Today is day 58 alcohol free. You sound a lot like me in that I also started to worry when I'd wake up and start to drink. In fact, I'd have a glass of wine on my bedside table and if I woke up at 3:00 a.m. I'd drink it, then get another glass in case I woke up again. In retrospect I can't imagine what was going through my head. On a "normal" day off I'd make myself wait until 2 in the afternoon and drink until I fell asleep, usually in my lazy boy then drag myself to bed when I woke up. Didn't care since I live alone and no one around to judge. I never had hangovers so I wasn't punished for my excess. But I blacked out a lot and would find broken glass or things knocked over. Of course my eating habits were terrible when I drank as well. So glad those days are over.

 

It does take a bit to get past the withdrawal stage but for the first time in a long time I feel happy and good about myself. Give it a try, you'll thank yourself.

I can empathize with the loneliness. Had a houseful for so many years and now it's just me and my dog. Haven't even entertained the thought of trying to meet anyone.  Besides, I've had offers but I'm just not interested in putting myself in the position of potential loss again.

I really want to make something clear. I didn't drink because of the drama in my life. To me, using past challenges as an excuse to drink suggests that I lack strength of character. I drank because that's what my husband and friends did socially.  I always honored all of my obligations and never called in sick because of it. I'm here because I started to drink a lot alone on my days off, when my husband passed. I just enjoyed drinking and apparently I lost control. That loss of control to me was a commentary on my character so I needed to stop and that is what I've done.

 

Feeling and being in control of my life is very important to me and I forbid something like alcohol to take it from me.

Thanks for the positive feedback on the concept. I know that alcohol abuse and PTSD is a huge problem but it always seems to be in the context of alcohol abuse is a by-product of the PTSD or a management tool, but not an direct result of the progressive alcohol abuse. When you consider the triggers that would arise from alcohol induced-PTSD, it's actually kind of scary because many would exist your immediate environment. I wish the text boxes were set to contain more info because there is much more to add. 

BTW, you're doing really great and seem to have come a long way in a short time. I know it's a "work in progress", however, I just want to say "Well done!" Keep going! Many will benefit from your efforts and example.

Best regards,

Dave

Hi Dave,

Thank you and I appreciate your consideration in the addition of the link. It is very clear that you've done your homework in the dissection of the human psyche in substance abuse and it's auxiliary causes. Your posts are a invaluable tool in helping people to internalize their motives and to become introspective of the consequences of their actions.

 

I was also very cognizant of the fact that my upbringing was toxic and not to be emulated for my own children. I devoured books on child psychology, abuse and nurturing. I'm happy to say they are both well educated professional adults in long term healthy relationships.

 

Although they did not live with me while I was drowning myself in alcohol, they did recognize that I had developed a problem. Unfortunately/fortunately you never stop modeling for your children and I acknowledged that my drinking was not only an issue for myself but troubled my children as well. I could not allow them to believe that my self abuse was an acceptable response to a negative situation.

 

Squashed, I dealt with my ghosts many years ago. When my father passed years ago I felt no grief. I have an amicable relationship with brothers as I believe their actions were as a result of poor parental modeling. I am very happy that you have come to the conclusion that you will deal with your ghosts on your terms and sober.

 

You're right, the time is now . Keep up the good fight!

You make a lot of excellent and insightful observations that add to the discussion. I agree with the maladaptive coping strategies. We do the best that we can with what we have and, unfortunately, it can work against us when circumstances converge and drags us down the river of alcohol abuse. In my case the wheels were set in motion growing up in a home of alcohol abuse and all the maladaptive coping  strategies (or lack there of) and irrational beliefs that come along with it. Fortunately having kids has been a saving grace and I made a decision when I had kids that I would work very hard at nurturing and cultivating a strong relationship with them. Thank you for sharing your insights and personal experience as it provides an important perspective on the topic. 

Here's an interesting article on trauma:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/emotional_psychological_trauma.htm

Best regards,

Dave

Thank you the positive feedback and I agree with your teacher that trauma plays a key role in the progression of addiction. When I think of "trauma" I naturally think of an injury that is significant in nature but we need to consider it in another context. If individual trauma can lead to an open door for alcohol abuse, what happens if the “trauma” is a subtle, persistent way of life when the home is in a constant state of chaos of suppressed and unmet needs, like that of the alcoholic home. This persistent state of recurring trauma defines the individuals psyche and self-identity at key stages of development.  The spectrum of damage is broad and far-reaching. On the surface we only see the tip of the ice-berg when we look at the outward appearance of the individual. We need to see under the surface to understand and appreciate the true magnitude of the problems that support the addiction. But what if the home is alcohol-free and the person still develops an alcohol dependency issue? Then the root cause seems to be "trauma(s)" during the key stages of personal development of the individual up to the point of mid to late teens onward. So in this desperation to break from (control) the pain of the trauma of living with themselves they medicate with alcohol.  Interestingly, endorphins are natures way of dealing with pain and studies show that drinking alcohol leads to the release of endorphins in area areas of the brain that produce pleasure and reward (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/01/120111155137.htm).  Since the trauma to psychological development is keeping them locked in a constant state of sadness and despair it seems alcohol releases a natural defense mechanism to the part of the brain that is most directly affected by the trauma; the area of the brain that produces pleasure and reward. Imagine the profound revelation of a person when they experience this relief for the first time after living with this anxiety their entire life (I can)? Can we really appreicate what it is like living with little or no positive reward (and if you are rewarded for something you don't feel you deserve it). Perhaps they feel like a fraud and it contradicts their beliefs? If their belief system is that of sadness and despair when they are straight then it makes sense why they would find relief and feel "normal" when they are abusing alcohol and find it difficult to cope when they stop drinking. Excessive drinking leads to excessive regret (trauma) and magnifies the PTSD through repetition. 

Something to consider.......

Best regards,

Dave

But these factors did not lead me to abuse alcohol. Actually alcohol never numbed any of that pain- in fact it tended to bring it all to the surface and sometimes left me in an uncontrolled sobbing state. 

Like TS I drank wine because I liked the way it relaxed me, I felt I deserved a reward for a job well done, or because I was angry about some trivial thing, or because I was feeling nervous or worried about something or because I was feeling restless or bored ...... or any number of emotional responses. I grabbed the bottle because the effect was pretty quick and I didn't have to analyse anything. 

But now I am ready to analyse my feelings, I am prepared to put the effort into finding alternative ways of coping with normal everyday situations and also addressing the bigger stuff that needs to be resolved. I don't feel rushed or frantic about doing this. It just took 4 weeks of abstinence to bring about this desire to bring peace and calm into my life.   

So TS in response to - If not now, when?  Well for me it IS now, right now.

I actually agree with Dave's final statement "Maybe it's really a case of repetitive "Personal Trauma Self-induced by Drinking" which led to "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." We all have traumatic events in our lives. What's important is how we deal with them. If my drinking came about due to trauma it would have made much more sense for it to have presented itself much earlier in my life. I was sexually abused by my father and two older brothers starting at the age of 9 yet I didn't abuse alcohol until much later in life. You would think that my coping skills would be much more refined as I aged so that I would have developed the necessary tools to deal with trauma in a proactive manner rather than I would have as a young girl.

I believe that my looking at alcohol as a reward for working hard and meeting my responsibilities was the precursor. I drank because I liked it and it helped me relax as I was always naturally shy and withdrawn. It became out of control when my husband got sick yes, because I used it to help me sleep, but it only really got out of control after he passed because all I wanted to do was sleep. The alcohol itself became the personal trauma and now I'm dealing with it appropriately.

 

Certainly a provocative topic and one in which I hope more people will share their insight.