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Enabling spouse

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 118

Hockeytown, agreed. In my case, the real enabling was telling each other we're not alcoholics, and then pouring another drink, even if it was the 10th or 15th drink of the day. I am very grateful that my wife has, at least for now ,decided to moderate her drinking while I abstain -- and says what I am doing and acknowledging has caused her to pause and reflect.

John

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Hi all,

I am a bit confused, when people use the term "enabler".

An enabler does not encourage the person to drink, they help remove the negative consequences that are caused by the alcoholic. Such as a wife who sometimes calls in sick for her husband at work because he is too hung over, or still drunk and if she didnt do this he would lose his job. It may seem like she is helping, but the opposite is true. The sad truth of addiction is that most of us have to hit rock bottom to realize how bad off we really are. By making excuses, or down playing the drinking of a loved one we are actually prolonging their agony. I have been on both sides of this fence, as the enabled and then as an enabler. I had to force myself to cut all contact with this person off. It took a few years, but it worked.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 252

Captain,

this is a very interesting thread. Thanks for raising it. My wife drinks almost every night. This is a habit I shared with her for 20 years. She misses me drinking. However, I am a more able person, have more energy, and we row much less often. This she recognises. It took a little time for her to get used to both the plusses and minuses. but after a while it becomes the new normal.

I have never gone aroound saying I have stopped drinking because I am an alcoholic to my wife or anyone else. People struggel with connertations associated with categorisations and labels and I much prefer not to have to go there. I prefer to keep it simple. When out I drive so I obviulsy do not drink. Reasons like I am up early in the morning or no reason at all provided can work fine.

Although these are social issues we have to deal with, they are not impossible issues.

Thanks,

Rob

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 118

Turquoise, I have been wondering what to say to my friends when I suddenly stop drinking. I suppose I could say "I've got to stop because it's killing me", which I feel is true. I don't want to tell too many people I'm an alcoholic, at least until I can also say I've stopped drinking for a long time. Your comment prompted this train of thought -- thanks.

Dave, I don't feel the fear at this moment -- funny how it comes and goes. At this moment, I have clear memories of all of the bad physical effects of drinking. I wish I could so vividly recall those memories when the craving for alcohol is filling my mind, leaving little room for sanity. Easier said than done!

John

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi John,

I think each and every person can appreciate the fear of quitting. I can only speak for myself but I've found my life and relationships have gotten way better without drinking. My world is actually right side up for a change rather than being upside down from drinking. It's all positive.

Dave

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

John,

Abstinence WILL change some of your social relationships. There will be probably friends who won't like you as much if you don't drink with them, because they want or need a drinking buddy. But you will also have friends who like you even more (because you're not getting hammered) and friends who either won't notice or won't care, because drinking isn't a big deal to them.

My advice would be to tell anyone who matters that you are laying off for awhile because of health issues, or because you are taking some kind of medication that doesn't allow you to drink. You might even get yourself a doctor's appointment, so that your wife and/or closest friends take you seriously. That way they won't feel that you are targeting or judging THEM with your decision not to drink, simply targeting yourself. If you just say "I've quit drinking", other alcoholics might see a challenge in trying to get you to start again, because that makes them feel not so inadequate. If you pin it on a health problem, then they won't have a personal reason to try and make you join them.

Alcoholics are insecure by nature, and we hate it when we think people are judging us. We also need to prove to ourselves that we need to quit. When other people tell us we need to quit, then it's easy to blame them for our own problem. We have to feel deeply that this is the only decision we can make -- for our OWN reasons, not for anyone else's reasons.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 118

Thanks Dave848, Foxman, Camiol and David! I fear how abstinence (if I can do it) will change my social relationships. It feels like i will need to turn my world upside down and my friends won't like me as much if i stop drinking with them. But my bigger fear is what will happen to me if I don't stop.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 154

Hi Captain John and my fellow comrades,

My wife hardly drinks at all so she is definitely not an enabler. Our adult son who only recently moved out of our home is an alcoholic as I am. He works at the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) which is most DEFINITELY an enabler for both of us and a significant source of temptation for him and supply for me. One of the main reasons for my quitting (day 18 today), is to hopefully provide my son with support and an example to follow.

The obsession to drink as you mention in your other post Captain John is also a problem for me as I have obsessive compulsive behaviour (OCD) which carries itself into the drinking realm. When I am not occupied with other thoughts, I find myself constantly thinking about drinking or not drinking and become completely restless and anxious. It is a challenge to say the least. I've given my willpower, will (thoughts) and life (actions) over to God to battle this disease as I am simply not strong enough to beat this beast alone. I NEED power from a supernatural, higher spiritual realm.

All is love.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Hi Captain John.....I agree with Dave. Only YOU can make that decision to quit and it is you that enables yourself. I too obsess about drinking. I am trying to stop and today is day two. My husband has the occasional drink, but I have to accept that he is able to do so and I don't need to cave in and have one with him. I got loaded on Labour Day and yesterday morning I finally realized that I'm not in control as I claimed to be. My husband came home from work yesterday and told me he made a stop at the beer store on his way home. He didn't have any, but it scared me to know we had some in the house. I wasn't much if a beer drinker, wine was my weakness so I'm ok with the beer being here. There was a bit of white wine left in the house and I dumped it out in the morning so there was none here to tempt me.

I'm sure I'll probably lose a friend or two in this process, but if someone truly cares about me, they will support my decision. My husband I can say for sure does not have a problem with alcohol, but I do believe he knows I have a problem even though he's never said anything to me. He's made the odd comment about how I was pretty drunk the night effort, or I passed out so early. Even though I believe he feels I have a problem, he still buys beer. So is that enabling me by bringing booze into the house? I don't think so. I made that choice to drink, I poured that first glass of wine and I CHOSE not to say no. I always had that "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude. It's time to say NO. I can't expect everyone to quit drinking because I made the decision to do so. If you choose to stop, it's your decision, and because your wife is still drinking wine doesn't mean that you have to pour a glass. Maybe once she sees you've slowed down or stopped, it'll give her incentive to do so as well. Best of luck to you. We're all here to support you in your journey.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

Hello Captain John,

Fortunately my wife was a normal drinker and she quite even those occasional stint with wine when I started my recovery. I am so grateful for that. But I have seen lot of spouses struggle when one enters the fellowship and the other is reluctant to seek recovery. If we are strong and start working the 12 steps (after find a compatible sponsor) we will be placed in a position of neutrality where nothing will bother us. Today, I am free man, I can go to any party or get-together where booze is served. Always realize that we drank no mater what but with the help of the program, we can have serene life where the obsession to drink will be removed. You wife will see the change in you and she might also get intrigued and start asking questions about the program. Slowly you can introduce her to the fellowship and the program.

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