After more than ten years of doing what you just described, I've been completely sober for six days now, and it seems so pathetic...and yet so huge. And I've lost one pound. Again, pathetic, but huge. Maybe I can last until tomorrow and make it an entire week -- or maybe two weeks -- and two pounds. I don't know for sure if I can go that long without ever drinking again, but I'm hoping I can. My goal to drink responsibly has proven it can't work, so my new goal is to quit entirely. Forever. It's a dismal, gray thought, but the silver lining is intense.
Isn't it amazing how many of us manage look and feel so successful and attractive on the outside, and yet we are hiding this pretty little monster on the inside? For years I've been accepting the monster (because it feels so good at the time) in the hopes that no one will notice. And so far, no one has. Unfortunately, as the monster has grown, it's the long-term effects on ME that I can't hide. And if I can see gradual changes on the outside, I wonder about the bigger changes on the inside. I have to keep reminding myself of the nasty hidden side of the monster almost hourly, because the monster has on its forlorn, pleading face nearly all the time.
How can one drink be so bad? Please? Pretty please? PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE?!?!?!
Have you thought about doing something to spark your motivation specifically about your looks, like getting a facial? I'm thinking about doing that sometime soon. When you drink after work, are you drinking alone or with a friend? If you drink alone, have you thought instead about making an appointment for a massage right after work to help with the stress? Four to seven bottles of wine a week (my usual intake) adds up to approximately the cost of a bi-weekly massage, or a facial.
If you drink with a friend, do they know that you're struggling with this? Could you suggest doing something different, like go for a walk somewhere? Could you order a "virgin" drink, and a big pitcher of water? Or an endless refill Diet Coke with slices of lemon on the side? I'm going out on a date with my husband tonight, and I've got my armor in place and my endless refill diet coke plan in high gear. For many years we have always enjoyed drinking wine together, but he is supportive of me, so I'm hoping it works. I checked out the menu in advance, and I know exactly what I'm going to order, drinks included. I'm scared, though. I can already taste that nice glass of wine with my salad. Or, I should more honestly say, that entire nice bottle of wine.
You aren't a failure. To overuse a really good cliche, tomorrow is a new day. It's the beginning of the rest of your life, and you have the power to direct the way it goes. There are a lot of really nice things in the world that don't involve hangovers; I'm sure of it. Let me know if you have any suggestions. Hang in there.
