Hi Ashley,
How do I feel about this relapse - I view it as a relapse rather than a slip - I don't know, mixed feelings. I'm not beating myself up over it now - did that for about a day, then moved on as it doesn't change anything. I'm not sure that I agree with your comment that I may see a binge as a reward, it's much more self-destructive than that. When I make the decision to drink it's because I can't take the emotions anymore and just need to obliterate myself for a few days. There was an element of suicidality in my last relapse because I bought and planned to consume potentially leathal amounts of alcohol and I clearly had the thought that "Maybe this will finally be the time I don't wake up." I've talked about it with the nurses at my rehab and we both agree that when I make the decision to drink - I need to go to a hospital and tell them I'm suicidal and try to get admitted for a few days. Seems drastic I know - but how I drink is drastic.
That being said, this week I've been experimenting with reaching out for help more. On Fri. night I was completely overwhelmed with fear and sadness - I couldn't stop crying and I felt like my body was going to explode. I wasn't going to drink, but I was afraid I might hurt myself some other way (I used to self injure) and I actually picked up the phone and called a couple of people in AA and talked. And it actually helped, even though it was really scary to do. So I'm going to try and force myself to do more of that in the future.
I'm also making some tough decisions about housing to reduce my expenses while I'm job hunting which are scary, but are at least steps in moving forward. I've decided to give up my apartment and I'm going to call a supportive sober housing place next week, to see if I might be able to get in. My treatment program has suggested it, and said they'd be happy to refer me.
I feel good because I'm back on track - I've applied to some jobs, I'm back going to meetings, and I'm asking for help. Today is 7 days and I'm celebrating by going to a harp concert.
splitimage
Glad your back and I have relapsed too but now I'm going to give it another shot. A couple of weeks ago I was at a bar and got emotional and the next thing I remember I'm surround my abulance workers trying to take me to hospital.
