I'm 29 years old and have been drinking heavily - daily or almost daily - all my adult life. My drinking has cost me job opportunities, caused me to gain around 50 lbs, exacerbated my insomnia and mental illnesses (depression & anxiety) and strained my relationship with my partner. I'm doing fairly well at my job but I know that I'm not realizing my full potential, and there's so much else I want to do (research, writing, art projects) that I just don't have the energy for because I'm always tired or hung over. Anytime I go a day without drinking it feels like an accomplishment - even though I usually do it by smoking marijuana, so I rarely spend a night fully sober.
The trouble is, I really enjoy drinking. I love the taste of beer (hence the weight gain), I love the feeling of being drunk and finally able to relax. It's the only time I don't feel anxious. I can finally let go of all my little obsessions and focus on enjoying what I'm doing - whether it's socializing, playing video games, reading, etc. I worry that alcohol has rewired my dopamine receptors and that I can't actually enjoy anything without drinking - but the fact is that before I started drinking, I was always unhappy. I've been on antidepressants since I was 20 and they help, but I worry they've somehow made my alcohol dependence worse.
Now that I'm leaving my 20s behind I want to leave those bad habits behind, but I don't know where to start. I don't want to go cold turkey; I want to be able to continue enjoying wine and beer (I don't drink hard liquor) occasionally, and to still drink a bit with friends on weekends. I'm just tired of being dependent on alcohol. I want to find out what kind of person I am without it.
