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Deciding when moderation doesn?t work.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Camiol!

Congratulations! I am so happy for you. I can only imagine the relief you must be feeling. To be honest, I think now that you have escaped that negative place you may be more likely to cut back on drinking as you won't feel the need to self medicate. What do you think?

Being afraid to stop drinking is completely normal. What exactly are you afraid of? What are you afraid of losing? Also, what will you gain in return?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Turquoise I'm so proud of you for being so strong and holding to your conviction. I wish that someday very soon I am able to grasp that same strength and Livs a completely sober life. You are always an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for your kind words, I do believe we are kindred spirits and even from afar we can be great friends.

As for how I'm doing.....not so great but at the same time I'm so happy! First the not so great.....the last few days I've been failing at moderation, but I plan to get myself back on track. Now for why I'm so happy.....yesterday I was terminated from my job. Ok that may not be a great thing, but I'm thrilled. I am FINALLY rid of that place, I NEVER have to feel sick about having to go back there, and I received a very hefty severance. I also had a very interesting call yesterday. I've been offered a job at the company I recently interviewed. Not the job I interviewed for but another position that is going to be posted this week. The manager I spoke with at the interview called me and asked me if I would consider the position, he really feels my interview was very strong and also feels I'm a perfect fit for his dept. he needs to go through the usual politics with a unionized industry but basically told me I have that job. So I have a few more weeks off (perfect) and I am free of that awful place I used to work. Things seem to be looking up for me in that respect.

I now need to get the alcoholic in me to realize that I need to stop drinking. Admittedly I have a fear of never having another drink, that scares me. Turquoise how do you cope with that fear? I would like to get your advice on how to manage the fear of the unknown. I try to think back to when I rarely drank and how I always felt good and I can't seem to remember. Thinking to myself about how I'd feel so much better and not feel the guilt of how this is likely affecting my daughter just doesn't seem to be enough to make me stop. The desire to stop is there, but maybe it's just not strong enough?

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12049

Turquoise,

Thanks for sharing with us and being honest. The members have done an amazing job at giving you their support and sharing their experiences. I am so proud of all of you for coming together and supporting.

I'll keep my long winded moderator advice for another time...I think the members covered it all!

Josie, Health Educator

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

Thank you foxman. Also, Cryptkeeper, your comment about being comfortably numb is why I think most "moderate" drinkers keep on keeping on for so long - even after they start realizing that it has become a problem. The issue with me has been that over the years, I felt like it took more and more drinks to reach that nice buzz... And when I tried to control it, the "deprivation" feelings eventually kicked in, which always resulted in backfiring.

Camiol, how are you feeling? I'm sorry I've been so wrapped up in myself! Your words a few days ago meant a lot to me, and I've read them over and over. You have been a big source of strength to me over the past year, and I value your friendship. I hope we can keep up the dialogue, even if I don't return to the Moga thread. You also, ElizabethRRR - and all the rest of the Mogas. It's tough -- when so much of my life has revolved around drinking, including my conversations here -- I feel like I'm abandoning all my friends (including my best friend of all, that nice bottle of red wine....) Sigh.

Anyway, I'm doing much better than I was a few days ago, although I find myself wandering aimlessly around the house every half an hour or so each day when I get home from work. Subconsciously searching for the bottle, I'm sure. I'm also eating everything in sight, but trying to give myself a break. I just wrapped up a huge deadline at work, and got everything done, and I get to take tomorrow off. I'm trying to work my way through the toolbox on the AHC site again, and I revised my "public pledge" a couple of days ago. Here are my main reasons for going sober now:

I joined this site one year ago, with the commitment to drink moderately. At that time, I truly wanted to know if I am capable of moderation. After continuous short-term success, followed by consistent failure, it has become clear to me that moderate drinking doesn't work for me. I want to spend the rest of my life sober.

Four days sober and counting...

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

I wonder when the doubts and seductive thoughts will start in? It's usually before the end of the first week..

Turquoise,

That is the most important aspect the disease. While we can't control the amount of liquor we consume once we take that 1st drink, more deceptive are these queer mental twist. We really can't tell when it will hit us. We got to elevate our consciousness, be more aware of these thoughts and consequences. In AA we go through a process so that we can live a life without resentments, fear and other spiritual maladies and continue to keep these maladies from creeping up on us. If we dont we are sure to go back out. Recently heard a guy from our home group through away his sobriety after 28 years of being in the program. Reason, he let the spiritual malady overtake him, fortunately he realized that he needed help. Hear he is in Treatment Center in Tennessee where they help old-timers recover (because of added guilt and shame for having relapsed after long periods of sobriety). That is the cunning, baffling nature of this disease. I have to constantly remind myself that if I don't stay spiritually fit, I can loose everything and could be dead.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 154

Thanks for the reply back Turquoise,

The excessive thinking that I do (maybe you too) was labelled by my therapist as "ruminating," which is a word to describe thinking but in a negative context.

