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The Pressure of the Battle

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

Hi freebee,

I'll only offer you a comment on one point since I'm still sorting myself out...

Opening up to your spouse is indeed a difficult step, but probably a very good one. It doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be, I think) our spouses' battles to fight. I recently told my wife I do a poor job at moderating and need to put drinking behind me. (Heck, before I've even had that first drink I've usually already decided I don't want to moderate...) Although she wasn't convinced I really have a problem, I've found that just her being aware that I feel I do and want to do something about it helps keep me on track. Just our spouses knowing and understanding is huge. I find I'm less likely to succumb to a temptation now knowing she's aware I'm trying to stay away from it.

Hiding our drinking was bad enough; feeling now like we have to abstain in secret is enough to drive us nuts!

Good luck to us both.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

freebee,

thats what alcoholics anonymous calls it 'craving'. Once we put alcohol in our body some of us, cannot control the amount we consume. But thats just the physical part of the condition.

some may not be able to stay stopped.

try the year challenge. see if you can stay stopped for a year. also, see how you feel. are you at ease without alcohol or are you drifting into depression, seclusion are you getting anxious????

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

Freebee,

While last night's memories are still fresh in your mind, perhaps you can decide to give sobriety a try. They say that it takes at least 90 days for your brain to reset itself. Set a goal and go for it. Perhaps at the end of that, you can decide what you want to do then. I found that there was never a convenient time to stop; there was always be a celebration or social event ahead. But, I found that once I committed to a change, and started to build sober days and overcome social challenges, my motivation and confidence built and strengthened.

It is possible to quit. If I can do it, so can you. And I was surprised to find that my fear of living life without alcohol, what had kept me from quitting for so long, was a skewed perspective. Alcohol was what had kept me in fear, shame and sadness.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 13

I got drunk last night, I was planning to drink but of course once I start I can't stop. I think moderation is going to be difficult for me. I think I need to start with the long period of Sobriety. I made such an ass of myself. I know I pissed off my husband. He came upstairs though and we talked it out and he said we were OK. I even showed him this site. It's so much harder to awknowledge to him than to strangers. I'm just so ashamed. He deserves so much more than I can give him and what I HAVE been giving him is my selfish bull****. Ugh I've said this ends today before, but it really has to. I don't know how to fix this and I don't want it to be his problem.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 113

I'm sorry SPMW, I don't have the link for the podcast, but here is a link to a website I found it through.

http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com/

She has a lot of podcasts for sale, and I didn't pay for anything, but stumbled on a podcast done by someone she helped get sober. She was a guest speaker on his site, I don't remember the name.

Try that link, though, there is a lot of good reading in the popular articles like being sober is like driving a little car and such.

Hope it helps!

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

Flipflopmom, that podcast sounds interesting... do you have a link to it or the name of it?

I hear you that sometimes it is easier (or harder) than others. This past weekend I was at a large annual gathering that I have always looked forward to each year, for the people, the food and of course the drinks. This event has always been a glorious opportunity to drink. While I did not commit to skipping the alcohol altogether this time I ended up doing just that. This is a mingling type of event with interesting people of all generations to interact with, from one end of the drinking scale to the other. I just decided on the spot that I didn't need alcohol to enjoy it. I was driving anyhow (by choice) and figured it would be better/easier to abstain than to consume in moderation. I know there will be other social situations in which it won't be so easy, and that I won't make it to that "don't care for it" place overnight...

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 113

I would like to add SPMW that if you want to quit alcohol there is a way for you to do that. I was listening to a podcast the other day about recovery and it was so great... about the subject of choosing the path to abstinence, or moderation, or whatever works for an individual.

Sometimes we just have to try many different things to find out what works best for us. Some people can find a way to moderate, others like me, cannot and just choose to quit. AA works for Foxman, but I didn't try it. I think as you work on yourself, you'll find tools that help you find your "sweet spot" so to speak, and you will find resolve.

I can honestly say that I usually don't care for alcohol anymore, just like you said you ultimately want for yourself. The other evening my friend sat right in front of me and drank 3 glasses of wine. I was totally uninterested, as if she were smoking cigarettes, like you mentioned. I think I felt this way because I've been sober for a few months. Alcohol no longer has the hold on me that it used to.

Now other times I look at alcohol and my mouth waters! Shoot, I'm still flawed, but that's ok! I just wanted to support you in your trying different avenues in order to find your path.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

I think its all in our head. We are the ones who worry about what others are going to think of us when we stop drinking. Hey if I can't eat shell fish, we don't eat shell fish right? Is there any anybody who is going to question you?

