Interesting stream on consciousness; thank you for sharing. What do you think is making your long for something different? What would something different look like? And if you had it how would you be different? How do you accept and value what you have? How would your life be different if you were able to do this? I encourage you to really think about these questions.
Snaphu - that is probably so so true. Our fears completely outweigh the actual odds of catastrophe. I will try to keep that in mind. That my fears are fabrications of my own imagination and bear no resemblance to the actual risks of the things I am afraid of. I read something about people with social anxiety going into a room and focussing only on the one or two people whose faces were not welcoming or even "hostile". I am definitely someone who has trouble thinking of the glass half full... I can be in a room with twenty people who think that what I am saying or doing is great - but if one person looks the slightest bit skeptical, I am devastated and I retreat. I watched my kid's baseball practice this afternoon and I found myself sad (and even envious) to realize that I had never experienced the feeling of someone who said "Go for it", "You can do this" "I know you have it in you". I wish that I was mature enough that all the motivation could come from within, but somehow I have this feeling, that even as I was a little kid taking my first steps, saying my first words or reading for the first time, people around me were saying " well it's about time! What's the big deal?" Why am I always longing for something different from what I have? How do I accept and value and even cherish what I have that is real?
Athena
Sorry - this has been a bit of a stream of consciousness - but interesting nonetheless.
hi Athena! excellent post! I can relate totally to your fears about abstaining! you're doing a terrific job just realizing all these factors affecting you.
I read this on Facebook this morning, and it certainly made a lot of sense to me:
"There are more things that frighten us than injure us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality." ~Seneca
You describe your experience so vividly, I can better appreciate the fear you have surrounding abstinence. Thank you for sharing, it takes courage to do so. I hope in writing this you felt some renewed strength somewhere mixed in the panic. Know that you have support on the other side of that giant wall in the form of this support group - we can help direct you on where to go next and we are hear to 'listen' and lend a hand!
Take the time to rest and be gentle on yourself through this process. Take it one step at a time...
Persistence in the face of fear is something that I have to learn. I have a tendency to back away from things that are scary or overwhelming. I guess that only reinforces the fear that I can't cope or I won't survive big challenges.
Ashley,
your question is really interesting. It may seem obvious to others but I am only just beginning to accept that I spend way too much time thinking and very little time feeling. I am constantly in my head and very rarely present with my feelings or open to sharing my feelings with others.
So I am scared. It feels like something is squeezing my heart - like there is a boulder on my chest. I feel like my whole body is buzzing especially my arms and my hands. I feel a bit nauseous. Whenever I try to imagine myself taking the next step in this process, I feel the same kind of tension that I feel when I am trying to psyche myself up to jump into a really cold swimming pool or to walk into an interview or social gathering. As if there is a giant wall in front of me that I have to run towards at full speed in order to get through, but knowing that what is on the otherside is just wide open space - no ground to stand on, no safety net or signs to tell me where to go next. And no turning back. Just free falling indefinitely. Just writing this is making me feel panicky. I am going back to read your question again....
What is scary about abstinence is that I won't have a way to turn off the sound when the world gets too loud. I won't have a place to hide. I will have to tolerate and survive intolerable angst and sadness and anger. I won't be able to sleep or turn off the constant nattering in my own head. I won't have the good feeling that comes with the third or fourth glass of wine and I will have to live with a constant reminder that I have a fundamental weakness that sets me apart from others. And I will have to let others know. And I will have to stop holding down the pause button on my life and relationships and start trying to repair some of the damage I have caused to my relationship with my husband. And right now I am exhausted and can't imagine having the energy to stay afloat.
Congratulations Athena! It takes courage to reach out and ask for help. I am also afraid of "exposing" my addiction to others when I go to a support group in case I see someone I know or if I meet someone who knows someone I know, etc. I figure though, hey if there is someone there that I know, then they also have a problem so they shouldn't judge me as I wouldn't judge them. Besides, everyone has a problem of some sort. Maybe not an addiction but nobody is perfect, so that is how I try to keep perspective to get myself through that fear.
