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Deciding when moderation doesn?t work.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Somehow the post I wrote this morning didn't come through so I'll try to refer what I said earlier this morning. I made it through last night with no drinks and I felt great to wake up this morning with a clear head.

I think since it's been four years ( a relatively short period of time) since I became a problem drinker. I still recall what it was like to be sober on a daily basis and I'm striving to get there again. I really feel that even though we have our struggles, we are able to recognize that we do have a problem and don't want it to take over our lives. That in itself is a positive step in the right direction. I am admittedly a hugged fan of a couple soap operas and last night the episode I watched really struck a chord with me. The guy had just poured himself a glass of scotch, he heard his infant son stirring on the baby monitor. He handed the glass to his co star and asked her to please dump it out. He told her he didn't want his son growing up remembering that when daddy tucked him in at night he smelled of alcohol, or when he kissed him good night he tasted of booze. For me that was a very powerful moment. I thought to myself "omg my daughter experiences this almost every night!" "How did I let this happen?" Something in me said this is just wrong. I need to get myself back to me.

Turquoise it's wonderful that you are 4 weeks alcohol free! I'm so darn proud of you. I'm still waiting to hear from that job, I'm hoping it'll be in the next few days. My puppy is great, he's not a little guy anymore. He's about 70 lbs now and still growing. Yikes!

Dave I agree that we must be forgiving of ourselves. I believe I am able to do this, but at the same time I'm angry at myself for getting this far in the addiction. Being aware that I have a problem is the first step in recovery. Without admitting there's a problem, it's too easy to turn a blind eye to it and let it consume us. I refuse to let that happen. I know I am an alcoholic and I will beat this beast in my head. If I'm nothing else, I am someone who will not give up.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

I am happy -- and amazed -- to say that I am now more than four weeks sober. My last drink (or should I say two entire bottles of wine) were on July 15, so the day after tomorrow will make it a full month. The hardest day for me so far was Sunday (my 4-week mark), where I spent an entire day with friends who were drinking. Unfortunately, I did eat enough to feed everyone there, but I didn't have a drop of alcohol. I haven't been sober for this long in over twenty years....

David, you have a lot of good ideas. Thank you, and I enjoy reading your posts. Good luck with the cigarettes! Did you make it through another day?

Camiol, I am sending so many strong thoughts your way! I know you can do this eventually, the time just has to be right. Everyone on this site has seen me struggle with moderation on an almost daily basis for the past year. I honestly don't know what makes this time different, but all I can say is, maybe (I'm crossing my fingers really hard!) the time is finally right. The same thing has happened three times over thirty years with cigarettes, where it was suddenly easy to quit one day after years of struggling. Two of those times I went back to smoking after several years of being clean. I have now been smoke-free for about three years, but I know I can never completely let my guard down. Regardless, it feels good!

With all that said, I am not allowing myself to become too self-satisfied with the sobriety, because I know how quickly and silently and overwhelmingly the pretty monster can strike. Each sober day is its own success, and that's good enough. I am going to get myself a set of pretty turquoise earrings to celebrate one month. That was my symbol of strength over alcohol when I started on this site, and it's been months since I've done anything like that. I think it's time...

I am still seeing a therapist, who is helping me deal with all the negative chatter in my head that seems to have only the one bewildering goal of self-sabotage. I think if I can come to terms with these voices, I will have a head-start on losing the twenty pounds I've gained this year. It would be nice to have a head start on that by my next birthday.

Camiol, what is the job status? And I've been meaning to ask you, how is your puppy?

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi Camiol,

I hope everything went well today for you. I can really feel your frustration because I've lived it myself....wanting to quit but bashing your head against the wall because your internal voice is leveraging your external situations and using them against you. It's a war of frustration. But the best thing is that you know from 4 years ago where you want to be. You've lived it and you're going to get it back. Give yourself this week to do what feels right for you. You deserve that much. And don't worry, the liquor store or beer store isn't going to suddenly close down tomorrow and no one will disown you if you don't drink so take some time to yourself. And if I can make a suggestion, separate YOURSELF from the ACTIVITY of drinking. Hate the activity but care for yourself. I think one of the great tragedies in life is that we'll readily drop what we're doing and give someone else the shirt off our back to help them, offer advice and console them when they're in pain, but we don't extend the same compassion and forgiveness to ourselves. We often hold ourselves up to an unrealistic set of expectations and when they're not met the self-criticism is merciless. And it's this vicious circle of letting ourselves down and the ever-present critical voice that pours gas (or alcohol in our case) on the fire and urges us to find relief in drinking. We escape the voice, even for a short time, and find some relief. And criticism is one big lie. You deserve to extend the same compassion and goodwill to yourself as you would for those around you.

