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8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 113

Hello all!

I wanted to update you all, that I have had nothing all week to drink, but this is the easy time for me. I'm so busy M-F and don't have many social interactions that tempt me to drink. The real test will come at the next social function, BBQ, something like that, where everyone is drinking and I have to say no. In the past this was hard for me. I HATE the attention I get when people realize I'm not drinking alcohol. There are the questions, the asking why???? Ugh. I'm not looking forward to that. It reminds me when people used to ask me why I only have one child, and when will I give my child a sibling? You see, I cannot have more children and it was so hard for me. I don't understand why people need to pry with such personal questions like this.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

The book has lot of good information about how the mind of the problem drinker operates. The peculiar mental twist around the first drink prevents the normal functioning of our will power. Left on our own resources, the mind tricks us into taking that first drink and then off to the races. Thats why many people are baffled why they fail so many times to keep away from alcohol. They do alright first 10, 30, 60, 90 days but some of us succumb to that insidious thought that we could handle alcohol safely this time. Look back into your own history see if you can relate to it.

I put the plug in the Jug alright, but I kept opening a different Jug every time I couldn't face life.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi Flipflopmom,

I tried to explain to my wife about the mindset I have of drinking and I got a lot of reasons and suggestions why I can only have a couple of drinks however it was like I was speaking in another language when I tried to tell her it doesn't work that way. I don't think anyone without this type of mindset will understand it. And, yes, I have one of those too....judgemental. I wouldn't see it as "broken", more so that they want a drinking partner and prefer to safe the buzz. Like yourself, I work out and eat well and stay healthy. I enjoy the adrenaline and endorphin rush from my activities. This, I've realized, actually works against me in 2 ways: 1) when the weather gets bad ad I don't get to do these activities for extended periods of time (motorcycles in particular) getting drunk provides the same effect because drinking actually stimulates the endorphin response and I like A LOT of endorphins! 2) When I DO get to do these activities, as I discovered yesterday, I'm craving a beer because, well, that mindset tells me "more is better! keep going!" It was quite a revelation when I was craving the beer afterwards. Now I know this and I can plan for these things. What I have found though is life is so much better NOT drinking and many new things open up. Continuing to drink anchor's me in place and keeps me bound to the same old things, which is not where I want to be or live my life. Also, there are many other things, negative self-talk, missing or undeveloped skills to name a couple, that perpetuate the mindset to make you want to drink. Assertiveness comes to mind. Some of mine stem from growing up in an alcoholic family, though many other family dynamics will plant the seeds to grow this problem later in life. All you need to do is water them with the standard stresses of raising kids, careers, or other trauma's and the problem shall take root and grow. And we often gravitate to someone we unconsciously know will continue to maintain these things. The brain is quite an amazing thing.

All the best,

Dave848

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 113

Hello Dave,

Thank you for sharing your experience. As I read your words, I was saying, "Yes, Yes Yes!" We have parallel lives with our spouses when it comes to drinking. I also think that although I love my husband very much, and we are best friends, he tends to be narrow minded about certain things. He doesn't understand what goes on inside my head when a drink is put in my hand. I don't ever want to drink to be social. I don't ever want to just have one or two, and the only reason I would ever bother with alcohol is to get buzzed or drunk. I exercise all the time, watch my figure, and eat very strictly so that I have a healthy, attractive body. Drinking is so counter-productive to these choices, but I still binge drink at times just to numb myself. Years ago I wanted to go back on anxiety medicine and my husband said he didn't think I needed it, and that it was "a crutch." I believe he sees these things as "problems with me" and doesn't want to feel he chose a "broken woman" of sorts as his wife. My husband is quite judgmental and has an ego a big too big at times, so this is my assumption based off of his judging ways.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi Flipflopmom,

