and I had to date a paper I was working on, that I forgot what the date was and I had a small panic attack over that. I also have depersonalization at work, which is really a form of dissociation.
This was all last week and I am now feeling the after effects of the several panic and anxiety attacks. It can and does drive you into a series of depressive thoughts, moods and very scary moments.
I take diazepam during the day if I am having an anxious day. I am also on triavil.
We had to go to a party last night an hour a way and we had to use the interstate, so I took 1 diazepam. It did the trick. On the drive home I did not take anything.
Anyway, without rambling on anymore, I want to thank everyone who read this and may have some suggestions.
I am going to keep fighting this until I feel like myself again. I may need to change my job as it is a very hard job and I feel kind of closed in there.
Thanks,
David