Hoosiermom74,

I am sorry to hear what you have been going through. This sounds very stressful and upsetting. How have you talked to him about this? What are your boundaries in this situation? To me, a line needs to be drawn if he ever is verbally abusive to you in front of the kids or if he is verbally abusive to the kids. It sounds like this has not yet impacted the kids which is very good to hear. What happens if it starts impacting the kids?

As you have said you cannot make him change but you can set clear boundaries. In fact, when kids are involved you must. How can you set those boundaries? What is he willing to commit to and how does he plan to meet that commitment?

I wish you all the best. Please do not allow him to take your power when he is drinking. He is very lucky to have you don't you forget that. Not engaging with him well he is acting like that is a good strategy. Address these concerns when he is sober? Make a plan with him on what he is going to do to prevent this and if it happens again what can you both agree on to do to deescalate the situation? 

 

 

Dear Hoosiermom,

When I first got married, my husband blew up at me and threw a sunscreen bottle at me.  I ducked, and it exploded against the wall.  We call it "the sunscreen incident"  That was 11 years ago.  I told him that I refused to be with a man who would treat me that way, and that we needed to come up with a plan.  We read a book together about how to have differences in a marriage.  He has only been mean like that 2 other times in the past 11 years.  The book said that it doesn't matter that you argue with your spouse, but it matters HOW you argue.  Having a difference of opinion is fine, but making it personal like "you're stupid, you're an idiot" etc. leads to divorce 99% of the time.  You can explain to your husband that the likelihood you will stay married is so poor if he continues to disrespect you.  That is just a plain fact.  People just don't stay together when there is verbal abuse and personal attacks during disagreements.  Secondly, I explained to my husband that verbal abuse simply was a deal breaker for me, and that I wouldn't put up with it.  His response, of course was "well, when I get mad, it just happens, and you have to just deal with it."  To which I explained to him that he must not understand what a deal breaker is.  I asked him would it be OK if he came home and found me having sex with a stranger?  What if I just said, "Well, honey, when I get horny, I just have to have sex, so this happens, and you just have to deal with it."  My having sex outside of our marriage is a deal breaker for him, so he won't tolerate it.  The same is true for me, only it's with verbal abuse.  If you verbally abuse me, I'm not going to stick around.  You need to decide what is best for you.  A good friend once told me "You have more power in your relationship that you realize."  I'm telling you that right now.  If you do nothing, then nothing will change.  Maybe your husband won't stop drinking, but regardless, he must stop treating you poorly.  No one deserves to be belittled, yelled at, and made to feel terrible.  That is not what love is.  I'll be praying for you that you find your way through this.  Counseling helped us immensely, but each one needs to want it.  If your husband really loves you, he will change.

    The fellowship of Al-anon was created to help the family and friends of alcoholics. Google it and see if there are meetings around where you live. You will get experience strength and support from other people who are dealing with alcoholism and drug addiction.

If you husband is willing, you may take him to a "open discussion" meeting of AA. All are welcome. See if your husband can relate to what people share. In the mean time, you can educate yourself about alcoholism by reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous its on the site free. 

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous

Unfortunately all we can do is this much, the desire to get sober must come from within each individual. I am grateful that I had that desire 10 years ago. I have been sober 10+ using the 12 steps of AA. Any questions post here. I will be glad to help.

a tried to deescalte the situation, I was still in shock about how rediculous it was. He stormed off, went to bed and I got my pillows to sleep on the couch. He came out again and started arguing, normally in these situations I have always been hurt and cried and begged for him to love me and felt sick about iteven when it wasn't my fault. He can go to bed ( in still on the sofa) and wake up and it will be my fault. He can leave me all day at work when has done these things and expect me to forget and move on. Tonight I didn't chase after him, I just couldn't. If I say anything when he's had enough to drink he tells me to leave him alone. Tonight was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. When he starts drinking , it seems he can't stop. I've seen him drunk around his kids and is still the same nice dad, with me he just lashes out . I don't know what to do anymore, he says he loves me and says he doesn't get how I don't know.But when he gets drunk and acts like an idiot over something that was so no big deal, my security in myself is quickly being pecked away. Please help. I know I can't change him, he has to want to stop, he's said he realizes he has a problem but won't do anything. How can something so ridiculous out of the blue infuriate him. He does this all the time with the kids ( giving the kids hard time in a playful way and vice versa) and it's never been an issue. We weren't even talking about my son, out of all of my kids he gets along with my youngest the best. It sounds crazy, and in the end I'd usually apologize because I'm so afraid of losing him, and my self esteem is shot. I'm starting to feel numb inside. I love my husband very much, but how do I deal with him when he desires to get drunk and is mean . If you've read this far, I appreciate it. Just writing it out is therapeutic in a way.