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Do I deserve to be mad? No.

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Do I deserve to be mad? No.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11213

Hi Nodrama,

It sounds like your drinking or not drinking is a sensitive issue for both of you. It sounds like he might get a bit "triggered" or overly worried when he feels you are irritable or distant or any other mood he associates with you slipping. Then it sounds like you get triggered when he doubts you. Neither of you are wrong for feeling the way you feel. Sometimes when we are triggered emotionally we lash out. Perhaps he was lashing out a bit when he mentioned you drinking in front of your son. I can completely understand why that would be hurtful to you. It may be important to set a boundary there - no more talking of drinking in front of your son. What do you think?

It also sounds like you two are good at communicating. This is so important! Use this skill as much as possible. He clearly has asked for what he wants from you, reassurance without defensiveness. How would you be able to give that to him? What do you need from him? What about his doubt triggers you so much? How can he express his worry without triggering you? Figuring these tender spots out together will likely be a big part of the healing process for both of you.

Keep us updated on how it goes!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 315

Read the big book of AA and have him read the chapter "to the wives" and "too the family". He will read that his naging is his way of controlling you. Truest me I know oh so well recovering alcoholics DO NOT like to be controlled. Fact is you have to want this for yourself.

My ex wife had a court order that I signed that I can't drink at all when the kids are in my care. I didn't want to drink but knowing this rule was placed on me made me think "screw her I can do what I want". I calmed down and stayed sober but still it pissed me off. How dare her, I thought. No one likes to admit they are different from another specially when a loved one tries to point out our short comings. His love makes him think her can change you. Fact is it is only you that can decided.

The big book will shed light on may topics.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 94

You handled that well, ND... even more proof that you are successful at what you've set out to do.

You've got a strong core, lady!

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 421

Hi there! Thanks Kez and TS. Yes, he takes my anger as a sign that I'm ready to "break". Then he continues pushing to see what will happen and test me. I did say to him that i thought it was not appropriate to do that. I told him privately that it was like he was picking a scab (sorry that's a gross analogy, I know). I said it was not something my kids needed to think about any longer and that it had been so long since they'd had to deal with it that my past bad behavior wasn't in their face anymore so to speak. With that said, he didn't need to bring it up around them. That if he had a concern he should talk to me---1 on 1. He agreed and yesterday said he was sorry. I told him that I had not interest in getting stupid drunk, that it wasn't on my radar, that I wanted to continue to be a teammate with him and that hangovers suck! I think he needed reassurance from me---maybe he didn't know how to ask for it so he just threw me under the bus infront of my son to make sure I stayed doing what he wanted me to do.....I don't know. But, yes I got mad. And I was mad all day! :-) But, I feel better about it after typing it out here and from reading your responses. And yes being defensive fuels tension and that nobody needs. Its more in prospective for both myself and him now.

Thanks again Kez and TS for being there I needed ya!

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 94

Hi Nodrama,

I would absolutely feel angry and betrayed and hurt by what happened. I do understand that he's probably going to be on guard for quite some time, and he obviously loves you and cares about you, but you're looking for a supporter, not someone who is going to question your resolve when you're not expecting it (and in front of your kid(s)).

I agree with TS, kill him with kindness, even if you have to do it through gritted teeth. Defensiveness fuels tension. Take a few deep breathes when he's not looking and then post here. :)

I think if you do your best to tell him exactly how you feel and exactly what's going on in your mind, he might think twice the next time he goes to say something like that in the wrong place.

You're an inspiration ND!

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 345

Hi ND,

Of course you are allowed to be angry! However, it likely won’t do you any good at all. As you’ve learned, your husband takes your anger as confirmation that you are struggling with sobriety. I agree with you that it was totally inappropriate for him to say what he did in front of your son. Not sure why he feels the need to watch your every emotion so closely. Sounds like he is being unnecessarily hypervigilant.

Not knowing what you have already said to him I can only suggest having a “boundaries talk” with him. Let him know in a very controlled and calm manner how deeply hurt and embarrassed you felt for his indiscretion and that you need for him to respect you. Tell him that you have many responsibilities and unfortunately when you’re feeling a little overwhelmed that it may show on your face from time to time. Make it clear that just because you appear stressed, he is not to assume that you’ll fill up on alcohol. Reiterate that you are an adult and would very much appreciate being treated as such.

Then throw the ball in his court and ask him if he feels his constant watchful waiting game is helpful to you. Ask him if he feels it is appropriate for him to discuss such a sensitive topic in front of the children. Ask him how he feels about your progress. Never defend yourself simply tell him how you think he must feel about you based on his actions...calmly.

Then the next time he plays the overbearing parent figure role, I would suggest you simply smile sweetly, tell him not to worry and give him a gentle pat. The more persistent he is, the sweeter you become and above all, do not let him see you get angry or annoyed. It will only give him fuel.

Regaining trust and attempting to make up for past sins can be challenging. Accept this truism and keep your goals in focus. Your husband will come around eventually just remember that time is your greatest ally.

You're doing great ND, embrace it!

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 421

So yesterday my husband told me I was edgy, that I was irritable..... Then when I was leaving to take my son someplace he asked me not to go off by myself because he was worried that I would drink. He did this in front of my son and that was embarassing. I was like really? It ruined my day. I was really mad. I've not given him a reason in quite a while to distrust my will power---I haven't been out buying booze, drinkng in the closet, being distructive. I was mad and THAT made me want a drink. I didn't....but, he asked me if I was "ok" several times yesterday. The more he asked the more agitated I became and that proved his point that I couldn't talk about it, that I can't be confronted or "asked" if I'm ok without being defensive. So, here's my question to you all....do I deserve to be mad? I know very well that I have earned the reputation he's assigning me. But, when do you get to be out from under it in the minds of the ones you've hurt? The ones that had to live with us at our worst. I don't go back there any longer. No one beat me up more than I beat up myself....but, i've moved past that stage I feel. Is it unaddressed hurt in him? Is there something I can do to reassure him that I'm not hiding anything? He said to me that he need reassurance not me to snap his head off. Ooops. Any feedback will be appreciated. He's a great guy, wonderful father and amazing to have put up with all I put him through.....but, when do I get to live it down?

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Do I deserve to be mad? No.