Kelly, you're not so happy in your own skin yet, huh? It's a huge difference for the addict who has spent so many years depending on the drug to cope with the vagaries of life; the child who runs out in front of your car and makes you brake until your head is mashed against the steering wheel, the endless demands of the Other on your time and emotions, the friend who speaks but who doesn't actively listen - all these things can make it seem like you're no longer in your body/mind the the way you were when you were a smoker and could reach for pack of smokes rather than now, wanting to reach out and, verbally, "smack" some sense into the ones who cause you anxiety.
What about hydro-therapy for you when you need to be alone and to think about your life and how you are grateful for what you have? I mean get into a warm bath at either end of the day (get up really early in the morning to get that 30 minutes in a warm bath before the kids start bashing on the door).
Oh, and I hope that your grape-smelling-cigar-smoking husband is doing that outside the house?? That is just not fair to you and is a terrible example for the nippers.
I sympathise with you. I think I was lost too as to "who" I was after I quit since I had no idea what I was like at age 10. I have had to invent a non-smoking me now and try not to pick up any further addictions since I'm a classic addictive personality anyway! I get anxious about Darfur and remain horrified by the Nazi, Cambodia, Bosnia and Rwanda genocides to this day. Once I would have automatically lit up if I were to catch some pictures "at eleven" of what man does to his fellow man... it's hard not to despair but it's equally hard to negate what is beautiful in life by letting myself fall into despair-depression.
Have you decided who you were before you smoked? Do you still want to be that person? She's in there now. I see it in your posts and I like Kelly Anxioux..
Patrick
My Milage:My Quit Date: 1/18/2008
Smoke-Free Days: 124
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 3,100
Amount Saved: $1,395.00
Life Gained:Days: 23
Hrs: 3
Mins: 24
Seconds: 14
Anyhow, we have my inlaw family camping weekend this weekend. First time camping as a non smoker so again, a little creeped out, another first, but I know I can do it. The only ones left that smoke are my husbands parents, they are a little difficult. They actually keep trying to convince me to start smoking again, that you only live one life and its better to be happy than to struggle...there is a great junkie thought.!! Anyhow, I can choose to have fun, or choose not not. I want to have fun with my kids, and I will. I will get up in the morning, have tea and read by the campfire WITHOUT a cigarette (scarry for me), I will watch my kids go down the water slide EVERYTIME, because I won't be away smoking. I will play a whole game of minature golf WITHOUT having to walk away to have a cig and I will love every moment that I have, regardless of what I am doing. I am scared yes, I am terrified actually, but I know I can do it. It just might get uncomftrable for me at times, so I will walk away, get my grip and come back. That is my plan, I hope it works...
