Hi Sarah,
I hear what you are saying....so you tried to reintroduce it and you have found that it's not working for you. You went 5 months before and then Alcohol call you back in for another round. But, that 5 months is not lost. And you said you slowly started re-introducing it into yourlife....so there is more time. Be proud that you can do that. So, you dust off and start where you left off. You aren't starting over, you have not had a failure!! I'd say it's a win because you have enough self motivation and insite to see that you aren't finished reprogramming yourself yet. I had to fall many times before I felt strong enough to say this is BS! We all have had times where we needed to take a step back and look at where things are going and adjust out track. That's what you are doing---bravo!! That's great! You're doing some self inventory and realizing that you need to take another break from booze. Step away from it. Take a break and then you'll be fully able to focus on yourself and what is driving you to slip back in. No one will ever, ever judge you here. We are all the same just in different stages of life. You are amonth friends. :-)
Recently I had a realization---I'd been crusing along and pretty much doing total abstinence. I would have a glass of wine with dinner every so often at dinner if my husband was there as my guardian angle. Split a bottle on my birthday. Maybe in the last 4 months 10-12 drinks total. Felt pretty good about that. It's been almost a year since I joined this site and have I had relapse times...yep 3 or 4 but, what a difference in life. I would beat myself up so badly after one and then one day TS on here made me realize---that if you have a "bad day" so to speak that doesn't take away all the months, day's, hours, weeks (whatever it is) of soberiety and moderation. It doesn't take away all the time being AF and it's a learning curve. You still have that time logged in. You are still on that road to getting you life where you want it!!
Ok so here's my story---This Friday night after a week from hell---I mean serious hell--I told him I wanted to drink...i mean drink! But, I have no tolerance now so 3 glasses of wine and 2 beers later I am hung over the next day (kind of--but I'm so not used to feeling bad that anything is a hang over these days!). And felt like crap all day. I don't feel like I failed. I didn't hide it, I didn't pass out, I did it over like 4 hours but, I just don't drink much at all now so I can't drink and thank GOD it gave me a hang over because it reminded me (and unfortunatly my DH) of everything I feel like I've left behind. And how bad it got during my depression...That alcohol almost killed me. I have done some serious self talk here. You know it took a long time for me to realize what i typed in the previous paragraph. SO----Sarah and Volare---be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for the great progress you've made. It's wonderful to live our lives without booze running the show because that's like no good for anyone. And booze will be your best friend and then turn on you in an instant. If you are going to moderate you just have to know going in that booze will turn on you. And if it turns on you----you gotta take a step back and hop back up on the horse.
Just my opinion and what's helped to turn my life completely around. Hope it helps---sorry for rambling...