I know drinkers are different. They want everybody to be drinking. But as my confidence grew, I opening admit to people I can't drink safely anymore. Of course strangers if I run into, I just tell them I will stick with water or soft drinks. I don't have to go into detail. The closest families all know I am an alcoholic in recovery. When I am there, people are behaving, they act as though they are in control. Today is Friday, I know this friend will call me and say today is his drinking day. I would just say enjoy. But now becoming a partner of an accounting firm he is meeting with other business partners during week days and drinking has spread to other days too. Time will tell. If he blossoms into an alcoholic or not. He maintains he drinks just a couple. Occasionally he would call and say he went a little over and is nursing a hangover.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

To conclude my post below (since this forum's software is still giving me grief it seems...):

It’s not about achieving ‘managed drinking’. I am not trying to get to the point of feeling I can drink 5 times a week, no more than 3 per day, as per somebody's guidelines... I am trying to get to the point where I basically leave it be altogether without even thinking about it - because I don't want it anymore - but without the constraints of feeling I am doomed to start drinking again if I touch a drop. I know people who as a rule do not drink at all in their daily lives, but will have one or two (max) on special occasions where custom calls for it (a wedding, a retirement party, or a special evening with their significant other two or three times a year.) To me that's the best of both worlds, and is where I would like to go. Not being a drinker without drawing awkward attention for 'having a problem'. Like it or not, being seen as a problem drinker who must “recoil from it as if from a hot flame” does draw negative and judgmental vibes from those around us, that's just the world we live in... or at least it’s the one I live in. Those vibes may range from boisterous rebuffs from drinking buddies all the way down to whispers behind the back from family, relatives and colleagues, but they are definitely there. I know from being there when the abstainers are out of earshot. Now, the boisterous drinking buddies do not merit delicate handling – if they make themselves a problem they need to be cut out, period. It’s all the others whose worlds I do not suddenly want to become an awkward presence in. I could see a hidden fear in my wife’s reaction… her words said “you? no, you don’t drink too much, at least not when I’m around…” but her eyes said “oh, no! please don’t put us in that boat!”

Now, if the whispering behind MY back was “Umm, no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong… I saw him have a glass of wine at Christmas, he must just not want to drink today...” I’d be ok with that.

Am I really being delusional here? (PS: I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone in the above; as said before everyone is different, and one person’s approach need not be another’s).

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

"The way I look at it now is like this: Drinking isnt good for me, it does nothing positive for me, so why bother? If I look at it that way, its not stressful. Its actually relief. Relief in that I dont have to worry about it anymore.

I guess my comment is tied directly to the title of your posting, The Pressure of the Battle. By loking at it the way Im looking at it, the pressure goes away. I dont feel the pressure of managing my drinking anymore. "

Gus, thanks so much for your reply. It does make perfect sense.

And I think the above is what I'm talking about, sort of…. That is where I am trying to go with this, to change the way I think about alcohol. To become a non-drinker without living in fear of drinking. The "re-coiling from it as from a hot flame" thing doesn't sit so well with me; that's not the way I want to move through life. I'd rather see it in the same vein as my cigarette analogy... I could have one anytime and I'm not afraid to, but why bother - it doesn't give me anything I want, and it would give things I don't want.

I guess the way of getter there is the topic of discussion. For many stopping cold seems to have been the only way to go. I don't know if it's a question of weak willpower or the fact that I've been a drinker for so long (or one being the result of the other perhaps) but I have never succeeded at going a whole month without alcohol, though I have tried several times. Looking back at those occasions though I note 2 things in common each time:

1. It was a tough slog, a battle to abstain from something I wanted; whatever time I did stay dry was spent knowing I was really looking forward to drinking again. Every day I was playing mind games with myself and using tricks and strategies to get myself through the hours without drinking. It was no fun and sooner or later the tricks and strategies ran their course.

2. When I did let myself drink again it was a capitulation... "good, now that we have officially failed at that, as we knew we eventually would, let's get back to enjoying our drinks, shall we?" Then it would be back to daily drinking again in the same old, often excessive pattern.

Among the insight and experiences I've read from others on this site, "don't beat yourself up if you slip, just get back on the wagon again without delay" has been tremendously helpful to me. I have been practising that more and more in the few months since joining here. Overall I am spending a lot less time with alcohol in my system, and I feel I am starting to see a real change in the extent to which I desire alcohol. The last few times I had a scotch or martini I did not get any enjoyment out of it and didn't bother having a second one. Even beer and wine are starting to taste like foreign and unwelcome substances, and my cravings for them are becoming fewer. Part of that might be psychological as I've become more sensitized to just how bad this stuff is for me and the need to put it behind me. Regardless, I see it as a good sign.

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The Pressure of the Battle