I have noticed that I am so less restless, irritable and discontented. In the depths of drinking a lot I would be like a caged animal if I felf like I was being stopped. I have embraced a different lifestyle and it is freeing. I am laughing more than I have in years and feeling a deeper love and compassion for everyone around me. Those are things I would not give up again for a drink for sure and I am grateful to have the chance to experience that again.
And maybe i'm foolish to thin I can moderate occasionally out with my husband at a party...just once in a while? I don't know.
Looking at my past history and learning about alcoholism from the book AA, I concluded deep down within me that I can't safely drink alcohol ever again. Like the books says that is the first step in recovery. To be an alcoholic, all I need to do is identify with 3 basic traits of alcoholism. Was I obsessing about alcohol all the time. Secondly, After I put a drink in my body, did I have any control over the amount of alcohol I put in the body and finally in forced sobriety was I at ease with myself? Or was I restless, irritable and discontented.
I don't have to live under a bridge, or have DUIs or have served in jail/prison. Once I realized this, I was able to embrace the rest of the steps and I can now say the obsession has been lifted and the irritability has been gone. I have traveled all over the world and gone through some tough life situations but not a moment, felt a need for a drink, in my past 8 years for which I am grateful to the program of AA.
Foxman--It's a quest for the life we had before the AV took over. That is what makes me search for answers. I miss the old me---the fun not over the edge, over the top me. But, as I said my moderation for any alcohol at home has left. I can't have it around me. And if it's open it's gone. Robin Williams was so right. It's this little voice...i can almost see it in a cartoon on my ear. I hate that little voice. My non drunk voice is much more reasonable. And maybe i'm foolish to think I can moderate occasionally out with my husband at a party...just once in a while? I don't know. But at home for sure is a big no for me, around my kids ever again? a huge no.
Yeah so sad, for a person who entertained the world couldn't overcome his internal voice.
You will find more in the book that you can relate to. For me this statement did it for me:
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
I just read a quote from Robin Williams about alcoholism...."it's like the little voice that says "jump" when your on a cliff....a little tiny voice....but this one says "drink---it's ok to have just one u can handle it. Then u wake up in Cleaveland thinking how'd I get here?' So true....
Thanks Dave ! U'r right I did moderate. I did walk away. But all nite I had to force myself to not get going. I had a little voice and it was saying 'don't screw this up. Don't ruin it like vacation....don't embarrass yourself....u need to be done"! Now in times not so long ago I would have told the "u need to be done" voice to jump in a lake. I listened to it and didn't ruin the night. To answer your question I was in control or at least I thought I was. Yes I need to keep trying to stop drinking completely. It is so bad for me I keep reminding myself of that. And my family and my life is so much better without it.
I fact tonight every adult at our dinner table had a drink and my husband and I had waters with lemon and it was weird for half a second during drink order time and then no one said anything about it. It's been a great day with the family and in the past I would have had to get drinks at dinner and after. Not tonight. Feels good.
Foxman--I have a copy of the AA book. I think I will get it out and read some of the stories. Your right I might find it hits close to home.
Everyone is different when it comes to over-coming this problem of alcohol abuse. You are definitely moving in the right direction because you have moved from excess to moderating yourself\ abstaining. That is actually very difficult to do and you've come to realize that drinking is not working for you anymore. The great thing about this week coming up is it starts now. Mondays can be a great motivator and it allows you to prepare for the upcoming weekend. Please don't even consider the thought that you are hypocritical. It's not even used in the correct context in this case. We can often be our own judge, jury, and executioner, however, we often extend unlimited forgiveness to others. If your close friend experienced what you are going through you would be very supportive and want them NOT to feel judged. Don't you deserve the same? When you think of the situation in the context of hypocrisy how do you feel emotionally? How do you feel physically? Weakened?Stressed? Well, how much of that is actually partly due to the alcohol being processed from your body and how much is manufactured in your head through the practice of black and white thinking? Compared to previous episodes, did you handle it better or were you a completely out of control? I'd say you've handled yourself very well. ND, it is definitely a really good plan to stop drinking completely. Give yourself the space and freedom to live your life. You deserve it.
This is very common to feel this way. Many don't realize the powerlessness. Then they scoot up the will power and try to avoid alcohol on their own but they can't. Then the guilt, shame and remorse sets in and some people get depressed and question their sanity. I hope you would read the book alcoholics anonymous were there are several stories similar to your situation, just to illustrate the powerlessness. You will see a car salesman ordering whisky with milk thinking that drinking with full stomach won't hurt. And an accountant who on a clear blue sky, not a problem in his life, ordering a cocktail, totally blind-sighted of the consequences. A man of thirty, who drinks after 25 years of sobriety but quickly deteriorating and dying. All these stories are to depict the progressive, fatal nature of this disease. Left on our own resource, we will continue to drink.
Hi everyone. Back home from the weekend. I have to say it went ok but not as good as I had hoped. The good thing is I remember the entire weekend! And every conversation, food, decorations etc! The bad thing is, I did give in and drink at the night event which was 6 hrs long ( aprox) before we turned in. Over that 6 hrs I had 2 1/2 mixed drinks and 1/2 glass of wine (I had to put it down it didn't taste good to me) the mixed drinks I couldn't taste the alcohol so it wasn't unpleasant but I knew it was wrong for me. But my husband was there and kept by my side all nite and gave me a warning that he was gonna be 'helping me' if I needed it but, that I'm an adult so he put it in my control.
I've had nothing today and haven't felt the least urge----which makes me thankful for the experience but at the same time very very aware that given the right circumstances I still will drink and I feel like a failure. And I don't think I can drink in moderation if I would try in the long run it would end up just the same boat. I'm not kidding myself even a bit about that. I thought to myself last night....I'm gonna have to own this to my AHC friends. Feels good to process it a little.
It's bothersome to me because I feel like a huge pushover and even said that out loud at the event to my husband. And today, while I didn't have a hangover I was sluggish and felt bloated and kind of sick all day and I think it is because I drank. As I said to my husband today--- I put poison back in my body.
Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement I think that is what made me able to stop and not contine on w everyoneat the party and into today. But I feel like a hypocrite and that sucks.
Yes my ex is very judgemental of everyone. He also label anyone he meets with done type of ''problem'. He is a story all on his own and what I went through with him and ultimately how he behaved when I had 'the nerve' to divorce him.
And yes I always thought it was unprofessional also.
Thanks for the input. If I look back at the situation at work-- yes I think it is dopamine that cause me to react as I did because it was kind of surreal how my body reacted. And it was like fear or dread--- like the hill of a roller coaster .
The good news is I made it through lunch today without drinking. Enjoyed it very much and even stood by during a toast with shots and didn't have a problem. And I feel pretty good about that! I could smell it on the guy sitting next to me but didn't budge. Now---on to the party tonight...
Thanks for the feedback. I spent many years feeling so alone in this it's nice to have friends that understand.!
By the way ND, I really consider it unprofessional of your ex to have labelled you in any way. Having worked in Developmental Services for many years it is a given that you never use labels. The reason is while you can have certain tendencies that have you leaning this way or that, there are so many variables since we are so individualistic in our genetic makeup and our life experiences. (Nature vs nurture) We are unique so it is impossible for us to fit in any perfect mold set out by the so called learned ones.
We need to put labels on "things" where they belong, not on people.
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