Although you and your husband may not feel like you belong there, consider yourself lucky that you didn't hit as rock bottom as a DUI or anything else like some of the others. You have a choice to be there, which is a lot more empowering as you chose to be there. Know what I mean? I am not saying to judge others but it is an eye opener as to how much worse it can get it we don't get help in time.
I've had a hard time fitting in to some groups as well,(past and present experiences) as either I am the youngest by far or I am not being "forced" into a group as part of rehabilitation for a crime etc. I keep plugging along though and continue to focus on myself as I am sure I could come up with any excuse to not continue. I feel grateful that I didn't have to lose everything or go to jail or whatever and I learn from those people's experiences that have. I realize that I could have been one of those people had I continued on my path. Wishing you the best! Hang in there! :)
Congratulations for going there. That took a lot of courage! Good for you. It is nice to hear you are calmer now. I also agree with you that it is a good idea to follow through with the steps required. It might seem awkward at first but once the group starts getting more comfortable with eachother you will probably find people you can relate to on some level.
Now it's on to the scary part... let's explore that. What do you find scary about abstinence? What does it look like, feel like? Describe the whys but also the describe the exact feeling (where in your body do you experince it, what do you envision, what colours, etc.)
I did go and my husband surprised me and came with me - which was really good, because I don't think I could have walked in there by myself. There wasn't anyone I knew there - which was my biggest fear. There didn't seem to be anyone like me there either - and I am not sure how I feel about that. There were other women there - one who was pretty loud and wound up who told everyone that she was only there because of her probation - apparently she was charged for punching her boyfriend in the face. There were a couple of people who had been directed to attend because of drunk driving charges but other than that - everyone was quiet. There was only one other person who looked like he worked in an office environment. My husband seemed extremely uncomfortable and the only thing that he said afterwards was "We'll talk later".
This was just an information session to describe the process for the program. The next step is to call tomorrow to register for a treatment planning group. Even though I have a feeling that my husband doesn't think I belong there - I am pretty sure that I am going to at least go ahead with the next stage. First is treatment planning, then intake and assessment by a physician and a psychiatrist if needed. It sounds like it will take another month or two until actually doing the day treatment part.
It is still a bit overwhelming, but somehow walking in there and meeting a couple of the staff makes it much less terrifying. Now the truly scary part is thinking about total abstinence.
It's interesting - right now, I feel calmer than I have for months.
You have everything to gain by receiving care and support from others going through similar experiences. I'm glad you are part of the AHC community and I believe that the more information you can learn about this addictive disorder, the better prepared you can be to overcome it.
Please let us know how your session goes tomorrow and know we will be thinking of you!
Tomorrow I have an appointment to go to an information/orientation session for the concurrent disorders day treatment program at our local hospital. My husband won't come with me. I haven't figured out how to ask for time off from work if I go ahead with it. And yet I know that I need to something serious to try and break this self destructive cycle that I am in.
I am terrified of going but when I really think about what is most scary - it is that I will run into someone that I know. I have worked so hard for so many years to hide my problems that it is almost impossible to think that I could go into a situation without all my defenses on high alert. And really - at this point? I have lost so much that it really doesn't matter what other people think. My family is the most important thing in the world to me. They shouldn't suffer simply because I am afraid of what strangers or distant acquaintances might think.
I think that I am at a point where I finally understand that I need to allow other people to know and care about me. I am terrified by the idea of AA meetings and group counselling sessions, but I can't imagine any other way out of this downward spiral than to ask for and accept help. I have not yet hit "rock bottom" but I can see it pretty clearly from here and I don't want to go there.
There is no-one else in the world who knows that this is happening tomorrow ( and it is an EXTREMELY big step for me). Please help me out by asking how it went so that when I check in tomorrow, I can't avoid thinking about next steps.
It’s been a while since you were active on this site. Please extend your session below
You have been logged out due to inactivity.
Please sign back in.
We use cookies to help us learn about how our platform is used and how we can improve your experience. To
learn more please see our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use.