Slowing down my thinking by drinking or taking prescription drugs is my way of calming the savage beast inside. I also have an obsessive/compulsive behaviour and hate rejection. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about not being "good enough" in your own eyes or those of others. Like you say: Above all, Be True to Yourself.

I have one simple belief which helps a lot. Although the words are loosely borrowed from the Bible, one need not be a religious person to believe in or practice them "Treat others as you yourself would like to be treated." That pretty much evens up the pendulum swing and guilt-ridden thoughts of our unending expectations for ourselves to be the best that we can always be at all times to everyone.

David

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

Thank you David. I can relate to all of those reasons. The one my therapist wants me to focus on right now is my escape from the pressure. I think the main reason moderation doesn't work so well for me is that a single glass of wine isn't enough to take all the edges off. I rarely got drunk, but I love the buzz and the numbing that helps me stop thinking about all the things that aren't good enough.

The major reason for my numbing, I think, is that my own details frighten me. I'm a huge detail-oriented person; in my work the details are what I excel in. When I look at myself, however, it's different. I'm pleased with the overall picture - successful, healthy, friendly - but when I start looking at the details, I get nervous. The drinking, of course, and binge eating. Those extra few pounds. The procrastination. Letting my kids use the computer too much. The thing I said to my friend the other day that I wish I hadn't said. Spending too much money last weekend. Deep down inside, I'm certain no one would really like me if they knew the real me, and on and on...

So, as I go through my day today, I'm going to try and focus on personal details, particularly the ones that make me feel good. Right now I am tired, because I didn't get enough sleep, but I'm paying attention to my first cup of coffee and how nice it tastes. I feel hopeful about meeting a deadline at work. I just got my hair cut very short a few days ago (a radical change for me) and I love it. My clothes are a little too tight, but do I like the color of the shirt I'm wearing and it goes nicely with my earrings. It looks stormy outside, and I love thunderstorms. I hear and see the fish tank humming along in the other room, and it's quite pretty. I hope I can focus on details like this all day. That's my goal anyway.

Have a good and sober day today, everyone.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 154

Good morning Turquoise,

I can completely relate to your experiences stated at the bottom of this thread. I joined this site about a week ago for much the same reasons as you and others. In addition to my alcoholic challenges, I also take medication for depression and anxiety. When I last saw my therapist, he mentioned to me several reasons why people drink, stated somewhat like this: 1) relaxing and/or obtaining a comfortable buzz; 2) escaping the pressures of the day; 3) physical dependence (also genetic predisposition); 4) reward (as in "I achieved a lot today, I think I'll treat myself with one or two beers...yeah right"!; 5) restlessness and/or boredom.

In my first and only post when I joined, I mentioned that I can honestly relate to all 5, but it seems that number 1 and 5 hit closer to home most of the time. One of the counselors replied to me asking what I could do to replace these reasons for drinking. As you mention in your hobbies, I like taking long walks to clear up my mind (sometimes they do the exact opposite), but one can only walk for so long. I like to say to people that I try to "live one day at a time." The tough part though is that you have to get through minutes and hours to get through one day or to get to the point where you are aiming.

In my case, I am beginning to try to moderate my drinking...and I subconsciously know that quitting is the only real answer for me as it appears to be for you.

So, you're not alone by any stretch. As for humbling and guilt, I've been there too. I believe there are times when being humbled is a good thing; however, we cannot always stay in that realm, we must move on to more positive places. Easier said than done...

Take care, and congratulations on your 2 days of sobriety.

David

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

Thanks Elizabeth. It's been a long day, but I'm still sober. I wonder when the doubts and seductive thoughts will start in? It's usually before the end of the first week.... Camiol, have you heard back from your interviews yet? I've got my fingers crossed for you. How are you managing your pain?

Anybody else out there starting over with total sobriety after a slip (or twenty?) I'm feeling irrationally alone about doing this. It has been such a humbling time for me.

Anyway, two days and counting.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 161

Turquoise, thanks for saying this; it takes courage. I have been wondering along the same lines, when I think I'm doing so well for days and then, out of nowhere, a bottle plus night like you had. Then I think, I was feeling so good, what was that about? It really makes me want to figure out what else is driving this besides the physical craving, which I think is potent.

I hope you will keep us posted on how things are going for you. Moga, Noga, whatever, I don't think of you as self-pitying, and you've been an inspiration and help to me.

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