Camiol, and Turquoise as well, why not give yourself a bit of a break and give yourself a few days where you can gather your thoughts and take yourself out of your immediate situation and get a bit of a head start on the abstinence without the external influences around you. Fix it in your mind when you are going to do it and go book some time at a spa and give something back to yourself. Spend a few days eating well, relaxing, and reading and listening to some good audio programs. Or watch t.v. and go for a walk. Maybe do it at the end of a few days of sobriety. It's just a thought but I find it's easier when I detach myself from my environment to clear my head. And no one at the spa is going to bug you to drink.

Just a (positive) thought.

Best regards,

Dave

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Thanks Vincenza, your support much appreciated. It really helps to have positive feedback as it strengthens my resolve.

I will say one thing, quitting smoking is a real !@%$er! I forewarned everyone in my immediate vicinity yesterday and today not to take it personally when I freak out about something as it's day 1 of quitting smoking so be patient. Well I'm happy to report I made it through day 1 without a smoke, minor spazz attacks aside, and I managed to make it home without stopping for a pack at the store. And it test it was! My SUV broke down leaving the driveway on my way to a meeting first thing in the morning......emergency crisis at the office....teenagers being, well teenagers.......lot's of money to fix the SUV.........PEOPLE FOLLOWING TO CLOSE ON THE HIGHWAY!!!!! Awesome day all around really. I tell you, a smoke would have been nice, but the worst is over. Tomorrow is a new day.

I honestly think these situations that arise when we're quitting are sent to bring us to a fork in the road to test us. When we cave we stay where we are and life throws back the same challenge until we move past it. When we don't cave it moves us forward to a better place and builds on our inner strength. Funny, drinking never even entered my mind because I was so focused on the challenge of not smoking and not letting the challenges of the day get the better of me. Little victories win the war.

Best regards,

Dave

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Dave848,

You're outlook is very inspiring! I imagine many members struggling with alcohol addiction get caught up in the concept of "never". Choosing to say "no, thanks, I'm not drinking" is very empowering. It is reframing the way one thinks about drinking and it's great to hear that it is working for you!

Congrats on reaching 21 days sober - keep it up!

Camiol, Congrats on Day 1 sober! Keep taking it one minute at a time. You are fighting a good fight and we are always here to help!

Vincenza, Health Educator

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Hi Dave...each and every time I drink I feel my resolve to stop drinking is getting stronger. I hate myself more and more for drinking and I am feeling that deep down inside it is time to stop. I am starting to wrap my head around the fact that this is not good for me or my family and I don't want to be like this anymore. I went golfing with my family yesterday and I had a few drinks on the course. We went to a friends house afterwards and I had wine there. In the middle if the night I woke up feeling so pissed off at myself and depressed. I thought to myself "this needs to stop". I so enjoy the feeling I get from alcohol but at the same time, I hate it....does that make sense? The negative feelings come from the part of me that grew up with an alcoholic mother and I now look at myself in the mirror and say I am just like her. That really makes me feel sad and hopeless. I hate that I've become my mother. The only difference is I'm a happy drunk and she isn't.

I am going to abstain today and really think about this situation I've fallen into. I am hoping to abstain all week, but will take it one minute at a time.

