When people live and/or work together, they often disagree. This is normal and healthy as disputes and disagreements are common events that lead to problem solving and compromise. Disputes can occur more frequently while you are trying to quit smoking due to the added stress and physical and emotional withdrawal.

Sometimes disagreements are about big issues and sometimes they’re about small issues. Sometimes disagreements are straight out on the table, in plain sight and obvious to everyone. But at other times, disagreements are more hidden and more difficult to see. Usually both people know that there is a problem. However, sometimes one person is very aware of a problem while the other person has no idea that anything is wrong.

Disputes result when people have different expectations about each other and their relationship. Disputes are often quite simply about people having different expectations about each of their roles.

Before you can develop a plan for changing how you cope with and resolve disputes in your relationships, you need to understand exactly where the dispute is at. This is called the stage of a dispute.

Stage One - Negotiation
Both people are aware that there’s a problem and both are trying to work toward a solution. Both want to end the dispute and both people are willing to compromise, so there’s goodwill on both sides. This doesn’t mean that everything is fine. When a dispute is in the negotiation stage people argue and they’re usually upset and angry. However, if the dispute is in the negotiation stage both people are trying to make things better, even if they’re upset.

Stage Two – Impasse
Both people have stopped trying to solve the program and are no longer negotiating because the negotiations have stalled-out. Both have dug in and are unwilling to change their position. During the Impasse people often use the “silent treatment” and are simply not talking at all.

Stage Three - Dissolution
At least one person has decided that the relationship is over, or is going to be over eventually and they’ve emotionally checked out. All it takes is for one person to make this decision for the dispute to reach this stage. The person who has not decided that the relationship is over could still be trying very hard to make the relationship work, but as soon as one person decides a relationship is over, it’s usually over. Disputes can stay in the Dissolution Stage for years. For example, some people decide that their marriage is over but they stay with their partner for the sake of the children or until their children leave home. Their partner may not even know the other partner has made this decision.    

Take a few minutes to think about the relationships you want to work on. If one of the problem areas you are working on is a dispute, try to figure the dispute stage: Negotiation, Impasse, or Dissolution. Please share some of your thoughts. We will discuss more about Disputes in a few days.