I have a similar challenge with my spouse, with the "Have just one....". My challenge is I don't want to have just one. I like to have many. Unfortunately when I do it cascades into the next week, month, etc until I get to the point where I say "enough!" and go through the withdrawal, hangover, etc. I can go out with friends and family and have one but it seems to plant a seed and eventually I'll go on a tear, which never lasts a day. I'm best not drinking at all and to be honest it really only creates\ adds to the problems in my life. Frankly I don't think moderation or having just a few is in my future because I actually enjoy really tying one on. The net effect of those lapses are that all of the things I enjoy take a back seat or are delayed or disregarded completely for a period of time because I have to recover. If I don't drink I'm motivated and focused. When I do drink I'm focused, only in the opposite direction on drinking. I told my wife I quit and don't ask me to drink. Period. Thus she has to drink alone and I don't find drunk people particularly interesting.

Dave848

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 113

Thank you foxman for the reply. I read many excerpts from the AA book you recommended over the weekend. I got a lot of insight from that, so thank you. I do realize I'm powerless when it comes to alcohol. My husband sees no problem because I only drink about once a week, if that, and sometimes go weeks without drinking at all. He doesn't understand what alcohol does to my mind, and the sick way I think about it. I have sat him down more than once and tried to explain, but he is in denial, and just says I need to "just have one drink and be done." I think he likes when I drink, because I'm more relaxed and fun. I've given much thought about how I've improved my drinking over the last year, and I'm working on identifying my triggers. I've learned what the "pink cloud" is and have definitely experienced that! I believe one of my triggers is dealing with social situations. I have social anxiety, and drinking really helps me with it. I'm going to work on finding new ways to deal with my anxiety, and have some good ideas already. I'm looking forward to checking in with my successes, and finding strength from you all in times of weakness. Thank you, again, for being there for me.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

My husband still sees no problem with my drinking, but I REALLY want to quit altogether.

In my case my wife did see a problem and we went for counselling and the counselor certified me as a border line alcoholic based on all the lies. I would take almost one more year for me to realize I do have a problem and then I was able to launch a great recovery. Back in 90s I switched from hard liquor to beer and after the marriage even reduced to Friday only thing. But slowly slowly the sick mind started creeping back beer here and there. And eventually went back to daily drinking and end of the drinking career, I would be at the package store at 10am. My wife would come back home with that hopeless look in her eyes.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 113

I posted this last year, and didn't think I had any responses until right now. I'm sorry I didn't ever come back to this discussion sooner. I still need help, and now realizing I have support here, I'm planning to stay in these forums. I think it will help me with quitting. In the last year, I've done better, but just recently, fell back to my old ways. I absolutely hate the feeling of failure that comes with drinking too much. My husband still sees no problem with my drinking, but I REALLY want to quit altogether. I just know in my heart drinking is bad for me. Thank you for all your kind words and support. I'd like to check in and report honestly how I'm doing. I really need accountability at this point!!

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 315

I know I am like a man who has lost his legs, they will never grow back. I have lost control of drinking and I will never grow new control. I have seen in my short sobriety so many go back to see what drinking is like, see if they have grown control and just like the man with no legs there is no new found control. Some take longer to go right back to all out drinking some start of right where they left off. All end up finding a new rock bottom.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 421

Yes we are here. And just know that everyone has had a slip. BUT---a slip and relapse is part of it. If you can learn from it and know yourself better then it's actually a success. And it doesn't erase any of your success. Once I stopped thinking like I was a failure and thought of this as a continued process/battle then it was really freeing.

It isn't "not being able to do what you wanted" reframe it as your choice. You are choosing to not drink. Just like you have chosen to try moderation. You feel that your out of control---then you need to check yourself. Take another break but, if moderation is your ultimate goal then you will try again.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself room to grow. You have choices. It's not black or white. It's differnt for everyone. Hang in there!!

We are here and no one will judge you ever. So, don't judge yourself or be too hard on yourself. I have logged a lot of hour's beating myself up for my past and being scared of what I was capible of. What I've learned is that we need to let it go and forgive ourself just like we'd forgive anyone we love. The reprogramming of your brain is so important.

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