It has been 64 days since I have a drink. 64 days. And while 64 days ago was the first time I joined any type of support group, it's FAR from the first time I tried to stop drinking. I've had a few rough days lately, so I've been trying to remind myself just how GOOD this has been. Hopefully, while reminding myself, I can support and encourage others who are struggling.
If you have read any of my other posts in the past few months, I didn't want to set a goal. I wasn't ready to say what my goal was. It seems, it's all fell into place on its own. No alcohol. I used to think that I wanted a goal of moderation. If you can do that, terrific! I can't. And, even if I could learn to moderate, I no longer wish to. Why? Because 64 days without alcohol have taught me just how fun and good life actually is for me. Really.
I haven't woken up hungover in over two months. I've been tired. I've felt sore from a workout, I've felt sad, I've felt happy. I have felt a lot of ways - but I haven't felt that nauseous / headache / regret / embarrassment HELL that is the day after in over two months.
I have owned every.single.emotion that I have felt in 64 days. There is something so incredibly liberating in knowing that everything you are thinking / feelings is 100% valid instead of it being drowned in a wine glass with no bottom.
I'm happy. Truly, happy! Used to be that I felt I needed a buzz to feel happy. Then I would be confused as to why I needed to drink when I was so blessed. Turns out, that's not true!
I enjoy time with my kids. Sitting and talking with them or doing things for and with them without ANY influence of alcohol has taught me that they are indeed really awesome and funny kiddos and I am beyond blessed to be their Mother. I can now enjoy trips with them and remember every moment. I can actually be PRESENT when I'm with them. 100% there. Not nodding my head or shooing them away because I'm having a drunk conversation with someone. No more alcohol induced anger coming out at them.
I don't need alcohol to relax or de-stress. A run, a book, a talk with a friend or a good cry on my hubby's shoulder also does the trick. Without any regret after.
I really love my hubby. I have found that without alcohol, I have grown even closer to him. I'm able to truly listen to him and speak to him with a sober mind.
Alcohol is a mask. I used to think I needed it to be social or have fun at gatherings. Nope. I have been to a few gatherings where this was alcohol and I talked, laughed, and even acted a bit stupid. All while sipping on tea. I feel giddy when I see the "me" that was me before the alcohol took over. The me that makes people laugh. That laughs at her own jokes. That acts really, really stupid sometimes. It's fun.
My husband is making positive changes based on the difference he sees in me. He has told me "you are just glowing" and "you seem very happy".
I'm ready to tell people. It's time that those in my life know what I'm trying to achieve and why. I'm at that point where I feel more support will only help me, not hinder me or embarrass me. And, perhaps maybe if one person hears my story, it will inspire them to get help. Maybe I can help people.
Now - even given ALL that above. This.is.hard. This.is.SO.hard. I will never tell someone that's it all about willpower. It's not. It is, so far, the hardest thing for me to stop. Last night, we watched a movie that had a bottle of whiskey in it during several scenes. I had a VERY powerful urge and desire to get a shot glass and knock back a few shots. Even after 64 days of nothing but learning and growing and actually being happy - I still felt that urge. I didn't act on it. But, it's just proof of what a bastard the mask that is alcohol is.
Tomorrow is day 65. I'm ready. Bring it on. - - Here's to many more days.
