I just needed to vent a little bit this morning...
This weekend will be 6 weeks since my last cigarette, and about 8 pounds from what I normally weigh. I am so frustrated! It's not that I don't know where the extra weight has come from, I have given into my food cravings a couple times this week and have eaten more helpings that I normally would. I guess what I'm saying is that I see the link between what I'm putting in my mouth and the numbers on the scale, it's just that prior to quitting smoking I wasn't "physically penalized" for having pizza for dinner once in a blue moon the way I am now!
I am trying to keep in mind that tranformation is tough, and that while I'm healing myself and turning my lungs pink again and flushing out all the toxic stuff I might change shape a little bit - and that I'll be able to deal with that part later. But I have days like today where the feelings of being clean, healthy, and good smelling from not smoking are being trumped by the feelings of hating that I'm getting soft, pudgy, and bulgy.
It all comes down to health and self-improvement. I'm here because I want to improve my health and well-being by quitting smoking. I just never saw undertaking that as some sort of sliding scale where as I improve it on the quitting smoking side, I decrease it on the weight gain side. While 8 pounds doesn't sound like a lot, it's 8 pounds within the last week and a half since I stopped running outside (about 3 - 4 miles, 3 - 4 times a week) since it's rainy and wintery here. My clothes aren't fitting, my face looks different, and I feel like everyone is looking at me.
I'm looking forward to joining a fitness club and continuing my journey and fighting to get my shape back. And I will claw my way back down, I enjoy exercise and running so that's not a chore for me. I just was feeling frustrated that I'm here this morning - yucky and uncomfortable and bloaty and angry. Mad that I ever started smoking in the first place, which is why I'm here. Mad that I still want to sometimes. Nicotine has got to be the worst drug in the world. As I'm hacking up sick things and bloating up like a balloon, I'm still thinking about smoking. That's insane.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know things will get better and my jeans will stop biting into me with some WORK! But right now I hate knowing that they do and it's because of smoking.
