Hello,
so here comes the REALLY difficult phase, it seems.
On the one hand, I can go for hours without thinking of a cigarette. And sometimes I feel so strong.
But then, more and more often, come the hours when I am SO FED UP with everything.
Today, I almost went and bought a pack. Then I think: NO I would just smoke the whole thing- and would have to start over... Comes the addicted me who then suggests: well, maybe it is better to just bum a cigarette off somebody. Somebody who doesn't know you stopped. And then I don't dare approach somebody I don't know. And then comes: I WANT to smoke. I want to feel free, independant, strong. Light up and rebell. And I try to argue with myself: I don't STILL buy that crap: why should smoking be "independant" and strong. It's the contrary. Think of the stop smoking site. All you have learnt. And then, sorry guys, the voice in my head that you would call the Nicodemon gets even more deceitful, and even meaner. It says: yes, but do you REALLY belong to that site? You're not one of those people who have nothing better to do than sit behind their PCs and whine and post... you're free, you're strong. And to hell with all this babble about health. To hell with the gouvernment trying to tell you to stop. You are not going to COMPLY with that?! Who cares if it's bad for you? Loads of things are bad for you. You can die tomorrow in a car crash. And on and on.
And the voice that says: you can always quit again. In any case, its' normal. And it was already good for your health to have this break.
I don't want to hurt you, all my stay smoke free friends, but I feel my inner demon lashing out against this site as a maybe last means to give me a great excuse to start again.
And it's summer. The evenings are sweet in outdoor cafés here. And I'm lonely. And love (and non-love) hurts. Work is hard and challenging. I just moved to a differnt city a few months ago. My grandmother is struggling to stay alive.
And I am SO scared that I will give in.
I need strength. I need to stay positive. But what to do when the strong part, the warrior in you that has learnt to surmount life's problems comes with a cigarette in her hand??
Help.
Cat
My Milage:My Quit Date: 4/14/2009
Smoke-Free Days: 70
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 1,400
Amount Saved: �322.00
Life Gained:Days: 5
Hrs: 15
Mins: 0
Seconds: 42
