Members, This week we asked you to keep track of how many times you are falling into problematic communication patterns. Today, we will explore a few more counterproductive communication patterns� Kitchen Sinking Kitchen sinking is what happens when an argument about one small thing becomes an argument about everything. For example, an argument about whose turn it is to do the dishes, take out the garbage or change the baby becomes an argument about always and never. When things really get going, everything from the past gets dragged up again including old disagreements and hurts, parents and in-laws and�the kitchen sink. The problem with �kitchen sinking� is that the problem grows from a relatively simple argument into an argument about everything. As a result people get angry and frustrated and lose track of what the dispute is really about. The solution to this problem is to recognize kitchen sinking when it�s happening and to try to keep the dispute focused on the specific situation. If one person can recognize kitchen sinking when it�s happening and hold back from making the argument about everything, then both people have a much better chance of being able to focus on the specific problem at hand. Counterpunching Counterpunching often goes with kitchen sinking. While kitchen sinking is about the content of what people are saying, counterpunching is about how people are arguing. When people counterpunch during a dispute, they answer a complaint with a complaint. So instead of recognizing, acknowledging and talking about a problem with what they�ve said or done, they �hit back� at the other person with a complaint of their own. For example: � You never take out the garbage � You never cut me any slack � You�re just lazy � I always have to do everything � You don�t appreciate how tired I am when I get home � Somebody has to work to pay the bills �and on and on and on it goes. As it is with kitchen sinking, the problem with counterpunching is that the dispute quickly becomes about everything. Everybody feels terrible and nobody�s willing to admit to any problem as their own. As for kitchen sinking, the solution to this problem is to recognize counterpunching when it�s happening and try to keep the dispute focused on the specific situation that�s happening right now. If one person can recognize counterpunching when it is happening and hold back from trying to �hit back,� then both people have a much better chance of being able to focus on the specific problem at hand. Mind Reading Mind reading is what happens when you assume that you know what another person is thinking and feeling. Mind reading is often a problem in long-term relationships because after we get to know another person really well, we can start to fool ourselves into thinking that we know what they�re thinking and how they�re feeling. Mind reading can become a big problem because when you mind read you�re assuming that you know what another person is feeling and thinking when you do not. As you can imagine, this can be a big problem in depression because depressed people tend to see the worst in situations and assume the worst from others. When people feel that their needs are not being met in a relationship, they start to assume that the other person is only looking after their own needs and is generally unhappy in the relationship. If you�re mind reading in this way it makes it hard to see any communication as being positive because you can always imagine that the other person is only trying to get what they want (try a Thought Record on that one!). Mind reading is usually a mistake. An important part of being assertive is being able to ask for clarification and feedback about what other people are thinking and feeling, as well as what they want and need. When in doubt about what somebody is thinking or feeling, ask! Mind reading is bad for your health! Digging In Digging in is what happens when both people in a dispute refuse to change their position. The result is a stand-off in which neither person is willing to back down because of a rigid and moralistic position, belief that they are 100% right, pride or the belief that if they give in they will be taken advantage of. Some relationships can get to a point where most disputes end with both people digging in. Both people start to see all of their disputes in terms of winning or losing and both start to keep track of wins and losses. This pattern is extremely harmful to relationships because people start to lose trust and the willingness to compromise. Relationships without trust and compromise usually aren�t very happy and don�t last very long. The solution to this problem is to get better at perspective taking and compromising. We encourage you to keep tracking your communication patterns. How many times have you fallen into these problematic communication patterns? As you track, don�t forget to note the 5 W�s of your anger: Who was there? What happened? Where did it happen? And why did it happen? Don�t forget to share your results here and to tune in on Sunday when we will begin discussion solutions to these problems! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator