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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

I love denial. The problem is, denial doesn't love me back. Honest self-observation is very painful, but it's a short-term pain, like yanking off the bandaid. Denial is a long-term ache, like a deep wound that never heals. This is what I've found helps me the most when I'm in a really painful situation: I pretend that I am talking about a character in a book. The most interesting characters are not the perfect ones; they are the ones with flaws, but you like them anyway.

So, I take a big step back, and look at this character called "Turquoise." For the moment, I'm going to think of her as a well-known character in a book I can't put down. Let me write the scene about her last binge four weeks ago (the Saturday before Father's Day). Turquoise starts out with a happy beer around noon during a weekend of camping. The second beer is also great. And the third. It's sometime around the third beer that the endorphin buzz turns into a simple warm fuzzy feeling, but she doesn't want to lose it. Chase that buzz (more like "chase that fuzz" at this point). Turquoise spends a great afternoon with her friends, drinking, BBQ-ing, drinking, hiking, drinking, eating junk food and playing with the kids, drinking, roasting marshmallows. Oh, and did I mention drinking? By evening she feels a little sick and isn't really hungry, but it's very easy to eat potato chips with a beer. And they are salty. Might as well have one last beer, even though she doesn't really even want it at this point. Sleeping in a tent (with two young kids) while drunk isn't very fun, though. Throwing up the next morning sucks. Taking apart the campsite and cleaning up while hungover is a long, icky drag. Finding out at the end of the weekend that she has completely forgotten about Father's Day is humiliating.

Oh yeah, that was me. It is painful to write about, but easier if I take a step back and look at it through the eyes of a writer creating a scene about a character in a book. Books are boring unless the characters have to struggle. And Turquoise has managed to meet some really interesting new friends that she never would have known without her struggle. It will be interesting to see where this story goes from here. And her kids just woke up, so Turquoise has to get ready for work and feed everyone breakfast. Have a great day, and I look forward to reading the next scene in the book we're all writing together.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 51

Thank you friends, it is very good to know that you are there..

Camiol, I just realized that since I'm in this site, the days I drink are less then the ones I'm abstinent and it felt really good. I spent the whole winter drinking each and everyday and I was feeling good if I stop even for one day.. So subjectively and comparatively, I'm much stronger and healthier for weeks.. I feel like I wasnt able to do this if I didnt find this site.. and you.. But also I realized that I have a long way to go.

Turquoise, it is also true for me that I fail each time I start drinking without planning ahead. Yesterday was one of them. My collegue was the biggest trigger/risky situation for me, as I knew it from the first day I checked in here, and I'm trying to control it, but sometimes I cant. She doesnt feel that her drinking is a problem for her and she really loves to drink with me. First I told her that I'm trying to control my alcohol habits weeks ago and she was so much disappointed, she said she will never do that. Then I find another way to change her mind. Since she is obsessed with her weight (although she is 20 pounds lower then me!!!), I told her that she may loose weight if she stops drinking everyday, then she was convinced not to drink everynight and keep asking me out for beer. And again I feel better to control myself with her, comparing with weeks ago, but I should be much much better and controlled.

I was feeling very anxious in the morning that I didnt want to think and remember anything about last evening, but I know very well from my past experience that this denial approach doesnt work. I still dont find it very comfortable but I'm trying. Turquoise, tell us more how can you do this self-observation so well? Maybe I am still not honest enough to myself that I find self observation painful. Camiol, what do you think? Did you analyze your moments starting and continiouing drinking the day after..looking for your valuable feedback..

Monica and BP, if you are reading these posts, you can see that we are all concerned about you..check in and share your feelings with us, we are all here to support you..

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

Hope, we've all been there, too many times to count. Can you think of a specific moment last night when your brain said "what the hell, I might as well just go for it!" Was it when you said "OK" to your friend? Was it after the first beer? After the third? Do you remember? As Vicenza says, it's good to track your progress in the online diary, not only to see how you are doing, but also to find the exact triggers that set you off. Since you know that you HAVE had evenings where you only had a couple of drinks and felt good about it afterward, it would be really valuable to try and pinpoint the exact moment when this night became different. If this happens again, and you record it again, you'll begin to know better what really triggers the binge. If moderation really is your long-term goal, you need to know how to make it happen, and how to avoid the triggers. If moderation isn't possible, you'll realize it sooner if you really know why. Turn last night into a valuable learning experience.

I'm finding that I can only drink when I plan it well ahead of time. I can't have alcohol in the house at all, because if it's available, I will drink it. I would love to have a glass of wine at home with dinner every night, like I did for decades. But that doesn't work for me any more, because I like the wine more than the dinner....