I know in my soul that when I do stop I will feel so much better both physically and emotionally. I remember how I felt before I started drinking regularly 4 years ago. I had a clear head, my spirit was good and my body was healthier. I want to be that person again. The guilt I feel when I drink is so awful. Today is a new day and I will be sober. Thank you so much for your continued support and kind words. It is very helpful and it is making me see that being sober is NOT a scary thing, but a wonderful thing to look forward to.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi Camiol,

I'm doing great, thanks for asking. I was just checking my stats in my diary and it was day 21 today sober, so I'm on to week 4 this week. I feel pretty comfortable with not drinking. In fact, life is so much better for me NOT drinking. The thought of drinking or getting drunk really doesn't appeal to me. I like my life without it and so does everyone else ( my immediate family) feels the same. I can remember vividly what I am like when I over-indulge and I refuse to live my life like that anymore. One thing that I can tell you......I feel really happy everyday, which is something that has been missing in my life. I certainly have my moments for sure but I typically have a sense hope and well-being. One by-product of drinking for me has been smoking cigarettes. After I have a few beers I'm gagging for a smoke and unfortunately it's carried into my non-drinking hours. And the more I drank that urge would extend to thinking smoking a joint was a pretty idea too. So tomorrow starts Day 1 of quitting smoking. I needed to get some time not drinking out of the way first before I bit off more than I can could chew. I'm also going to combine quitting with a 12-week workout program, a Beachbody.com CD set. They're really awesome and you can do them at home. I find when I do a workout program like that it pushes me to focus on my calories, vitamins, and my physical health and conditioning. I just don't want to smoke if I'm working out. I felt like having a beer yesterday when I got back from a ride on my motorcycle and I told wife that but I also knew it was because I was thirsty from dehydration, not some urge to have a beer (probably because she was having one and it was sitting right in front of me). So I got a big glass of ice and orange juice and felt a lot better.

I've also made some trips to the beer store/ liquor store for family members and the only time it seemed strange was the first time I went into the beer store because I would always by extra for myself. Now when I go in I just don't care. I can't expect everyone else to stop drinking because I don't want to.

I can really relate to where your coming from. It's hard to quit. I think the difference for me this time is I'm making the choice not to drink myself and not letting other people or situations make them for me. I'm not even considering the thought of "Never". That has NEVER worked for me when I tried it in the past. I just say "I'm not drinking". And if someone asks I just say "I've enjoyed it in the past but it just doesn't work for me anymore and I'm not enjoying it." Simply\e as that. And what can they say? "Come on, have a drink even though you don't enjoy it". Not bloody likely. If they did I'd tell them to....well, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.

Camiol, if you want to stop, today is the best day to do it. I promise you, your life will get so much better removing that unnecessary pressure for your life. And I know you can. I don't know why I'm so sure of it, I just am.

Best regards,

Dave

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Turquoise I'm happy that you are doing so well, getting through the struggles is a wonderful accomplishment. I'm still not doing great, I have been drinking daily. I sometimes feel like I'm out of control but usually I do not allow myself to get drunk. On a daily basis I say to myself that I need to quit, I WANT to quit, but as of yet I can't bring myself to do it. I seem to have this thing ingrained in my head that summertime is the wrong time for me to stop because there is always so much going on and alcohol is of course a big part if it. Something in me says I don't want to miss out on all the fun. I know I do need to make that commitment to stop, even if its only for a certain period if time. My favourite cousin is coming home for a visit next week and as I've told you before, we always get together for a night of drinking and games. I keep thinking that once we get through that night, I will stop. It's my hope that I can stick to that decision once she returns home.

Dave how are you doing? Both you and Turquoise are pillars of strength and I enjoy reading posts from both of you. I always find something in your posts that I can take away with me, relate to and think about. I appreciate the words of wisdom you both put forth, and find them to be enlightening.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

I am doing well. It's a bit of a struggle driving past my favorite wine store on the way home every day, but it hasn't been unmanageable. 23 days sober now! Sorry I haven't been on here much -- the kids start school tomorrow and it's been crazy and not very private. I hope everyone else is doing well. Back soon.....

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Hi Dave....it is very overwhelming to consider not drinking ever again. I feel like I'd be giving up a best friend, something that supports me. Intellectually I know it's the best thing to do, but spiritually it's very scary. I keep trying to recall how I was 4 years ago when drinking was the furthest thing from my mind, I was sober 95% of the time. I only had drinks on holidays or when we had social gatherings which was rare. I remember how I was so much healthier, clear minded and happier. The unhappiness comes from being in this state of alcoholism which I so desperately want to be free of. I thank you for your confidence in me. I do feel that I will realize my goal very soon, and can return to living a normal life. Being a habitual drinker really does make one feel like a failure on all levels doesn't it, and to ease the feeling of failing, we drink again, and so the cycle continues on a daily basis.

Turquoise how are you doing? All settled in after your vacation?

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