Hi everyone,
It has been a while since I've posted. I really need to vent right now and am willing to take whatever advice I can get, so if you can get through this with me, bless your heart!
My anxiety has been mostly under control for the past month or so, with the occasional attacks every now and then that can be helped with diazepam. I also take Lexapro daily, and when I was off of it for a month, I went through HELL. So, I started it up again and things were going great.
The other day, I had what the doctors say was an "ocular migraine." I had blind spots everywhere, nausea, headache, the works. I had one back in January but it was late at night so I just layed down and it went away in about an hour. This time, I went to the eye doctor and he put me in a panic, saying I needed to go see a specialist, blah blah blah. I don't have insurance, so I didn't go. I went to my PCP and she said it was an ocular migraine once again. Not to worry. However, ever since then, I'm waiting for it to happen again. I'm making myself sick. I'm always like this...my father tells me every day "SOMETHING IS ALWAYS WRONG WITH YOU!!!" And I know that because I'm always complaining about something.
I truly cannot deal with it anymore. It's like, every day I'm so in tuned to my body that I noticed the tiniest flinch or pain or sting and I go crazy over it. I constantly wonder what it was like to not pay attention to the small things, and I know I used to be able to blow things off because anxiety has only been controlling my life for the past year. But I feel like I haven't even been alive. I wake up every day now and I just wait to feel dizzy or a head rush or blurry vision or a pain somewhere. I know it will come and it always does. I get to the point where I break down in tears and pray to God to help me get through this. Even as I sit here now, I am trying not to focus on how I'm feeling. I'm convinced there is some deep-seated problem that no one is figuring out. I'm so afraid that one day I'm going to have a seizure or not be able to breathe or pass out. I just cannot live this way. I'm feeling so suicidal but then I think of how horrible that would be too. I could never leave my family or my friends. I'm only 20 but I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm screaming and t