To be honest, the rigid planning takes a lot of the joy and fun out of it. Like sex, now that I have kids. And food, now that I don't weigh thirty pounds more than I want to. If I let myself think about it too much, all of it is really depressing. I'm a hedonist, and I love feeling high on good food or alcohol. I really hate saying no. But I can have dessert occasionally, as long as I don't regularly keep junk food in the house. And I do have sex occasionally, as long as I plan for it. And I THINK I can drink occasionally, as long as.... That doesn't mean I don't want to consume the entire batch of cookies or drink the entire bottle of wine. Damn it, I DO want to, every single time. But if I plan ahead of time (particularly making sure I'm in a place without an endless supply), the chances of turning it into a binge are a lot less. So far, anyway. Time will tell....

Anyway, hang in there, Hope. Get through today. Eat healthy and keep checking in. I'm glad you posted this morning, despite your lapse. Never quit quitting....

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Hope, don't beat yourself up for this one slip. You have been very successful so far.....look back at how many days you have NOT awakened with a hangover, or feeling like you're in a fog. You are not weak at all, you're been very strong and I think you should be proud of yourself. Yes you had a slip, but today is a new day and you'll pick up where you left off the day before you drank beer. You have always been very supportive of me when I've had my many slips, I'm here to support you. We all know that trying to kick this habit is very difficult, so if we have an occasional evening where we drink more than we should, it's not a failure, it's a learning experience. I understand your disappointment, I've been there several times, but with all of you awesome ladies on this site to help me see clearly and not judge me, I am able to pick myself up and carry on with my journey. Today you must see that you are not a failure, remember all the days that you showed your amazing strength and abstained from alcohol.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 51

Goodmorning from a hangover morning :(((

Yesterday, my collegue (my drink buddy) asked me for a beer after work.. I waited 30 minutes before saying yes, but I then I said OK. We started at 6 PM and ended at 24.... I dont want to beleive how weak I am.. or why should I continiou drinking once I start.. Why cant I stop like normal people after havin 1 or 2 beers after work just for relaxing.. This time I am not angry with myself like my birthday but rather disappointed. I was having a good day at work and planning to go for swimming with my daughter after work. How did it end up with 10 beers at midnight???

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi Camiol & Turquoise,

I'm very glad you are finding the 'My Diary' helpful and inspirational. It is great to be able to track your progress - even if it looks like a roller coaster ride. Take the good and the bad as learning experiences and most importantly don't give up!

Turquoise - beautiful pic!

Vincenza, Health Educator

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Lol...sorry Turquoise for setting your sushi craving on motion. I hope you were able to get your hubby to bring some home for you. Boy we are so much alike in so many ways. I do hope that someday we will get to meet in person, and that we're both rocking healthy, hot bodies.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

Oh gosh - now I want sushi. Thanks a lot, Camiol! Gotta admit though, it's almost as good as a glass of wine, and since Japanese food isn't renowned for its accompanying wine, I don't associate the two like I do with awesome Italian or French food. I have been working my butt off today (wouldn't that be nice?) and need to feed the kids. Hopefully I can muster up a salad -- or maybe talk my husband into bringing home sushi on his way home... :-)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

I'm also concerned about BP and Monica.....I hope they are still checking in on the site and will give us an update on how they're doing.

I am so far so good tonight with no booze. Not that it's easy because I'd love a drink right now, but I'm going to stick to my guns and not drink. Besides I'm going to do a root touch up and freshen my hair colour...wouldn't want to screw that up by being under the influence.

I ate a lot of fruit today and had a canned fish with rice crackers for lunch. I also had some trail mix as a snack and sushi rolls for dinner. I hope sushi isn't bad for me because I'm hooked on the stuff...take away my booze, but don't touch my sushi...lol. I would be happy to lose 10 lbs but 15 would be great. I hope by eating healthier I'll lose weight, and of course less drinking means less calories and that's always a good thing.

I've been tracking my drinking in the diary since the day I joined this site. Sometimes I review it and it isn't pretty at some points. It does put it right in your face, that's for sure.

Well I must go feed my dogs then tackle this hair.....wish me luck...lol.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

BP and Monicaholiday, are you around? It would be nice to hear from you, even if you aren't having the perfect time of it. I'm a little worried.

Have any of you been keeping track of your drinking (and not drinking) in the online "My Diary" on this site? It looks like a very useful tool. Why don't we make a promise that we each will keep track of our own drinking, every single day, on the Diary. The especially cool thing is that it shows you a chart of what you've been up to. I just went back and recorded all my drinking since I started on this site -- based on all my past notes to all of you on this site.

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